What Pisses Me Off About Valet Parking
Valet parking attendants piss me off. They jerk around with my car. Sometimes, they turn my vehicle into their own private joyride for what amounts to about 30 to 40 seconds of personal amusement, which is about the length of time it should take to move a car from the valet entrance into a VIP parking area.
How difficult is it to park a car?
First, take the keys. Then, drive the car into a garage. Next, park and lock it. Finally, bring back the keys and hang them up inside a small kiosk.
Picking up the car is exactly the same, only in reverse. Multiply this procedure hundreds of times daily — $2 to $3 at a time — and pretty soon a Las Vegas valet attendant is making more money per year than a schoolteacher with a Master’s Degree.
Simple, right? How tough can this job be?
Here in Las Vegas, valet parking is an absolute necessity. It’s a way of life for us. Exercising the valet parking option is mandatory unless you want the hike from the parking garage to the casino to end up being a modern-day reenactment of the Bataan Death March.
It’s well worth a few bucks to avoid going to war over empty parking spaces, followed by a half-hour hike to locate the front door of an air-conditioned building.
Trouble is, valet parking attendants burn my fuse and very often piss me off. They jerk around with my car. Sometimes, they turn my vehicle into their own private joyride for what amounts to about 30 to 40 seconds of personal amusement, which is about the length of time it should take to move a car from the valet entrance into a VIP parking area. I’ve seen valet drivers squeal the tires, hot rod the engine, mess with all the knobs and dials on the dashboard, and leave pawprints all over the inside of the vehicle.
For no reason at all. Too bad I can’t inspect my car first, or else they wouldn’t get a $2 tip.
Accordingly, here are some worthy tips for valet parking attendants:
— Don’t mess with my radio — Why do so many valet parkers have to ass jam the radio? What reason do they have to touch the CD-player and change my playlist? Why? For what? It should take all of about 40 seconds to drive my car into a parking space and then get out. So, what makes them fumble with my music and put on their own shit, usually garbage I can’t stand? In the past, I’ve picked up my car only to discover later that all of my preferred stations are no longer on pre-set. Instead, there’s some rap station locked into the memory. How much music can they listen to in 40 seconds? I think some of this might be intentional.
— Don’t change my air conditioning and heater settings — When I pull my car into the valet, the settings are usually just right for me. So, why make any adjustments? Of course, I never use the heater or air conditioner in the car, because it’s bad for the engine. So, if I pull into the driveway with no AC going, then that’s the way I want my car returned to me a few hours later. I don’t want the air blowing on me like I’m in the middle of an arctic storm. Don’t touch my temperature knobs!
— Don’t adjust my seats — I realize drivers come in different shapes and sizes. But I’m exactly six-feet tall, which is within the comfort zone for anyone of normal height. When then do valet parkers act like they’re driving my car cross-country? They change the seat position, move the steering wheel, they recline the chair to suit them. For what — so they can ride in comfort for 40 fucking seconds? Here’s my plea directed straight at valet people — It took me six months to get that front seat adjusted just right. Now, you’ve destroyed that in 15 seconds.
— Don’t adjust my mirrors — My mirrors are set for my safety. I shouldn’t have to spend the next hour or so re-adjusting all the mirror angles because some 5-foot-tall valet parking munchkin contorted all my mirrors out of place. The same rules which apply to my seats also apply to the mirrors. Leave the mirrors the fuck alone!
— Have the appropriate change handy — I want to tip you properly. I really do. But sometimes I don’t have the proper change. So, don’t give me that line of bullshit about not carrying any cash on you. If all I have in my pocket is a $5 or $10 dollar bill, the least you can do is carry some shank singles. That way, I win. You win. Everyone leaves happy. If you think that “no change” technique works on me, that is, pretending you don’t have two bucks back in change for a $5 bill, you’re not going to like which of the two options I chose.
— Don’t treat my vehicle as a race car — I’ve picked up my car before and you can actually smell the oil burning. That usually means one of two things — either the oil is very low (no chance) or the driver was gunning the engine like he behind with a lap to go at Talladega. And, if he was gunning the engine, that also means he was probably burning the rubber off the tires cutting corners too fast. Hey, prick — do your Le Mans impression with your own vehicle, okay — not mine. Besides, you look pretty stupid sitting revving up the engine of a Volvo.
