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Posted by on Jan 4, 2016 in Blog, Essays | 14 comments

Can Someone Explain FarmersOnly.com? (Because We City Folks Don’t Fucking Get it)


 

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If you watch television, you can’t miss the slew of commercials from an online dating site called FarmersOnly.com.  The ads are so embarrassingly bad, they’re actually pretty great.

This baffling website claims to help farmers create relationships.  It connects “cowboys to cowgirls.”  It’s targeted to people who prefer the country lifestyle.  The commercials even take a swipe at cynical urbanites, purporting that “city folk just don’t get it.”

They’re absolutely right.  I’m city folk,  and I don’t fucking get it.

Oh, I’m sure there’s an untapped market out there for desperate damsels attracted to men bruised with mutton chops.  Some women tingle inside at the sight of a gun rack filled with loaded shotguns tacked onto the rear window of a Ford F-150 pickup.  Come to think of it — kinda’ gives me goosebumps, too.  Yeah, real goosebumps.

What I don’t get is how the hell a dating site for “farmers” can run just as many commercial ads as Budweiser or Viagra?  Are there really that many lonely country folks out there?  And, if indeed there are, would they be paying attention to the commercial break of an Ivy League college basketball game on ESPN between Princeton and Brown?  I don’t mean to stereotype anyone, but wouldn’t farmers instead be tending to their livestock, repairing tractors, picking watermelons, starting campfires, taking over federal buildings, or doing whatever farmers usually do?

In case you haven’t seen the ads, here’s one that’s pretty typical of the marketing pitch:

 

I suppose there’s a genteel charm associated with attractive members of the opposite sex with provincial mannerisms combined with the mirage of life in the country.  Lots of unspoiled land and wide-open spaces….the freedom to do your own thing….the right to pretty much be left alone — those romanticized apparitions appeal to millions of people, including those of us stuck living in cities breathing car exhaust fumes.

Nevertheless, judging by my last couple of cross-country road trips across the American heartland, I haven’t noticed too many George Straits and Matthew McConaugheys tending to the fields, living quiet lives of solitary desperation posting ads for mates on a dating site.  A girl who signs up at FarmersOnly.com seems far more likely to get stuck on a blind date with the toothless banjo boy from “Deliverance” all grown up and rock-hard ready for mating season.

So, how can we explain the hundreds, if not thousands, of FarmersOnly.com spots popping up on our TV screens on almost every channel?  Surely, commercial time costs a shitload of money.  There can’t be that much profit in skimming the vig off matches of Bubba Joe in Talladega with Sally Mae in Chattanooga.  I can’t imagine farmers forking over hundreds or thousands of dollars to meet single maidens, nor can I envisage a queue of damsels eager to set down roots in a trailer park, as tempting as a double-wide with basic cable might seem.

Actually, the explanation might be something else.  First, let’s correct some false assumptions.  According to several sources, it turns out that a sizable percentage of FarmersOnly.com members aren’t country folks, at all.  Many actually live in the suburbs and even in big cities.  I’m not kidding.  One female blogger who conducted her own investigation was shocked to discover a high number of matches for “farmers” came up in — now, hold onto your cowboy hats, partner — New York City.  [READ MORE HERE]

New York City!  Someone, get a rope.

Okay — so it’s not just rural folks and rednecks hanging out on the dating site.  People all over the country seek love, sometimes in some mighty strange places.  Still, seeing who’s being targeted by all this advertising, my citified cynicism tells me this is one helluva’ supersized crackerbox of conservatives.  The site has aired at least a dozen different commercials.  I’ve yet to see any man or woman (or those represented by actors portraying “farmers”) of color.  Not a single Black person.  Not a Latino.  Forget Asians — they don’t farm anyways.  Of course, there’s no inference of a same-sex dating option at the website.  Gee, I guess gay people must not exist outside of New York and San Francisco.  The marketing which is overwhelmingly straight and white does beg a serious question.  Could FarmersOnly.com be a veiled front for what couldn’t be advertised otherwise, which is — “StraightWhiteDatingOnly.com?”

