Welcome to my neighborhood.
If you own or rent a home, you’ve undoubtedly come across problem neighbors. You know — music’s too loud, dog barks all the time, that sort of thing. Trouble is, you can’t cause trouble, or else that might start a war. Indeed, neighborhood conflicts can be a delicate matter.
So I’ve comprised a test designed to help you deal with your unruly neighbors and the problems they often create.
It’s multiple choice, so the answers should be easy. Let’s now begin:
1. The neighbor’s kids constantly harass a beehive, causing the bees to scatter and become aggressive. Should you….
a) Talk to the parents and explain the principles of living in harmony with nature.
b) Speak with the children and try to teach them about why bees are essential to the food chain.
c) Poison the children.
2. You’re hosting an outdoor barbecue in the back yard. You and your guests notice the unmistakable aroma of marijuana coming from next door. Do you….
a) Call the police.
b) Speak to the neighbors privately and ask them to keep their doors shut while you have guests.
c) Go find out if they’re getting a better deal on their supply than you.
3. You find out one of your neighbors is a bookie. Should you….
a) Call the police.
b) Warn the bookie that what he’s doing is illegal and could land him in jail.
c. Find out his spread on the Broncos-Patriots game.
4. The neighbor’s dog barks constantly. The animal disturbs everyone in the neighborhood. The best course of action is to….
a) Call animal control.
b) Ask the neighbors nicely if they will muzzle their animal.
c) Wait until the neighbors leave one afternoon, then open the gate and make it run away.
5. People of a different ethnic group move in across the street. Your next door neighbor uses some highly-derogatory racial slurs to express his opposition. Should you….
a) Calmly explain to the neighbor that America is a giant melting pot and that you find his attitude highly objectionable.
b) Say nothing to keep the peace.
c) Add fuel to the fire by calling the new neighbors even worse names.
6. The next-door neighbors have an attractive teenage daughter. The daughter begins getting extra friendly in your presence and makes it clear that she wants to take things further. Do you….
a) Explain to her that such a thing is highly inappropriate.
b) Have a frank discussion with her parents.
c) Find out if she’s 18.
7. Your morning newspaper has been disappearing recently. You suspect a neighbor might be stealing it. Should you….
a) Ignore it and order a second newspaper to be delivered.
b) Scout out the territory the next morning and try to catch the bandit red-handed.
c) Fill the inside of the bundled-up newspaper with a heaping pile of moist dog shit.
8. You like to drink beer. Sometimes you accidentally toss an empty beer can or two into the neighbor’s yard. The wife comes over and angrily knocks on your door to complain. Do you….
a) Deny the beer cans belong to you.
b) Apologize and assure the neighbor that it will ever happen again.
c) Lean back, then violently thrust your fist forward, and knock the bitch off your front porch.
9. Your neighbor is hosting a yard sale. They’re selling lots of neat stuff, but it’s way too expensive. What should you do?
a) Forget about browsing. It’s a waste of time.
b) Talk to them and try to negotiate a better price on the items you like.
c) Create a diversion and steal what you can.
10. You discover a group of teen boys in the neighborhood are doing pranks. They’re even vandalizing your property. Should you….
a) Have a talk with the kids and explain what it means to be a good neighbor.
b) Report what’s happening to the parents.
c) Hire some bigger and meaner kids to beat up the vandalizing kids.
11. You learn that your neighbor is a convicted sex offender. Should you….
a) Do nothing, since he’s already served his time and paid for the crime.
b) Warn him to stay away from your kids.
c) Leave a written note on his doorstep about wanting to hook up, then sign it with the names of the boys vandalizing your property.
12. A neighbor informs that you he’s moving to another city. He says he’s desperate and asks you to help him move this coming weekend. Do you….
a) Suck it up and help him move.
b) Agree to help, then “accidentally” suffer a lower back injury at the last minute so you can get out of the job.
c) Tell him to fuck off — since he’s moving out of town anyway and chances are, you won’t be seeing him again.
13. You’re stuck hosting a neighborhood pot-luck dinner. One of the neighbors is a terrible cook who insists on serving you her specialty. Do you….
a) Somehow try and force down a few bites so as not to offend the cook.
b) Pretend that you’re sick and excuse yourself from the table.
c) Strategically position the family dog under your chair to catch the scraps.
14. Your neighbor’s tomcat slips into your backyard and impregnates your female cat. Do you….
a) Allow the cat to have kittens and try to get them adopted.
b) Abort the kittens.
c) Start an affair with your neighbor’s wife, impregnate her, and call it even.
15. Your neighbor’s sexy wife has a habit of leaving the curtains open at nighttime, when you can see her undressing. Do you….
a) Ignore the temptation to look.
b) Next time you two meet, explain the situation honestly, and suggest she start closing the curtains.
c) Buy binoculars, or even better, why not some quality optics as in spotting scopes if you want to go the distance.
There you have it! How to be a good neighbor!
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