Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on Feb 2, 2014 in Blog, Sports Betting | 2 comments

My Cat “Alex” Predicts the Super Bowl Winner




You know Alex.

He’s our 12-year-old ginger boy, adopted from a homeless shelter in Washington, D.C. when he was a kitten.  He’s the only cat in history to have played a hand of poker at the old Binion’s Horseshoe, which happened a few months before the place closed down.

Alex is retired now and living comfortably in Las Vegas.  He spends most of his life sleeping.

Lucky for us, Alex made some extra special time for us this morning.  He’s eager to help out all the busted gamblers out there who haven’t placed their bets yet on the Super Bowl.  Alex feels mighty generous, especially after a healthy dose of catnip.

Read More

Posted by on Jan 30, 2014 in Blog, Travel | 6 comments

The Pyramids Were Built by Idiots




Let me level with you, okay.  I’m going to teach you something.

I don’t care what all those fancy scientists and sandmen say.  The pyramids were built by fools.  Total idoits.

I mean, look at this gigantic thing in the photograph.  These things weren’t built by “Monument’s Men.”  Rather, what a monumental waste of space and time.

They spent like sixty years and forced more than 150,000 men and women to slave away seven days a week….and that’s the best structure they could come up with?  Holy shit.  Hell, it wasn’t even a union job.

And another thing.  Who would be stupid enough to build a huge pyramid like that way out in the dessert?  On sand dunes, no less.  In the middle of nowhere.

Here’s a few construction sites that actually do make sense:  The French Riviera?  I get it.  Bavaria?  I get it.  Bali, or Bora Bora?  I’m there with ya.  I could even see hauling and stacking limestone blocks somewhere in the middle of Alabama.  On second thought, nevermind.  Alabama is waaaaay worse that Egypt.  I mean, have you ever stayed at the Motel 6 in Tuscaloosa?  Bottom line — whoever the architect was that decided on a barren wasteland as a building site was either stoned off his ass, or should have been stoned (as in, to death).

Read More

Posted by on Jan 27, 2014 in Blog | 5 comments

Sticky Fingers: My Trouble with Super Glue




Ever used Super Glue?

Why is that every time I use Super Glue, the only thing that gets permanently stuck together is my fingers?  Next time I shake hands with someone, they’re going to look down at my palms and think I’ve either got a contagious skin disease or I’m the Alligator Man.

I just spent half an hour attempting to glue a broken wooden rocking chair back together.  Go ahead, insert your punch line.  The rocking chair isn’t for me, okay.  It’s for mother-in-law.

Read More

Posted by on Jan 21, 2014 in Blog, Movie Reviews | 8 comments

Movie Madness — Do’s and Don’ts at the Movie Theater



You might have heard about a bizarre incident recently, where a man was shot and killed for texting inside movie theater.

That’s right — texting.

Irony of all ironies, the name of the movie was Lone Survivor.

The incident occurred at a matinee in Tampa, FL.  According to reports, a man was texting while the previews were being shown.  Initially, I was somewhat sympathetic to the gunman, until I learned this terrible tragedy happened during the previews.  I mean, have you been to the movies lately?  Every movie now has eight previews!  The movie you paid to see ends up starting 25 minutes later than advertised!

Where’s my gun?

Oh well, back to the story.  Another man, sitting right behind the offender, was sufficiently annoyed that he stood up and asked the person texting to shut off his phone — immediately.  An altercation erupted and an entire bucket of hot buttered popcorn was spilled.  A few minutes later, a man was dead.

Such a needless waste and a terrible tragedy.  I mean, have you noted the price of a large popcorn at the movies lately?

Read More

Posted by on Jan 19, 2014 in Blog | 3 comments

How to Deal With Problem Neighbors (Multiple-Choice Test)




Welcome to my neighborhood.

If you own or rent a home, you’ve undoubtedly come across problem neighbors.  You know — music’s too loud, dog barks all the time, that sort of thing.  Trouble is, you can’t cause trouble, or else that might start a war.  Indeed, neighborhood conflicts can be a delicate matter.

So I’ve comprised a test designed to help you deal with your unruly neighbors and the problems they often create.

It’s multiple choice, so the answers should be easy.  Let’s now begin:


1.  The neighbor’s kids constantly harass a beehive, causing the bees to scatter and become aggressive.  Should you….

a)  Talk to the parents and explain the principles of living in harmony with nature.

b)  Speak with the children and try to teach them about why bees are essential to the food chain.

c)  Poison the children.


