It’s become impossible to ignore.
“Star Wars” comes out tomorrow. Everywhere you look, it’s “Star Wars” this and “Star Wars” that. The movie isn’t even out yet, and I’m already sick of fucking “Star Wars.” I think most other people are sick of it, too.
So, let’s do something. Let’s all band together and boycott “Star Wars.” Let refuse to buy tickets to “Star Wars,” then the movie theaters will end up with a shitload of empty seats and lose a ton of money. That will teach Hollywood a lesson that we need more foreign-language documentaries, instead of space ship movies. What a statement that would make! So, who’s with me on this?
Listen up. I want everyone to start addressing me as “Colonel Nolan Dalla.”
Today, by official proclamation of Governor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky, I was given that state’s highest honor, the designation as a full-fledged “Colonel.” Thanks to Gov. Steve Beshear, whom I’m pleased to find out is a Democrat. Receiving this award from a Republican might have been awkward.
I was told this honor had previously been granted to none other that the following luminaries — President Lyndon B. Johnson, astronaut John Glenn, Sir Winston Churchill, Elvis Presley, Muhammad Ali, and now yours truly, “Colonel Nolan Dalla.” Seems fitting, doesn’t it? Has a nice ring.
Many of you know I set and maintain the highest standards possible. I have strict rules for social engagements — including dining out with other people, being served in restaurants, and engaging in casual conversation.
Now, with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve right around the corner, it occurred to me that most of my dedicated readers and followers might not be aware of my rigorous holiday protocols. Should you invite me to grace your merry occasion make it truly special for you and your guests, that means certain qualifications must be met. Note that depending on how important you are, and the prospects that you can either help me financially or with my career, some of these conditions may be flexible. However, the rest of you will be required to meet my demands in full and without question, or risk me blowing you off. Should you wish for me attend, adding significantly to the chances of your holiday gathering being successful, listen up and take careful notes.
Here are my ten demands for attending public holiday festivities:
A blockbuster movie was recently released, in which a heavily-armed, highly-trained maniacal loner with no apparent friends nor familial attachments murders a heap of people during the course of his 2-hour, 34 minute onscreen presence. Dozens of hard-working, loyal private and public employees, many with families and children of their own, are shot, maimed, burned, crushed, and blown apart in order to satisfy the killer’s bloodthirsty cravings.
The killer disrupts daily life and creates chaos in several scenic locales — including Mexico City, Rome, Tangiers, London, the Sahara Desert, and the Austrian Alps. Hundreds of millions of dollars in property damage occurs, instigated entirely by a series of confrontations which lead to non-stop violence, and ultimately death and destruction.
Unperturbed by potential criticism, the star also proves to be a serial adulterer. Young and old, of any race — his wanton lust knows no boundaries. His sexual conquests include a mournful widow on the night of her deceased husband’s funeral, after stalking her back to her home after the burial. He beds the weeping lass making her forget her loss momentarily, and then afterward never once calls her back. What a dog. The creep is frequently observed hiding off in the darkness, peering around corners, and trespassing into areas where women sleep. If he were not wearing a tuxedo, one might suspect he was a peeping tom.
Las Vegas can sometimes be a strange place to live.
Consider two recent local stories from our hometown newspaper, the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Both features are 100 percent accurate. Reportedly, these events really happened.