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Posted by on Jan 6, 2014 in Blog, Essays, Politics, What's Left | 5 comments

Stopping Terrorism with Beer and Pussy




Any religion that forbids enjoying life is a fucking straightjacket.  I mean, what kind of routine requires that you pray five times a day?  Why doesn’t someone jump up and say,“how come we’re praying more than anyone else on earth, and we’re still the poorest motherfuckers on the planet?”


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It’s time to get serious about ending global terrorism.

Let’s quit pretending we’ve got the tiger by the tail, because we don’t.  Drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’ve got the perfect solution.

Open up a shitload of bars and nightclubs inside every Muslim country.  Carpet bomb them with liquor.  Just do it.  Forget about dropping humanitarian leaflets and care packages.  Ship in bar stools, announce it’s happy hour, and let the free-pouring begin.  Then, turn up the music.  Loud.  Political extremism and acts of terror would dry up faster than the Cincinnati Bengals’ Super Bowl hopes.

Imagine what it must be like living inside a hard-core Muslim society.  They’re basically giant prison camps.  You’d go mad.  Every sphere of daily life is suffocated by religion.  Since drinking alcohol is strictly forbidden by the Koran, most of these countries don’t have a single bar or nightclub where people can go and hang out.

And that’s the problem.

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Posted by on Jan 5, 2014 in Blog | 1 comment

Animals R Us




What makes us perceive similar things so differently?

For instance, two things can be almost identical.  They can be the same size and shape.  They can provide the same benefits, or pose the same dangers.  So why would one thing be cherished, while the other is feared?

Let’s take the DNA of two mammals (see below).  They’re about the same size and shape.  They’re closely related as species.  They both live in cities.  However, we perceive one as a sweet and fuzzy creature, while the other is vermin.

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Posted by on Dec 31, 2013 in Blog | 4 comments

What Happens When the Giant Asteroid Hits?




I don’t know shit about science.

I took astronomy in college.  Three times.  You might think that would make me three times as smart.  But dropped the course twice before taking a third swing.  I finally passed the course with a grade of C.  That professor really sucked.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I know how important science is to the world — you know, inventing my cell phone and making pure grain alcohol safe to drink, and stuff like that.  I think scientists are really cool, even the ones who whore themselves out for big oil and tobacco companies.

That said, I’m convinced science has it all wrong.

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Posted by on Dec 22, 2013 in Blog, Sports Betting | 0 comments

Detroit Lions Announce New Uniforms for Next Season




The NFL’s most gutless team has just announced they’ll be changing into new uniforms for the 2014 NFL season.

After losing five of their last six games, their playoff hopes were dashed following an inexplicable home loss as a 9-point favorite to the miserable New York Giants — a banged-up shell of a team that gave up on the season more than two months ago.  Lions’ quarterback Matt Stafford, the perpetually underachieving team’s “franchise player,” claimed the pink negligee for himself.

The announcement was a major disappointment to at least one other NFL club.  The Baltimore Ravens, who haven’t played a decent game since last year’s Super Bowl, were reportedly outraged these uniforms are now taken.  Nike has been contracted to come up with a similar design.

No doubt, the Lions won rights to their new look fair and square.

“If the bra fits, wear it,” said grossly overpaid Raven’s quarterback Joe Flacco.


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Posted by on Dec 20, 2013 in Blog, Travel | 3 comments

Highway to Hell: The Florida Turnpike




Remember the tragic story of the pilots who took off from an airfield in Florida many years ago?  They got lost during the flight and then disappeared, presumably ending up somewhere in the Devil’s Triangle.

At least the men who went missing and were never found had some legitimate excuses for veering off course.  After all, they were flying World War II-era planes.  They lacked sophisticated nautical systems.  They didn’t have global tracking devices.

Such a thing couldn’t possibly happen today, could it?

Well….think again.

In this modern day and age, imagine two grown men, both supposedly intelligent and semi-technologically advanced, getting so ridiculously lost that they would end up 120 miles away from their final destination.  Impossible, right?

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