Which State Has the Worst Drivers?
Florida is a wonderful place to visit. But I wouldn’t want to drive here.
Which state has the worst drivers in the country?
That’s easy.
Okay, so Florida actually ranks 10th worst.
I’ve been down here for five days now and I’ve already witnessed three traffic accidents. I don’t mean driving by the crash scene after the accident happened. I mean actually witnessed the crash.
What is it with Floridians when they get behind the wheel of a car? There are no mountains here with slopes and dangerous curves. All the roads are pretty much flat and straight. Weather shouldn’t be a factor. It almost never freezes. And the road signs are in big bold letters for all the blind seniors who can’t remember where they live, or where they’re going. No wonder this backwater state can’t even run a clean presidential election every four years.
Indeed, the trouble starts with millions of senior citizens who are utterly convinced that driving is an inherent human right up until their last dying breath. I’m now convinced that all the late model Cadillacs and Grand Marquis sold in South Florida — which seems to be the two cars of choice — come with a mandatory set of blinders. You know, just like you see on racehorses. No matter what, they drive straight ahead. “Defensive driving.” isn’t an automotive concept. It’s a football term.
Add in another million or so rude New Yorkers and even ruder people from New Jersey, who zig and zag in and out of traffic like taxi drivers in midtown Manhattan, and what you’ve got is a combustible powder keg of twisted metal and broken glass on every road. This problem is made much worse by the fact that most of the seniors who live here used to be rude New Yorkers and even ruder people from New Jersey, who don’t know they’re 89-years-old and can’t see and hear. Every time there’s a “thump,” no one knows if it’s a speed bump or a dead jaywalker.
Then, there are the native Floridian rednecks who drive jacked-up trucks with mag wheels and NRA stickers on the bumpers who all seem to be frustrated with Daytona 500 wannabes. What is with monster trucks and broken mufflers? Please explain — why do these two atrocities always go hand in hand? Can’t they visit a fucking Midas shop? Sprinkle in another million illegal aliens who can’t read the English language, plus a lot of street names in the Native American language like “Okeechobee,” and the roadways turn into a complete clusterfuck.
The very worst crash course and traffic gauntlet is Interstate-95, which is the major highway from Miami all the way up to the Northeast. If there’s an accident, which happens dozens of times daily somewhere along the Gold Coast, the entire thoroughfare becomes clogged like bacon grease funneling through an artery. I’ve seen I-95 backed up for ten miles in some stretches. Traffic. Just. Fucking. Stops.
Another thing I notice about I-95 – there seem to be two speeds for drivers. Exactly half the cars go 50 mph. The other half goes 80. Trouble is, the cars going 50 mph are all mostly in the left-hand lane. And the faster traffic slaloms through the congestion like traffic pylons. Cadillacs going 50. Minivans with New Jersey plates going 80. Monster trucks with broken mufflers doing 90. What could possibly go wrong?
Oh, and when it rains – fuggedaboutit. There might as well be a sheet of ice on the roads to go along with a blizzard. The situation becomes totally hopeless. Since it’s rained here all week long, that probably accounts for more accidents than usual. Which begs the question — when it rains why don’t they slow down? Well, they don’t. In fact, they drive even faster because everyone’s running late.
Pedestrians make the situation even worse. I don’t know if it’s the sunshine frying their brains, the stifling humidity, or the dope and prescription pills, but Floridians are some of the stupidest motherfuckers I’ve ever seen. They have no idea what a crosswalk is, except that just about anything goes when it comes to walking across a busy street stacked up with speeding traffic. In my many visits here, I’ve seen dozens of instances when people standing on the sidewalks suddenly dart out into busy boulevards without warning, like they have a death wish. The last time I was down here, some idiot jumped out in front of me while I was speeding. I hit the brakes so hard it knocked the cell phone right out of my hand.
Florida is a wonderful place to visit. But I wouldn’t want to drive here.
How do you always nail it Nolan? I always enjoy your blogs and this one was particularly funny. Maybe cause I’m in the process of trying to stage an intervention to take away the DL of an 86 year old? She’s in Long Beach but the result is the same. Well done, my friend.
U are so right. Peggy and I have lived here for 26 years 1 1/2 miles from I95. We average 2 near misses every time we hit the road.
Florida must be bad, because I think Nevada has absolutely terrible drivers, and that’s your basis of comparison.
With all due respect Nolan, Florida sounds like a place I wouldn’t want to visit.