Let’s Castrate People With Peanut Allergies
Over the years, I’ve written many provocative things. Some decent. Other things that fell flat. Here’s a comedic sketch (ala Lewis Black) I wrote, that pissed off lots of readers. See the comments section. I leave it up at my site for a few reasons — to show that our attitudes on things change over time and that it’s okay to aim and miss sometimes.
People with peanut allergies shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce.
Sterilize them.
Why should the rest of the world be denied the pleasure of eating peanuts in public because a few freaks happen to break out in hives whenever there’s a scent of a peanut in the same zip code?
Allergic to peanuts? Sorry. Wear a mask or something. Or move to the moon.
When I fly on Southwest Airlines, I typically scarf down 8 to 10 bags of peanuts — three I paw from the flight attendant, plus the seven more I manage to pilfer during my bogus trip to the restroom. Hey — if I’m paying $279 round trip for a cross-country flight buckled up in coach and I don’t even get the luxury of being served a decent meal, then I’m going to stuff myself so full of peanuts that the following day I’ll be shitting Payday bars.
But now, the inmates are taking over the asylum. The peanut police are fucking up everybody’s fun. They’ve already succeeded in removing peanuts from our public schools. And, vending machines are taking out peanut products because they “contaminate” the hallways of hotels. The peanut Nazis are even close to obliterating them from airplanes. What next? “Peanut-free Pad Thai?”
It’s got to stop. Now.
Here’s what I fail to understand. Go back and examine the records of human history. When’s the very first time you ever recall hearing about someone coming down with a so-called “peanut allergy?” Ten, perhaps twenty years ago?
How did mankind somehow manage to survive for the last 150,000 years on the planet without the peanut police telling everyone what we can and can’t eat? Were Neanderthals breaking out in cold sweats and choking on their own vomit when a stray nut found its way into the cave? Were there peanut allergies during the Middle Ages? Did the starving masses pass out because a few peanut shells were scattered on the floor?
Seriously, whoever heard of something called a “peanut allergy” until now?
Well, I think this is all bullshit.
So, I have the perfect solution. Let these people wear bags or something. Yeah, I realize that’s uncomfortable, especially during the hot summer. Then, there’s the problem of trying to breathe and all, which I haven’t quite figured out yet. But the peanut pansies have two choices — either wear a mask or don’t fucking fly. Then there’s the obvious solution. You can always drive where you need to go. You can designate your car as “a peanut-free zone” if you want. Just don’t expect a jumbo 767 airliner packed with 350 passengers to bow to your bizarre health fetishes. Sorry, but the entire universe shouldn’t be penalized because of your phobias. I’m sure some people are afraid of water, too. But we continue to build swimming pools.
By enabling these weak links in the human gene chain, we’re procreating the demon seed. During the previous tens of thousands of years, peanut victims simply died off. They’d see a peanut, panic, start convulsing, teeter over, and end up in a grave. So, they couldn’t reproduce and pop out more crazy peanut people.
But now, we’re not only letting them live. We’re allowing them to legally reproduce. And since they’re living instead of dying off, they’re now gaining political power and influence. Pretty soon, the peanut crazies will outnumber us normal people. They’re eventually going to enact laws designed for their selfish interests and demand millions to sacrifice who have enjoyed the pleasures of peanuts for centuries. Eventually, peanuts will end up with the same stigma as a crack pipe. Inner cities will be filled with dangerous dens of peanut addicts who will commit terrible crimes in order to feed their nasty addiction.
Think this is a joke? Hey — if the government can take away our AK-47s, they can sure as hell comes after our peanuts.
Here’s a thought. Perhaps the peanut freaks could be segregated. Give them their own private island sanctuary — just like the old leper colonies. That way anti-peanut people could live in peace where all peanut products are banned. Imagine the harmony of that community, being able to shut out the modern world, live in a place where everyone thinks the same, and breed amongst themselves. What a novel concept. Oh, wait. We already have a place like that. It’s called Utah.
So, I guess that won’t work. Well, there’s only one option remaining. The way I see things, there’s only one solution.
We must castrate all peanut allergy sufferers. Right now.
The time has come for us to take back our schools, our airliners, and our vending machines. We’ll even sweeten the pot a bit. Castration will have its privileges. We’ll give them special parking decals, since there are way too many handicapped spaces, anyway. Besides, it’s probably tough to walk, at least temporarily. The least we can do is provide special parking decals.
