Going shopping is bad enough. But toss in prospecting for a parking space, swarms of mindless teenagers walking six in a line, and the latest annoyance — the gauntlet of sales carts and kiosks blocking every aisle — and that makes going into the mall for a pair of socks like maneuvering an obstacle course.
What happened to the days when shopping malls housed a bunch of popular stores with names we actually knew? What happened to the customer’s “space?” Now, malls have pretty much become the Grand Bazaar. It’s like walking through Istanbul on a Saturday afternoon. You can’t tell even anything about the stores or what they sell anymore from the outside.
Consider these names at a popular mall in Las Vegas:
He’s our 12-year-old ginger boy, adopted from a homeless shelter in Washington, D.C. when he was a kitten. He’s the only cat in history to have played a hand of poker at the old Binion’s Horseshoe, which happened a few months before the place closed down.
Alex is retired now and living comfortably in Las Vegas. He spends most of his life sleeping.
Lucky for us, Alex made some extra special time for us this morning. He’s eager to help out all the busted gamblers out there who haven’t placed their bets yet on the Super Bowl. Alex feels mighty generous, especially after a healthy dose of catnip.
Let me level with you, okay. I’m going to teach you something.
I don’t care what all those fancy scientists and sandmen say. The pyramids were built by fools. Total idoits.
I mean, look at this gigantic thing in the photograph. These things weren’t built by “Monument’s Men.” Rather, what a monumental waste of space and time.
They spent like sixty years and forced more than 150,000 men and women to slave away seven days a week….and that’s the best structure they could come up with? Holy shit. Hell, it wasn’t even a union job.
And another thing. Who would be stupid enough to build a huge pyramid like that way out in the dessert? On sand dunes, no less. In the middle of nowhere.
Here’s a few construction sites that actually do make sense: The French Riviera? I get it. Bavaria? I get it. Bali, or Bora Bora? I’m there with ya. I could even see hauling and stacking limestone blocks somewhere in the middle of Alabama. On second thought, nevermind. Alabama is waaaaay worse that Egypt. I mean, have you ever stayed at the Motel 6 in Tuscaloosa? Bottom line — whoever the architect was that decided on a barren wasteland as a building site was either stoned off his ass, or should have been stoned (as in, to death).
Why is that every time I use Super Glue, the only thing that gets permanently stuck together is my fingers? Next time I shake hands with someone, they’re going to look down at my palms and think I’ve either got a contagious skin disease or I’m the Alligator Man.
I just spent half an hour attempting to glue a broken wooden rocking chair back together. Go ahead, insert your punch line. The rocking chair isn’t for me, okay. It’s for mother-in-law.
You might have heard about a bizarre incident recently, where a man was shot and killed for texting inside movie theater.
That’s right — texting.
Irony of all ironies, the name of the movie was Lone Survivor.
The incident occurred at a matinee in Tampa, FL. According to reports, a man was texting while the previews were being shown. Initially, I was somewhat sympathetic to the gunman, until I learned this terrible tragedy happened during the previews. I mean, have you been to the movies lately? Every movie now has eight previews! The movie you paid to see ends up starting 25 minutes later than advertised!
Where’s my gun?
Oh well, back to the story. Another man, sitting right behind the offender, was sufficiently annoyed that he stood up and asked the person texting to shut off his phone — immediately. An altercation erupted and an entire bucket of hot buttered popcorn was spilled. A few minutes later, a man was dead.
Such a needless waste and a terrible tragedy. I mean, have you noted the price of a large popcorn at the movies lately?