To give some balance here, minority groups have their own dating websites and advocacy organizations.  Some will insist there’s nothing inherently wrong with a website matching people who predominantly happen to prefer dating members of their own race limited to the opposite sex.  If that’s what they’re seeking, then so be it.  I’m all for it.  Actually, I agree that people should be free to choose who they want to date and our advertising will reflect these preferences.  But let’s also cut through the cow dung.

There are significant numbers of farmers and ranchers out there who are not White.  There are certainly large numbers of people who are gay living in rural America.  There’s even an organization called the International Gay Rodeo Association which holds events all over the country.  One presumes these “farmers” would also be interested in dating and developing relationships just like “normal” people, right?  So, why haven’t we seen anyone from these groups in any ads?  Seems odd there hasn’t been a Black, a Latino, a Native-American, an Asian, a Middle-Easterner, nor anyone who’s gay on the dating site for “farmers.”

The evidence is clear as to what’s really going on.  Here’s a commercial for FarmerOnly.com which includes 12 females, according to my count (see below).  Notice any particular racial similarities about this healthy herd of heifers?

Again, call me a cynical city slicker who “just doesn’t get it.”  But something tell me when Bubba Joe logs onto his “free” membership account, this promise of sweet lovelies won’t be awaiting him.  If it is — then I need to move to the farm and join the NRA.  The equivalent of 72 virgins are calling my name.

Hold down the fort, you Oregon patriots!  I’m on my way!

 

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Posted by on Dec 25, 2015 in Blog, Essays, Personal | 1 comment

Is There Such a Thing as an “Ugly” Christmas Gift?

 

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I completed most of my Christmas shopping on December 23rd and 24th.  But I must also confess — I didn’t start Christmas shopping until December 23rd.

Call me a “late bloomer.”  I’m a “closer.”

Foolishly, I figured that just about everyone would have finished buying their holiday gifts by that time and most of the department stores would be nearly empty except, except for a few desperate souls.  Boy, was I wrong!  Little did I know, most people piddle and patter around until the last minute to shop for presents.  Idiots.

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Posted by on Dec 22, 2015 in Blog, Essays, Music and Concert Reviews, Politics | 0 comments

A Marxist Interpretation of Christmas Carols

 

Karl Marx is Santa Claus

 

Capitalism has kidnapped Christmas, blindfolded it, and stuck a sock in its mouth.

Indeed, we’ve become hostages to crass materialism, wild shopping and spending sprees, and ultimately end up as slaves to crushing consumer debt.

So, how did we stray so far adrift from the intended spirit of the holiday tradition of earlier and much simpler times?  What happened to sharing and caring?  Whatever became of goodwill towards all?  Those noblest of virtues were trampled weeks ago, the moment all the stores opened up on Black Friday.

The single constant reminder of the true meaning of the holidays remains the enduring spirit of our most beloved Christmas carols.  Music fills our hearts with joy.  Songs bring us good cheer.  But hidden in between the Yule festivities, might there be something far more profound the songwriters and lyricists intended?

Consider some of our favorite holiday songs.  Might these lyrics have have messages that were inspired by none other than Karl Marx?  This isn’t as crazy as it sounds:

 

“Away in a Manger”

Away in a manger,
No crib for his bed,
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down his sweet head;
The stars in the heavens
Looked down where he lay,
The little Lord Jesus
Asleep on the hay.

— What these lyrics really mean:  Bethlehem’s lack of affordable housing creates homeless children, including impoverished infants.

 

“All I Want for Christmas is You”

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing I need.
I don’t care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree.

— What these lyrics really mean:  The proletariat is starting to revolt and is rejecting boorish materialism.

 

“Do You Hear What I Hear?”

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king,
Do you know what I know
In your palace warm, mighty king,
Do you know what I know
A child, a child shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold.

— What these lyrics really mean:  Capitalism demands that we turn over our wealth to the ruling class.