Indeed, this destructive anomaly inflicting the human gene pool must be eradicated. Letting these peanut freaks take over the world is just plain nuts.
Note: This post from 2013 raised controversy and has been widely criticized. It’s one of the few articles that probably would not be written again if given the choice. However, my policy is that I will never take down any article I’ve written (unless there are glaring factual errors). From day one, I’ve used this forum to experiment with many different topics and attempts at humor. That will continue to be the case, without restraint.
Can I eat peanuts if I play in the WSOP?
Oh, and I was LOLing when you were shitting Payday bars.
Um wow what a SOB you are. Making concessions for people with disabilities is called being a good citizen.
Peanut / tree nut “allergy” is not a disability, you idiot. It’s mass-hysteria taken on by the Munchausen’s by proxy female contingent.
No sir, you are wrong. An anaphylactic peanut allergy is different from someone not “liking” peanuts or being hysterical. It is a bona fide genetically based medical condition where your body reacts to the protein in the peanut, causing a massive release of histamines, causing the airways and lungs to shut down, blood pressure to drop and your heart to stop. I know this because I have the allergy and have had an anaphylactic shock by accidentally ingesting nuts (I unfortunately have it to all nuts, not just peanuts). It is terrifying and I am very lucky to be alive. What is really annoying is there are people out there who whine about dietary restrictions that ARE self created and chosen, not genetically fatal. These people ruin for those of us who really do have a life-threatening allergy. Sitting on a plane for a couple of hours without nuts isn’t going to kill you, or make your life miserable. But sitting on a plane with them could kill me. What am I supposed to do, swim over the ocean? You need to grow up and get over it. Sometimes you make sacrifices for others because it is the right thing to do. And this isn’t even a friggin’ sacrifice, it is simple humanity. Man, you need a crash course in empathy.
If a peanut can kill you, maybe you should not reproduce.
This was the entire message of the post.
There’s nothing to gain by passing this gene on, and it only weakens humanity as a whole by having to prop up this evolutionary dead end which would otherwise die out on its own in nature without the support that we’re giving it.
Don’t reproduce, your genes suck.
I have REAL food allergies and I can tell you right now that anaphylaxis and reactions are terrifying. Are you saying that people with any other genetic or hereditary condition or disease should also be castrated/not be able to reproduce? Which by the way includes and is by no means limited to cancer, color blindness, obesity, diabetes, and heart conditions?
Actually he is right people with nut allergies arecweak and should be sterilized
Last I checked having parents with a peanut allergy doesn’t guarantee you will have a peanut allergy. Both myself and my wife do not have a peanut allergy and my child does.
Evolution is not so simple, ya fuck. If it was, there would already be no people’s with allergies
Fuck you. Rot in Hell you scum.
Clearly you wrote this piece to garner attention. Few people could truly be this vile. And I have mixed feelings about responding, as I don’t want to feed your deeply depraved ego. So, I will keep it short and sweet. Your rantings are reminiscent of Hitler and Nazi Germany. Pathetic, misguided, evil.
Your a sick cunt I hope you for from a horrible illness x
You are so ignorant I had to laugh… Really you are complaining about not being able to eat NUTS during a flight… Wow sounds like you are the one that should not procreate! Dude,at least come up with something smart to say about a subject you obviously know nothing about. You are butt hurt cause you can’t have nuts so you write about it but do not do the proper research as to the reason why you cannot have your nuts in an airplane. So ignorant I hate that I read this and felt compelled to reply to your dumb ass.. Here is 5 minutes of my life I will never get back…. Go suck on your peanuts and shut up about it!!!
Obviously he is kidding, people. Relax. Yes, we feel bad for the peanut free people but I don’t want to be punished for it. How annoying when my kid goes to school and she can’t bring in peanut containing foods? That is utterly ridiculous that I would have to change my daughter’s diet for a weak link. I say make special schools for these kids. LOL.
The peanut sufferers have always existed but in the past they surely died without adequate medical care. Now, we envelope our sick kids in a bubble. They survive, the world population has more than quadrupled and is set to double again by 2050. Ugh! I am all for survival of the fittest!
