If you own or rent a home, you’ve undoubtedly come across problem neighbors. You know — music’s too loud, dog barks all the time, that sort of thing. Trouble is, you can’t cause trouble, or else that might start a war. Indeed, neighborhood conflicts can be a delicate matter.
So I’ve comprised a test designed to help you deal with your unruly neighbors and the problems they often create.
It’s multiple choice, so the answers should be easy. Let’s now begin:
Apparently, some mindless sycophants are so fucking whacked-out and star-struck by a celebrity that they’ll fork over what amounts to a week’s pay for most American families for the once-in-a-lifetime shot to be standing inside the same room with a lip-synching diva for about three seconds. That comes to about $833.33 per second. However, the suckers aren’t allowed to touch fragile Brit, nor even speak to her as she shuffles by. What a bargain. Did anyone pay five grand for double-time?
Gavin Smith and I go back many, many years. More cocktails, laughs, and hangovers than I care to remember. Let’s just say I knew Gavin before he became infamous.
Last night, we added to another chapter to the encyclopedia of stories you wouldn’t believe.
Gavin and I agreed to meet at a locals hangout on Fort Apache, on the west side of town. By the time I arrived, right on time mind you, Gavin already had an empty glass parked in front of him.
I had put the over/under on our session at 90 minutes. That’s what I told Marieta, anyway. Main reason was — I had plenty of things to do that night and I wasn’t going to let myself get carried away inside a bar with Gavin.
Four hours later, we were still hunched over our bar stools drinking and laughing. Gavin can be such a terrible influence.
Any religion that forbids enjoying life is a fucking straightjacket. I mean, what kind of routine requires that you pray five times a day? Why doesn’t someone jump up and say,“how come we’re praying more than anyone else on earth, and we’re still the poorest motherfuckers on the planet?”
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It’s time to get serious about ending global terrorism.
Let’s quit pretending we’ve got the tiger by the tail, because we don’t. Drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’ve got the perfect solution.
Open up a shitload of bars and nightclubs inside every Muslim country. Carpet bomb them with liquor. Just do it. Forget about dropping humanitarian leaflets and care packages. Ship in bar stools, announce it’s happy hour, and let the free-pouring begin. Then, turn up the music. Loud. Political extremism and acts of terror would dry up faster than the Cincinnati Bengals’ Super Bowl hopes.
Imagine what it must be like living inside a hard-core Muslim society. They’re basically giant prison camps. You’d go mad. Every sphere of daily life is suffocated by religion. Since drinking alcohol is strictly forbidden by the Koran, most of these countries don’t have a single bar or nightclub where people can go and hang out.
What makes us perceive similar things so differently?
For instance, two things can be almost identical. They can be the same size and shape. They can provide the same benefits, or pose the same dangers. So why would one thing be cherished, while the other is feared?
Let’s take the DNA of two mammals (see below). They’re about the same size and shape. They’re closely related as species. They both live in cities. However, we perceive one as a sweet and fuzzy creature, while the other is vermin.