2.  You’re hosting an outdoor barbecue in the back yard.  You and your guests notice the unmistakable aroma of marijuana coming from next door.  Do you….

a)  Call the police.

b)  Speak to the neighbors privately and ask them to keep their doors shut while you have guests.

c)  Go find out if they’re getting a better deal on their supply than you.


3.  You find out one of your neighbors is a bookie.  Should you….

a)  Call the police.

b)  Warn the bookie that what he’s doing is illegal and could land him in jail.

c.  Find out his spread on the Broncos-Patriots game.


4.  The neighbor’s dog barks constantly.  The animal disturbs everyone in the neighborhood.  The best course of action is to….

a)  Call animal control.

b)  Ask the neighbors nicely if they will muzzle their animal.

c)  Wait until the neighbors leave one afternoon, then open the gate and make it run away.


5.  People of a different ethnic group move in across the street.  Your next door neighbor uses some highly-derogatory racial slurs to express his opposition.  Should you….

a)  Calmly explain to the neighbor that America is a giant melting pot and that you find his attitude highly objectionable.

b)  Say nothing to keep the peace.

c)  Add fuel to the fire by calling the new neighbors even worse names.


6.  The next-door neighbors have an attractive teenage daughter.  The daughter begins getting extra friendly in your presence and makes it clear that she wants to take things further.  Do you….

a)  Explain to her that such a thing is highly inappropriate.

b)  Have a frank discussion with her parents.

c)  Find out if she’s 18.


7.  Your morning newspaper has been disappearing recently.  You suspect a neighbor might be stealing it.  Should you….

a)  Ignore it and order a second newspaper to be delivered.

b)  Scout out the territory the next morning and try to catch the bandit red-handed.

c)  Fill the inside of the bundled-up newspaper with a heaping pile of moist dog shit.


8.  You like to drink beer.  Sometimes you accidentally toss an empty beer can or two into the neighbor’s yard.  The wife comes over and angrily knocks on your door to complain.  Do you….

a)  Deny the beer cans belong to you.

b)   Apologize and assure the neighbor that it will ever happen again.

c)  Lean back, then violently thrust your fist forward, and knock the bitch off your front porch.


9.  Your neighbor is hosting a yard sale.  They’re selling lots of neat stuff, but it’s way too expensive.  What should you do?

a)  Forget about browsing.  It’s a waste of time.

b)  Talk to them and try to negotiate a better price on the items you like.

c)  Create a diversion and steal what you can.


10.  You discover a group of teen boys in the neighborhood are doing pranks.  They’re even vandalizing your property.  Should you….

a)  Have a talk with the kids and explain what it means to be a good neighbor.

b)  Report what’s happening to the parents.

c)  Hire some bigger and meaner kids to beat up the vandalizing kids.


11.  You learn that your neighbor is a convicted sex offender.  Should you….

a)  Do nothing, since he’s already served his time and paid for the crime.

b)  Warn him to stay away from your kids.

c)  Leave a written note on his doorstep about wanting to hook up, then sign it with the names of the boys vandalizing your property.


12.  A neighbor informs that you he’s moving to another city.  He says he’s desperate and asks you to help him move this coming weekend.  Do you….

a)  Suck it up and help him move.

b)  Agree to help, then “accidentally” suffer a lower back injury at the last minute so you can get out of the job.

c)  Tell him to fuck off — since he’s moving out of town anyway and chances are, you won’t be seeing him again.


13.  You’re stuck hosting a neighborhood pot-luck dinner.  One of the neighbors is a terrible cook who insists on serving you her specialty.  Do you….

a)  Somehow try and force down a few bites so as not to offend the cook.

b)  Pretend that you’re sick and excuse yourself from the table.

c)  Strategically position the family dog under your chair to catch the scraps.


14.  Your neighbor’s tomcat slips into your backyard and impregnates your female cat.  Do you….

a)  Allow the cat to have kittens and try to get them adopted.

b)  Abort the kittens.

c)  Start an affair with your neighbor’s wife, impregnate her, and call it even.


15.  Your neighbor’s sexy wife has a habit of leaving the curtains open at nighttime, when you can see her undressing.  Do you….

a)  Ignore the temptation to look.

b)  Next time you two meet, explain the situation honestly, and suggest she start closing the curtains.

c)  Buy binoculars, or even better, why not some quality optics as in spotting scopes if you want to go the distance.


There you have it!  How to be a good neighbor!


Read More