Over the years, I’ve written many provocative things. Some decent. Other things that fell flat. Here’s a comedic sketch (ala Lewis Black) I wrote, that pissed off lots of readers. See the comments section. I leave it up at my site for a few reasons — to show that our attitudes on things change over time and that it’s okay to aim and miss sometimes.
People with peanut allergies shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce.
Sterilize them.
Why should the rest of the world be denied the pleasure of eating peanuts in public because a few freaks happen to break out in hives whenever there’s a scent of a peanut in the same zip code?
Allergic to peanuts? Sorry. Wear a mask or something. Or move to the moon.
When I fly on Southwest Airlines, I typically scarf down 8 to 10 bags of peanuts — three I paw from the flight attendant, plus the seven more I manage to pilfer during my bogus trip to the restroom. Hey — if I’m paying $279 round trip for a cross-country flight buckled up in coach and I don’t even get the luxury of being served a decent meal, then I’m going to stuff myself so full of peanuts that the following day I’ll be shitting Payday bars.
But now, the inmates are taking over the asylum. The peanut police are fucking up everybody’s fun. They’ve already succeeded in removing peanuts from our public schools. And, vending machines are taking out peanut products because they “contaminate” the hallways of hotels. The peanut Nazis are even close to obliterating them from airplanes. What next? “Peanut-free Pad Thai?”
It’s got to stop. Now.
Here’s what I fail to understand. Go back and examine the records of human history. When’s the very first time you ever recall hearing about someone coming down with a so-called “peanut allergy?” Ten, perhaps twenty years ago?
How did mankind somehow manage to survive for the last 150,000 years on the planet without the peanut police telling everyone what we can and can’t eat? Were Neanderthals breaking out in cold sweats and choking on their own vomit when a stray nut found its way into the cave? Were there peanut allergies during the Middle Ages? Did the starving masses pass out because a few peanut shells were scattered on the floor?
Seriously, whoever heard of something called a “peanut allergy” until now?
Well, I think this is all bullshit.
So, I have the perfect solution. Let these people wear bags or something. Yeah, I realize that’s uncomfortable, especially during the hot summer. Then, there’s the problem of trying to breathe and all, which I haven’t quite figured out yet. But the peanut pansies have two choices — either wear a mask or don’t fucking fly. Then there’s the obvious solution. You can always drive where you need to go. You can designate your car as “a peanut-free zone” if you want. Just don’t expect a jumbo 767 airliner packed with 350 passengers to bow to your bizarre health fetishes. Sorry, but the entire universe shouldn’t be penalized because of your phobias. I’m sure some people are afraid of water, too. But we continue to build swimming pools.
By enabling these weak links in the human gene chain, we’re procreating the demon seed. During the previous tens of thousands of years, peanut victims simply died off. They’d see a peanut, panic, start convulsing, teeter over, and end up in a grave. So, they couldn’t reproduce and pop out more crazy peanut people.
But now, we’re not only letting them live. We’re allowing them to legally reproduce. And since they’re living instead of dying off, they’re now gaining political power and influence. Pretty soon, the peanut crazies will outnumber us normal people. They’re eventually going to enact laws designed for their selfish interests and demand millions to sacrifice who have enjoyed the pleasures of peanuts for centuries. Eventually, peanuts will end up with the same stigma as a crack pipe. Inner cities will be filled with dangerous dens of peanut addicts who will commit terrible crimes in order to feed their nasty addiction.
Think this is a joke? Hey — if the government can take away our AK-47s, they can sure as hell comes after our peanuts.
Here’s a thought. Perhaps the peanut freaks could be segregated. Give them their own private island sanctuary — just like the old leper colonies. That way anti-peanut people could live in peace where all peanut products are banned. Imagine the harmony of that community, being able to shut out the modern world, live in a place where everyone thinks the same, and breed amongst themselves. What a novel concept. Oh, wait. We already have a place like that. It’s called Utah.
So, I guess that won’t work. Well, there’s only one option remaining. The way I see things, there’s only one solution.
We must castrate all peanut allergy sufferers. Right now.
The time has come for us to take back our schools, our airliners, and our vending machines. We’ll even sweeten the pot a bit. Castration will have its privileges. We’ll give them special parking decals, since there are way too many handicapped spaces, anyway. Besides, it’s probably tough to walk, at least temporarily. The least we can do is provide special parking decals.
Indeed, this destructive anomaly inflicting the human gene pool must be eradicated. Letting these peanut freaks take over the world is just plain nuts.
Note: This post from 2013 raised controversy and has been widely criticized. It’s one of the few articles that probably would not be written again if given the choice. However, my policy is that I will never take down any article I’ve written (unless there are glaring factual errors). From day one, I’ve used this forum to experiment with many different topics and attempts at humor. That will continue to be the case, without restraint.