 

“Frosty the Snowman”

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose,
And two eyes made out of coal.

— What these lyrics really mean:  Frosty desperately needs a single-payer health care system since he can’t afford a normal nose and eyes.  Big tobacco has also turned him into a helpless drug addict (the crack pipe is unspecified).

 

“God Rest ‘Ye Merry Gentlemen”

God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen,
Let nothing you dismay;
Remember Christ, our savior,
Was born on Christmas day.

— What these lyrics really mean:  There’s no mention of women “resting.”  Only gentlemen get to loaf around the house.  Women are required to do all the work around the holidays and even work overtime.  Gender discrimination is rampant.

 

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep.

— What these lyrics really mean:  Lack of community services and proper government oversight creates a voyeuristic child destined for adulthood perversion.

 

“I’ll be home for Christmas”

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I’ll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams.

— What these lyrics really mean:  Poor public transportation systems and lack of infrastructure create heartache around the holidays caused by the separation of family members.

 

“Jingle Bells”

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.

— What these lyrics really mean:  The evils of capitalism lead to a terrible situation — an overworked horse pulling a heavy sled in freezing temperatures — in other words, animal abuse.

 

“Little Drummer Boy”

Mary nodded
The ox and lamb kept time
I played my drum for him
I played my best for him
Pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Then he smiled at me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.

— What these lyrics really mean:  Child labor practices are encouraged during the holidays.  Stressed-out child musician receives no compensation, other than a smile.

 

“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph,
Play in any reindeer games….

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say.
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?

— What these lyrics really mean:  Within free-market economies, minorities face institutionalized mass discrimination and are often exploited for their unique talents and characteristics.

 

“Santa Baby”

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me
I’ve been an awful good girl….
Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue….
Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that’s
Not a lot.
I’ve been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.

— What these lyrics really mean:  Here’s selfish consumerism at its absolute worst.  A young girl is taught to covet a sable coat, a yacht, and blue convertible.  Moreover, she demands he bring all the gifts down the chimney, not tomorrow, but tonight!

 

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”

He sees you when you’re sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake.
He knows if you’ve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!

— What these lyrics really mean:  Constitutional protections and individual civil liberties have been annihilated under capitalism.

 

“The 12 Days of Christmas”

On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a milking,
Seven swans a swimming,
Six geese a laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French Hens,
Two turtle doves
And a Partridge in a pear tree.

— What these lyrics really mean:   “On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love’s credit cards were all maxed out and she declared bankruptcy.”

 

“White Christmas”

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know.

— What these lyrics really mean:  Racism, plain and simple.

 

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Posted by on Dec 19, 2015 in Blog, Essays, Politics, What's Left | 8 comments

President Obama’s Efforts to “Destroy America” a Disastrous Failure

 

US President Barack Obama sings with Santa during the finale fo the annual lighting of the National Christmas tree December 1, 2011 at The Ellipse in Washington, DC. AFP PHOTO/Mandel NGAN (Photo credit should read MANDEL NGAN/AFP/Getty Images)

 

President Obama has failed again.

Born in Kenya to radicalized parents, Barack Obama was cultivated as the perfect sleeper cell for Muslim extremism.  Sent clandestinely by hard-line Islamic conspirators to Hawaii, and then Chicago, his orders were to infiltrate the democratic system, fool the populace, get elected to high office, and implement policies that would ultimately destroy America.  Given the expectations, President Obama has been failure of historic proportions.

Since President Obama assumed office seven years ago in a rigged national election tainted by voter fraud — a global financial meltdown was averted, unemployment has been cut nearly in half, the stock market rocketed up 192 percent, 32 million Americans enjoyed health coverage for the first time, gas prices fell by 35 percent, inflation is non-existent, the U.S. automotive industry was saved, and Democrats appear to be all but assured of controlling the executive branch for at least another four-year term.  None of this was supposed to happen.  President Obama can’t seem to do anything right.

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