Instructions For Those Who Send Christmas Cards

Allow me to take this occasion to express my deepest gratitude to so many of you out there who sent me a Christmas card this year, or to appease the political correctness police — “a holiday card.”

Thanks.

It might surprise some of you to know that I celebrate the Christmas season devotedly.  I love opening up my presents.  I feast on festive holiday dinners with plenty of calories.  I indulge myself by drinking more expensive wine than usual.  And football games are way more fun to watch in the snow.

Say what you want about my radical politics, at least I understand the true meaning of Christmas.

That said, here are some suggested guidelines for those of you who adhere to the hallowed annual tradition of sending me a Christmas card.  Following these ten recommendations will greatly enhance my enjoyment of the holiday season.  So, please read and take careful notes:

(1)  Mail out your Christmas cards on time — Try and get your cards to me by mid-December.  If it’s not in my mailbox by around December 15th, chances are the card will end up stuck in a pile of unopened junk mail and overdue notices from bill collectors threatening legal action.

(2)  Flag Christmas cards containing cash — If you’ve placed money inside, write a dollar sign ($) on the outside envelope so I can flag it, open it up, and use the money immediately.  Note that these cards receive a top priority, so if you really want to make a positive impression, cash is strongly encouraged.  I also accept checks.

(3)  Send me a gift certificate I can use — If you buy me a gift certificate, make sure it’s to an outlet that I approve.  Forget iTunes or other bullshit like that.  No more magazines, either.  I have way too much stuff to read already.  And remember this — I can always tell if what you’re sending me is a freebie or a casino giveaway, so don’t try to re-gift me.  Starbucks or wine store gift cards are always welcome.  I’ll also accept department store gift certificates (anything Macy’s or above / nothing TJ Maxx or below / Walmart is banned).  But remember — nothing says “Happy Holidays” more joyously than sweet cold-hard-cash.

(4)  Religious cards are permissible — I even promise to display them prominently above my fireplace, provided your tithing of spirit is accompanied by either cash or a gift card.  Anything $100 or greater gets to be this year’s centerpiece.

(5)  I don’t like elves — Anything with an elf on it gets trashed immediately, that is after I check it for money.  I don’t do elves or munchkins or other bullshit like that.  Elves have no business on a mantel next to the Baby Jesus or Rudolf the Reindeer cards.  That’s sacrilegious.

(6)  Be sure to include a return address — That way, if I’m really impressed with your offering, I can rush out to the Dollar Store and quickly buy you something that looks like a lot of forethought went into the purchase.  But don’t expect me to mail it from the Post Office.  I don’t stand in long lines.  I’ll hold your gift until the next time I see you in Las Vegas.

(7)  Foreigners belong in a separate category — If you’re from a foreign country, I really do appreciate your Christmas card, which probably cost another 35-cents to mail.  However, please note that there’s a damn good chance the card I also sent you accidentally got “lost.”  Getting jacked for extra postage is one thing.  But like I said before, I’m not standing in any long lines at the Post Office to figure out how much it costs to mail a letter to Romania.  Just remember, you’re in my thoughts.

(8)  I don’t want to read your life story — Some of you chose to send along a recap of what you’ve done over the past year.  How nice.  But let’s stick to the highlights, okay?  If you climbed Mount Everest successfully, or picked up an Oscar, or won the state lottery, pray do tell me about it.  This is especially the case if you’re a distant relative and you won millions in the Powerball jackpot.  If this is the case, I really would like to talk to you as soon as possible.  In fact, it’s urgent.

(9)  Make sure I can read your handwriting — Don’t bother writing anything other than signing your name, because most of the time I can’t read your handwriting anyways.  As far as I’m concerned, the paid hacks who write the nice sayings inside the Hallmark Cards are the real professionals.  Leave it to them.  I’m sure the contract employee sitting inside a cubicle in a suburban Kansas City industrial park knows precisely what’s on your mind when he creates that catchy epistle about “peace on earth.”

(10)  If you receive a card from me, expect that it will arrive well after Christmas Day — This is entirely by design.  I figure that otherwise, my card will be forgotten amid all the other cards you receive each year.  I want to really stand out, make an impression, and be remembered for my sacrifice.  Besides, the NFL regular season is over by then, which frees up some time where I can hit the after-Christmas sales to buy you a “last minute” gift.

Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy New Year!

Coming soon:  What to buy me for Christmas.

READ: My seating arrangments

READ: Dealing with boring dinner guests