You might have heard about a bizarre incident recently, where a man was shot and killed for texting inside movie theater.
That’s right — texting.
Irony of all ironies, the name of the movie was Lone Survivor.
The incident occurred at a matinee in Tampa, FL. According to reports, a man was texting while the previews were being shown. Initially, I was somewhat sympathetic to the gunman, until I learned this terrible tragedy happened during the previews. I mean, have you been to the movies lately? Every movie now has eight previews! The movie you paid to see ends up starting 25 minutes later than advertised!
Where’s my gun?
Oh well, back to the story. Another man, sitting right behind the offender, was sufficiently annoyed that he stood up and asked the person texting to shut off his phone — immediately. An altercation erupted and an entire bucket of hot buttered popcorn was spilled. A few minutes later, a man was dead.
Such a needless waste and a terrible tragedy. I mean, have you noted the price of a large popcorn at the movies lately?
Welcome to my neighborhood.
If you own or rent a home, you’ve undoubtedly come across problem neighbors. You know — music’s too loud, dog barks all the time, that sort of thing. Trouble is, you can’t cause trouble, or else that might start a war. Indeed, neighborhood conflicts can be a delicate matter.
So I’ve comprised a test designed to help you deal with your unruly neighbors and the problems they often create.
It’s multiple choice, so the answers should be easy. Let’s now begin:
I read Britney Spears charges $2,500 for fans to meet her.
This is no joke. READ HERE
Apparently, some mindless sycophants are so fucking whacked-out and star-struck by a celebrity that they’ll fork over what amounts to a week’s pay for most American families for the once-in-a-lifetime shot to be standing inside the same room with a lip-synching diva for about three seconds. That comes to about $833.33 per second. However, the suckers aren’t allowed to touch fragile Brit, nor even speak to her as she shuffles by. What a bargain. Did anyone pay five grand for double-time?
Drinking with Gavin Smith last night
Gavin Smith and I go back many, many years. More cocktails, laughs, and hangovers than I care to remember. Let’s just say I knew Gavin before he became infamous.
Last night, we added to another chapter to the encyclopedia of stories you wouldn’t believe.
Gavin and I agreed to meet at a locals hangout on Fort Apache, on the west side of town. By the time I arrived, right on time mind you, Gavin already had an empty glass parked in front of him.
I had put the over/under on our session at 90 minutes. That’s what I told Marieta, anyway. Main reason was — I had plenty of things to do that night and I wasn’t going to let myself get carried away inside a bar with Gavin.
Four hours later, we were still hunched over our bar stools drinking and laughing. Gavin can be such a terrible influence.
Any religion that forbids enjoying life is a fucking straightjacket. I mean, what kind of routine requires that you pray five times a day? Why doesn’t someone jump up and say,“how come we’re praying more than anyone else on earth, and we’re still the poorest motherfuckers on the planet?”
It’s time to get serious about ending global terrorism.
Let’s quit pretending we’ve got the tiger by the tail, because we don’t. Drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’ve got the perfect solution.
Open up a shitload of bars and nightclubs inside every Muslim country. Carpet bomb them with liquor. Just do it. Forget about dropping humanitarian leaflets and care packages. Ship in bar stools, announce it’s happy hour, and let the free-pouring begin. Then, turn up the music. Loud. Political extremism and acts of terror would dry up faster than the Cincinnati Bengals’ Super Bowl hopes.
Imagine what it must be like living inside a hard-core Muslim society. They’re basically giant prison camps. You’d go mad. Every sphere of daily life is suffocated by religion. Since drinking alcohol is strictly forbidden by the Koran, most of these countries don’t have a single bar or nightclub where people can go and hang out.
And that’s the problem.