The Perfect Wedding Gift for Charles Manson and His New Bride

 

 

It sure has been a weird couple of weeks.

First, the political party shackled to billionaires, banks, and big business shoplifted won an election fair and square.

Next, despite not doing much actual singing during her horrendous shows and struggling badly to sell tickets, Britney Spears was presented with a key to the city by some local hacks in a bizarre official ceremony in Las Vegas where the presenter forgot to bring along the key.

After that, what remains of Buffalo, New York was hit with so much snowfall that the local residents there are going to be pissing ice cubes at least until next May.

Then most recently, we now find out that America’s “favorite dad,” Bill Cosby is, in fact, a serial rapist who drugged more than a dozen victims.

What next, 80-year-old Charles Manson marrying a seemingly normal 26-year-old pop tart from the Midwest?

I mean, what the fuck?

Then again, let’s rethink this.  Perhaps we’ve all become cynical.  Perhaps we’re being a tad bit too judgmental here.  Maybe it really is true insanity love.  Aren’t psychopathic soul mates entitled to some measure of happiness too?

Accordingly, I think it’s now time that we quit expressing our collective shock and voicing objections and start thinking about the couple’s wedding ceremony and suitable wedding presents.  So what exactly do you buy a wacked out nutcase young lady and her deranged mass-murdering groom incarcerated husband who went bonkers more than half a century ago?

I can think of a few things.  Here are just a few ideas:

 

THE WEDDING DRESS — First we’re going to need a brand new wedding dress for the bride.  Something totally unique.  Here’s a custom-designed lace gown I’ll call “Bridal White Trimmed With O-Positive.”

 

 

THE WEDDING CAKE — Any Manson couple must have a killer wedding cake.  You know, one of those nice white delicacies with the bride and groom standing on top au natural:

 

 

CUTTING THE WEDDING CAKE — Of course, we’ll need something to cut the wedding cake for the guests:

 

 

WEDDING MUSIC — Time to pick out the happy couple’s wedding song.  Isn’t it obvious?

 

 

THE WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER — Help wanted.  We’ll need someone with lots of experience to film and photograph this amazing wedding ceremony (sorry, I couldn’t resist):

 

 

BRIDESMAIDS — Naturally, no Manson wedding would be totally complete without just the right group of adoring bridesmaids:

 

 

THE BEST MAN — Poor Charlie doesn’t have many friends.  So few people in the world understand him.  However, here’s the perfect Best Man to stand proudly at Manson’s side.  Hopefully, he’ll keep the chainsaw on pause while the vows are being exchanged:

 

 

THE WEDDING PARTY — The ceremony between bride and groom should be quite an emotional affair for all the guests.  So, bring plenty of extra tissues:

 

 

WEDDING ENTERTAINMENT — No wedding reception would be complete without some light entertainment for the guests:

 

THE HONEYMOON — The couple will need to pack something suitable for their honeymoon.

 

 

A GIFT FOR THE BRIDE — Let’s all pitch in and take up a collection for something the bride can really use — like electric shock treatments.

 

 

A THRONE FIT FOR A KING — As for the appropriate gift for the groom, Charles Manson deserves to rest comfortably in his new easy chair.  This one seems appropriate.  What do you think?

 

 

Addendum:  By the way, anyone want to continue defending “traditional marriage” where this kind of mockery is legally permissible………

 

 

……….while denying millions of other (sane) couples the same right to happiness?

 

Like I said before, what the fuck???