It’s only taken me 30 years, but I’ve finally discovered the hidden secret to NFL wagering. Beating football requires a mixed arsenal of three planks — teaser wheels, martingales, and pigeons.
Despite my bankroll getting cut-throated in mid-season, there’s actually a chance I might rise from the dead out of my own grave and get back on my feet again, should this week’s football pick end up with cashing a ticket.
Haters be damned. The dead is about to rise. Call me fucking Lazaras.
My New NFL Betting System: “Mini-Martingaling Your Way Out of the Red and Into the Black”
Before launching into a thorough analysis of my expert NFL pick for Sunday, first here’s a short update on the disaster of what’s happened during the last few weeks.
Recall that two weeks ago, I employed the services of an “outside consultant.” After getting my brains beat out while tinkering on a total nervous breakdown by doing things the conventional way, I decided to bring in a street pigeon who was entrusted with making my weekly selection. The pigeon, randomly chosen from the neighborhood flock, selected the Indianapolis Colts +6 in a MNF game against the Carolina Panthers. The pigeon’s play looked like a loser for 55 minutes, until the closing stages of the game when the Colts stormed back and tied the score late, sent the game into overtime, and ended up getting the cover. The pigeon won!
One of the easiest ways to figure out if an NFL handicapper knows what he’s talking about is to ask his opinion of betting on preseason games.
Anyone who insists the preseason is either “unplayable” or “unbeatable” should be dismissed instantly as someone who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Don’t listen to anything else he says. Run the other way! Such opinion reveals a fundamental lack of understanding about the most important aspects of football handicapping — which are coaching philosophy, quarterbacking, roster depth, and motivation. Injuries also merit a mention, but aren’t usually a key factor until the regular season.