Go fuck yourself. You have to make one little adjustment so that other kids don’t have a chance of dying. You are an inconsiderate piece of shit.
So if I tied u to a chair and dumped acid down your throats effectively killing u but say hey it’s not bad get over it u will be any less dead lol pull your head out of your asses
The only “weak link” regarding this subject is YOU! Oh my, your poor kid can’t have peanuts or peanut products at school, because my child could DIE!!! How would you feel about this stance you have taken IF your child was the one fatally allergic to the ingredient?!?!?! Get a clue. It;’s life or death, not a personal preference!! Joking or not, this is some sickening opinions!
I have to read EVERY food label before buying. I have to take EVERY precaution possible, carry Epipens at all times, train everyone who come into contact with my child, panic because you must be in a plane cabin for a few hours, forgo live baseball games that are a big part of our culture, etc.
You are a narcissistic and vile excuse for a person. I think Karma will bite you bigger than any peanut allergy reaction that you will never have to face. Do us all a favor and don’t reproduce, yourself!
Good to see that most people answering this guy ,believe him to be a complete idiot. Formerly ,I smoked ,yes on an airline ,until they banned it . Good idea ,because unless you’re an extremely selfish and weak person ,I think you can live without a smoke for a few hours . Why would peanuts or products made with nuts be any more of a problem ? It’s a temporary situation to be without your nuts or your smokes or anything else ,….that could harm others ,so why not just try and be decent . With all the terrorist precautions we take on an airline ,I think it’s safe to say ,…most of us if confronted ,would rise up against the people trying to hurt us ,but if the peanut people like myself can’t breath, I can’t help and that bothers me .
Your the biggest pussy in the world if your really complaining on the internet about not being able to eat a peanut on an airplane flight
You should kill yourself. You are an ignorant piece of shit. I hope you get throat cancer and die a slow death. Fuck.you.
its survival of the fittest! not survival of the weakest so fuck you and your allergies! if you die cause an allergy its a process of nature in order to get rid of the weakest and for the strongest genetic code to be passed on for the survival and evolution of human species. were devolving by keeping these kinds of people alive instead of letting nature play out. you people who advocate the living of people with “problems” are the selfish ones who dont care about the human species as a whole!
Wow… maybe the ones that should be weeded out of the human race are the ones on this board with the lack of intelligence or compassion like you. The human species is THRIVING because of medical advancements, humanitarianism, and morale compasses. We’re not worse off because of them. So you’re argument can be made of any disability. Why stop there? Why don’t we castrate any “holier-than-thou,” egotistical, narcissistic, Frasier Crane wannabe bloggers. That should relieve quite a bit of anger and hatred in this world which would better the human race.
You’re right. Pay no attention to the other morons saying how awful that is, they’re just democrats.
Boy are you a retarded piece of shit-you have no idea what it’s like for people with this problem- I know what it’s like because I am allergic to peanuts,tree nuts, eggs,soy and other things-it is not easy to live with this-I have to be afraid when going to baseball games-I HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR EVERY TIME I TAKE A FUCKING BITE-but I have overcome-you call us a weak link but I am just as good as you or anyone else-I play football and I wrestle-I am a straight a student and a strong athlete I am just as good as anyone-so all I want to say is that you ARE A RETARDED FUCKING NAZI WHO SHOUD BURN IN HELL WITH HITLER AND OSAMA BIN LADEN-YOU SHOULDNT REPRODUCE YOU PATHETIC CUNT ASS TINY LITTLE BITCH
Its so simple , people that are weak* or whatever , if they die , die then , everybody will die some day and its all fated. who cares about whatever allergies , no time for these shit. As it aint our problem but dont make ur problem become other’s problem
I have lived a lot of years and have studied history. People have been taught to hate Nazi Germany but they had one thing right. Weaklings and genetic defects do not deserve a place on this planet. Peanut allergy??!! Seriously??!! Get over it or die!
If your child is allergic to nuts, its a simple solution. Dont let them eat them. Your child should know about their medical condition and if they still eat something with nuts in it, its their fault for not checking/asking.
I came upon this article late in the game. I just wanted to say I loved it. I forwarded it to my friends and they loved it, too. Absolutely hilarious! And, dare I say, a little bit true . . .
Reading this from my home in Russia and having a good laugh. This piece would make today’s snowflakes literally die even without peanuts.