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Posted by on May 11, 2015 in Blog, Rants and Raves, Restaurant Reviews | 1 comment

How to Use Blockers and Buffers When Dining Out With Bores and Braggarts

 

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Even been out on one of those dinners from hell, a gathering you’re absolutely obligated to attend, that would otherwise be perfect in every way — except that there’s one prickly guest at your table who blathers on forever and basically ruins the meal for everyone?

Well, I’m here to help.  Today, I’ll be sharing one of my best-kept trade secrets.  The advice I’m about to give should be packaged and sold, in which case I’d probably make a fortune.  But you’re lucky, because it’s free.  Sometimes I can be so generous.

For the first time ever, I shall introduce the most effective method by which to counter the unwelcome company of our most dreaded dinner companions — including obnoxious in-laws, jerk-off co-workers, your former ex, boring strangers, and about half the world’s poker players.  The topic of discussion will be how to effectively use blockers and buffers to enhance one’s restaurant experience.

If you haven’t heard of “blockers” or “buffers” before, don’t worry, neither have I.  Hell, I’m making this stuff up as I go along.

When deployed for maximum effect, blockers and buffers are powerful tools which can rescue a night out and ensure a pleasurable meal for everyone, even in the cramped company of bores and braggarts.  Put into action, blockers and buffers effectively neutralize the pungency of irritating dinner guests in the same way amino acids attack bad cholesterol once that greasy cheeseburger enters the body.

Before listing my recommendations, first let’s examine this widespread problem more closely.  Take the following test:

— Ever been to dinner and gotten seated next to the ass joker who won’t shut up?

— Ever dined out with the blowhard who talks only about himself and his accomplishments during the entire evening?

— Ever attended one of those dreaded dinners which included never-ending conversation about trivial subjects which you had no interest in whatsoever?

— Ever been seated next to a hijacker, who constantly interrupts others and commandeers the table discussion?

If you’re normal, the correct answers are — yes, yes, yes, and yes.

What follows are the most effective countermeasures to stop these creeps:

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Posted by on May 1, 2015 in Blog, Personal, Rants and Raves, Travel | 1 comment

Only in Philadelphia (The Story the 6-Year-Old Girl Who Shot Me the Middle Finger)

 

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Question:  What does a six-year-old girl making an obscene hand gesture have to do with an obnoxious sports fan getting thrown out of a ballpark in Philadelphia?  To find out, read on….

 

Just when I thought that perhaps, just maybe, I was being a bit too harsh in my brutal assessment of Philadelphia as the festering hemorrhoid on a rabid pit bull, earlier this week, an otherwise lovely flower of innocence plopped down in the rear seat of a family sedan, donning golden locks and pig tails, pressed her freckled nose upon the smeared window glass and proceeded to shoot me the dreaded middle finger.

My infraction?  Walking on the littered sidewalk at the precise spot where her beaut of a Mommy was apparently trying to make an illegal U-turn.

Fuck you!!!

Okay, I get the message.  Loud and clear.  When it comes to civility, they sure teach ’em young in Philly, don’t they?

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Posted by on Feb 15, 2015 in Blog, Movie Reviews | 3 comments

50 Shades of John C. Reilly

 

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“I’ve never read anything so badly written that got published.  It made Twilight look like War and Peace.”

— Salman Rushdie

 

Some things are best left to the imagination.

Things like what happens inside sausage factories.  Sewage treatment plants.  Executions.  And most certainly, the incomprehensible runaway internationally best-selling erotic trilogy known as the “50 Shades of Grey.”

It’s not that sex and its kinkier variants don’t translate well into a visual medium.  To the contrary.  Online porn’s popularity and its richness of diversity refutes any notion that most people aren’t inherently voyeuristic.  We’re all just a little bit curious about what’s hidden behind closed doors.  Fact is, people like watching other people — whether on the street, while riding subways, inside bars and restaurants, and especially if they’re having sex.

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Posted by on Feb 3, 2015 in Blog, Personal, Rants and Raves | 12 comments

These Are My Thermostat Requirements When Visiting Your Home

 

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I attended a Super Bowl party at a friend’s house on Sunday.

What I didn’t expect was the sauna and steam bath that came along with a small living room crammed full of people.  This is what happens due to poor planning.  A disaster.  The whole place turns into a fucking sweatbox.  If he invites me next year, I’m showing up in a bathing suit.  I’m also bringing a fan and a cooler full of ice cubes.  Then, maybe he’ll get the message.

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Posted by on Jan 2, 2015 in Blog, Essays | 1 comment

How to Tell If You’re Owned by Your Cat

 

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“Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god.  Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”

― Christopher Hitchens (The Portable Atheist:  Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever)

 

How many of you own a cat?

Well, I do.  In fact, I own two of them.

But wait.  Do we really own these finicky felines?  It’s goes more like this…our cats actually own us.  If you’re a cat person or have ever taken care of one for any length of time, you know this to be true.

Here are 25 ways to tell that you’re owned by your cat:

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