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Posted by on May 29, 2015 in Blog, General Poker, World Series of Poker | 0 comments

Rep Porter Humiliated in Colossus Event at 2015 WSOP

 

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Rep Porter, a two-time World Series of Poker gold bracelet winner, outlasted nearly 430 players on Friday afternoon in “The Colossus,” billed as the biggest poker tournament in history.  Given more that 22,000 players are expected to enter this mega-competition, that meant Porter could enjoy bragging rights for coming in 21,612th place.*

Porter never had an above-average stack of chips at any point in the tournament and would have gone largely unnoticed, had it not been for his early elimination and subsequent walk of shame, wallowing through nearly 2,000 players packed like sardines inside the bustling Pavilion Room, at the Rio Las Vegas.

When asked to explain the humiliation, Porter snapped, “What can I say?  I ran out of chips.  I didn’t want to leave.  But once I was out of chips, they wouldn’t deal me any more cards.”

Along the rail, Porter was welcomed by another former gold bracelet winner, licking his wounds and sharing his bad beat story with anyone in the surrounding area who would listen.  Ken Aldridge, a used car salesman from North Carolina, couldn’t even outlast Porter.

When asked to comment, Aldridge said, “I hope to make it past the first level next time.  I can’t believe Rep Porter finished higher than me in this event.  Please don’t tell anyone, okay?  That would look really bad if that were to get out.”

 

 

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Posted by on May 23, 2015 in Blog, Rants and Raves, Travel | 9 comments

Overcharged !!!

 

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You deceptive lying-ass shits!

I just opened up my Visa bill this month and caught you motherfuckers red-handed again.  Cold blooded thieves!  That’s what you are!  And for this, you are going to pay.  Dearly!  Just wait til you hear what I have in mind next time I pay you a visit.  Already, I’ve got my revenge planned.

You, the villainous Hilton Corporation, with thousands of money-sucking hotels worldwide, enabler of the planet’s most obnoxious golden-haired waif, jerked me off on this month’s bill for an extra $500.  That’s right — fiiiiiive huuuuundred dooooooollars.  You thought I wouldn’t notice, didn’t you?  Well, I did notice!  Indeed, I might not have caught your “honest mistake,” except that $500 is basically a sports bet for me, and no one is going to break my balls and bash me in the ass for five bills unless it’s some shortstop in Cleveland I’ve never heard of making a throwing error to first base.  Then, I can live with losing the $500 after spewing off a load of F-bombs.

Which brings up to today’s hot topic:  If it’s really an “honest mistake,” why do we always seem to get charged TOO MUCH?  Why never TOO LITTLE?  Shouldn’t the mistakes balance out?

I’m loaded with evil conspiracy theories, and my latest is that Hilton consciously does this all the time.  My reasoning:  I’ve gotten hotel bill gang-banged three times over the last 18 months for extra charges I didn’t make when staying at Hilton properties.  Just a coincidence, you ask?  Am I the most unlucky customer in the world?  How come Hilton never forgets to charge me for the extra $9 can of Pringles out of the room fridge?  Huh?  Answer me that.

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Posted by on May 11, 2015 in Blog, Rants and Raves, Restaurant Reviews | 1 comment

How to Use Blockers and Buffers When Dining Out With Bores and Braggarts

 

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Even been out on one of those dinners from hell, a gathering you’re absolutely obligated to attend, that would otherwise be perfect in every way — except that there’s one prickly guest at your table who blathers on forever and basically ruins the meal for everyone?

Well, I’m here to help.  Today, I’ll be sharing one of my best-kept trade secrets.  The advice I’m about to give should be packaged and sold, in which case I’d probably make a fortune.  But you’re lucky, because it’s free.  Sometimes I can be so generous.

For the first time ever, I shall introduce the most effective method by which to counter the unwelcome company of our most dreaded dinner companions — including obnoxious in-laws, jerk-off co-workers, your former ex, boring strangers, and about half the world’s poker players.  The topic of discussion will be how to effectively use blockers and buffers to enhance one’s restaurant experience.

If you haven’t heard of “blockers” or “buffers” before, don’t worry, neither have I.  Hell, I’m making this stuff up as I go along.

When deployed for maximum effect, blockers and buffers are powerful tools which can rescue a night out and ensure a pleasurable meal for everyone, even in the cramped company of bores and braggarts.  Put into action, blockers and buffers effectively neutralize the pungency of irritating dinner guests in the same way amino acids attack bad cholesterol once that greasy cheeseburger enters the body.

Before listing my recommendations, first let’s examine this widespread problem more closely.  Take the following test:

— Ever been to dinner and gotten seated next to the ass joker who won’t shut up?

— Ever dined out with the blowhard who talks only about himself and his accomplishments during the entire evening?

— Ever attended one of those dreaded dinners which included never-ending conversation about trivial subjects which you had no interest in whatsoever?

— Ever been seated next to a hijacker, who constantly interrupts others and commandeers the table discussion?

If you’re normal, the correct answers are — yes, yes, yes, and yes.

What follows are the most effective countermeasures to stop these creeps:

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Posted by on May 1, 2015 in Blog, Personal, Rants and Raves, Travel | 1 comment

Only in Philadelphia (The Story the 6-Year-Old Girl Who Shot Me the Middle Finger)

 

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Question:  What does a six-year-old girl making an obscene hand gesture have to do with an obnoxious sports fan getting thrown out of a ballpark in Philadelphia?  To find out, read on….

 

Just when I thought that perhaps, just maybe, I was being a bit too harsh in my brutal assessment of Philadelphia as the festering hemorrhoid on a rabid pit bull, earlier this week, an otherwise lovely flower of innocence plopped down in the rear seat of a family sedan, donning golden locks and pig tails, pressed her freckled nose upon the smeared window glass and proceeded to shoot me the dreaded middle finger.

My infraction?  Walking on the littered sidewalk at the precise spot where her beaut of a Mommy was apparently trying to make an illegal U-turn.

Fuck you!!!

Okay, I get the message.  Loud and clear.  When it comes to civility, they sure teach ’em young in Philly, don’t they?

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Posted by on Feb 15, 2015 in Blog, Movie Reviews | 3 comments

50 Shades of John C. Reilly

 

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“I’ve never read anything so badly written that got published.  It made Twilight look like War and Peace.”

— Salman Rushdie

 

Some things are best left to the imagination.

Things like what happens inside sausage factories.  Sewage treatment plants.  Executions.  And most certainly, the incomprehensible runaway internationally best-selling erotic trilogy known as the “50 Shades of Grey.”

It’s not that sex and its kinkier variants don’t translate well into a visual medium.  To the contrary.  Online porn’s popularity and its richness of diversity refutes any notion that most people aren’t inherently voyeuristic.  We’re all just a little bit curious about what’s hidden behind closed doors.  Fact is, people like watching other people — whether on the street, while riding subways, inside bars and restaurants, and especially if they’re having sex.

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