There you have it.
What did I miss? What other sage advice do we have for valet parking attendants?
TAG: Valet parking secrets
READ: What happens when you lose your ticket at airport parking?
Boy, I really hope tomorrow is a post about how much you really enjoy running (to nowhere in particular).
leave my change alone!
How about not stealing the change out of my console!
How about casino’s not charging for valet like they do in New Orleans and Tamp Florida.
$12 valet parking at River Rock in Vancouver… LOLOL
I think you missed a paragraph on valet body odour.
I call BS on the heater and AC being bad for your engine. Just traded in a 2003 ford f350 with 228k miles and I ran the SHIT out of the AC. Never had a problem. Please explain this further? How is the heater and AC bad for the engine?.
Don’t forget the “hotbox”. Some valet attendants think its hilarious to expel the gaseous contents of their colon into your cabin and then run away before you realize it.
Yeah, its a thing.
Out of habit from living in the UK I never use value parking while in the US.
Where I am from, if you hand your car keys to a late teenage kid outside a hotel entrance, the next time you will see it it will either be burnt out after a 40 mile police chase ended in a crash, for sale on Ebay or you will have aquired several automatic speeding tickets from the multitude of speed cameras in the UK. So it could be worse!
Nolan,
Although I did enjoy your rant, your reasons (some of which you overlooked) are indeed the essence of WHY I NEVER valet my car at any casino EVER!!!
They may find something in the car that you forgot was there or you KNOW is there and “poof” it’s gone! Trust is hard to embrace in a gambling environment don’t you think?
I actually started a company that seeks to solve your last pet peeve (among other things) for owners of fine cars. We have a feature called the “Bueller Buster” that sends a text alert if the valet (or the popular and overly resourceful friend of your child) takes off in your fine automobile. And if it’s more than a joyriding teen, you can send a live GPS tracker link to the authorities. http://supercartracking.com/
One of the most amazing features of modern luxury cars is memory settings for the electric seats/mirrors/etc. They usually have 2 or 3 memory slots available, i.e. so you and your partner can each have their settings, and in addition to being able to recall them with a button in the car, some of the fancier ones associate the setting with the keyless entry fob, so just by entering the car, your settings are automatically recalled… I can’t wait until this is standard on every car!!
speaking as a valet attendant first of all most of us try to not touch the seats and mirrors but when we do its so we can get your car parked safely not for our personal comfort. A lot of us don’t have change because we already dropped our tips into our tip bag and if we don’t charge for valet we won’t have change, how many change machines, slot attendants and cashier cages did you pass on your way out? Please remember most of us are barely making minimum wage if that and depend on tips. If you have bad experience with a valet just complain to there supervisor for me I don’t do anything that will jeopardize my job.
As another fellow valet attendant in Las Vegas, I would also like to point something out for everyone here. $2 is a weak tip. It means you are cheap. Of course, from your ranting, it seems like you come and go multiple times for that $2 tip. That is a bad thing buddy. That changed radio station? That AC being on? The changed mirrors? Seat being moved? That smell of burned oil? (Is probably your brakes burned from driving the car with the hand brake FULLY engaged) Dude, from your complaints, it sounds like you’re a habitual stiffer, and those guys are fed up with your antics. (Btw, the high revving engine is from driving with the hand brake fully engaged! )
For EVERYONE out there, most las vegas valet are good drivers that know how to park your car better than you do. If you get the problems this guy gets, then stop bringing your car to valet and stiffing us. That’s the only reason why these retarded things keep happening to you.
bullshit. valet parking is completely unnecessary, like bathroom attendants. it’s a stupid money-grab. 99% of drivers hate this shit. get a real job.
As a valet driver I can agree with all of your statements expect the AC. People have zero consideration that we work outside and when we get into a car we would rather it not be 90 degrees with your funk recirculating in the cabin. I simply press turn the max ac off, and roll a window down to get that smell of car seats, Burger King, and poor tipping habits out of the cabin. Furthermore, moving the seats is a matter of safety. If my knees are in the dash board or I can’t reach the wheel, guess what, your seat is being moved.