My Message to Telemarketers

1. No, I don’t want to sell my house!

2. No, I don’t want to buy insurance!

3. No, I don’t want your extended car warranty….unless you can reimburse me right now for a $4500 rebuilt transmission on a 2009 Volvo.

4. No, I don’t want to donate to your political candidate — and why is it the only time I ever hear from any politician is when they’re running for office and begging for money?

5. No, I don’t want to subscribe to the local (conservative-owned, corporate hijacked) newspaper!

6. No, I don’t want pest control service. The war’s over. The bugs won.

7. No, I don’t want to know more about Jesus, unless he plays outfield and can help me win a baseball bet.

8. No, I don’t want to give money to the police or firemen or veterans — they all have pension plans. I don’t!

9. No, I don’t want to invest in your land scheme for the “hottest new desert property development” with vista views next to the land where atomic bombs were once tested.

10. No, I can’t pay the Visa credit card bill on time this month. Blame the fucking Atlanta Falcons minus 3.