Random thoughts that came to me while eating sour lemonade and drinking a ham sandwich…..
 If asked to describe my social media account in just five words or less, I’ll go with this: OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD.
 Actor “Rob Lowe” was trending last week.
My first thought was: Did he die?
My second thought was: Sexual harassment?
My third thought was: Another old blackface photo?
This is the world we now live in.
 I don’t want to sound sacrilegious, but The Bible is boring. It’s a terrible book. Hint: If they want more readers, hire Stephen King to do a massive re-write. If there’s a movie, toss in a few car chases.
 I’m waiting for Five-Thirty-Eight to do a detailed study on the inverse relationship between aging and the number of current hit songs someone can name.
 Someone posted an early draft of the Green New Deal, which contains some crazy-sounding stuff. Okay, whatever. Let me remind everyone that Sir Paul McCartney’s first draft of a weird song that started out as “Scrambled Eggs” eventually became a rock masterpiece titled, “Yesterday.”
 Has anyone checked to see if Matthew McConaughey actually drives a Lincoln Navigator? I really want to know.
 Too bad Rep. John Dingell died last week at the ripe young age of 92. He was almost old enough to run for president.
 I’m done playing in poker tournaments because I’m fed up with all the table changes. I always get moved off my starting table straight into the parking lot.
 Has anyone ever approached the seating host at a restaurant and said, “I’m starving — oh, and I’m here with the Donner Party?”
 If children got screwed by clowns as often as they get doodled by priests and preachers it would be against the law to take your kids to the circus.
 Not sure who I’d rather see doing hard time busting rocks in a prison yard — Donald Trump or Sheldon Adelson. Here’s an idea: Handcuff the two shitbags together. That would make one helluva’ reality television show, wouldn’t it? Gives The Defiant Ones a whole new meaning.
 I’m curious about something. In 1969, we landed a rocket on the moon using computers the size of a gymnasium. Now, fifty years later, how come I can’t get a fucking internet connection in Downtown Summerlin?
 Why are so many old extremist Right-wing White men scared of a relatively powerless 29-year-old freshman socialist congresswoman of color?
 When you wash your car at one of those do-it-yourself places, isn’t handling the scrubber kinda’ like using someone else’s toothbrush?
 The timeline of every rock band:
- First Hit
- Pop Stardom
- Drugs and alcohol
- Reunion tour
 I’m genuinely curious. How can people with no original thoughts and utterly nothing interesting to say somehow get 450,o00 twitter followers?
 Am I the only person alive still using Windows 98? Shouldn’t I get a lifetime achievement award or something?
 Though it does take creativity, I figured out how to live totally rent-free. My new home address is an IKEA store.
 The word “FUCK” is the most creative word in the English language. Think of how many derivatives there are and different ways it can be used. Even the way “FUCK” is said aloud can mean completely different things. “FUCK!” said one way can mean, “this is terrible!” yet can also mean “this is wonderful!” based solely upon the inflection of one’s voice. Whoever invented the word is a fucking genius.
 You haven’t really stood up for much in life unless you have at least a few haters. It’s good to have haters. Hate from those who are ignorant is a currency as valuable as gold.
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