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So, 715 New Planets Were Just Discovered (What’s the Big Deal?)

Posted by on Feb 28, 2014 in Blog | 3 comments

 

saturn

 

They just announced the discovery of 715 new planets.

This doesn’t mean the planets are actually new.  Only that we didn’t know about them before.  So, they’re new to us.  Here’s a direct link to the news story: CLICK HERE

Okay, I read it.  And frankly, I don’t understand what’s the big deal.  I could have told them there were a bunch of planets out there, totally for free.  Just look up in the sky.  Had they asked my opinion, they could have saved a ton of tax dollars and endowment money paying all those expensive people salaries who spend all their time looking up at the sky.  Some job, huh?  Those fancy scientists should have been doing other stuff with their time, like looking for UFOs.

Speaking of UFOs, I’ve figured out why aliens are here.  It’s obvious.  They’re looking for sandwiches.  A slice of pizza.  A bag of peanuts.  Anything — just so long as they can eat something.  You don’t believe me?  Check them out.  Look at their bodies.  Admit it.  Have you ever an alien that looked healthy?  You ever a fit and muscular alien?  Hell no!  Every one of those creatures has an 18-inch waist and pale skin.  They don’t eat well.  They don’t have suntans.  They look like shit.

You’d think that if these people were so scientifically advanced, at least they’d know how to grill a cheeseburger.  And we’re supposed to get guidance from them?  No, thanks.  After taking one look, I think I’ll stay here on planet earth and enjoy a greasy bucket of KFC — thank you very much.

So, now these scientists who all think they’re so smart to say they’ve discovered a total of 715 new planets.  How do they know?  Those lights up in the sky all look the same to me.  How would they know a star from a planet?  Half of those lights could be airplanes for all we know.  What I really suspect is happening is this — they’re throwing darts and making stuff up.  That’s because they know no one else is capable of challenging what they claim.  What’s someone going to say — the scientists are wrong, there are only 620 new planets?  Who can you believe?

The arrogance doesn’t end there.  They even claim the ability to predict how far away some of these stars are, and which galaxy they’re located in.  Sorry, but I’m calling bullshit here.  I can’t even get my GPS to work half the time.  There’s no way some nerd dressed in a white lab coat looking into a telescope a few minutes a day is going to tell me there are 715 new planets out there.  Besides, what have these scientists been doing for the last 45 years since they staged that fake moon landing?  Shouldn’t they have identified those planets a hell of a lot sooner?  What happened, did they just now all magically appear?  Somebody must be sleeping on the job.

You can guess what’s coming next after this major announcement was made.  These scientists want more money.  For what?  To hang out and drink coffee around the giant telescope in order to find more planets?  Why!  We can barely handle the planets we’ve already got.  Come to think of it, we can’t even handle one planet — our own.  Do we really want to be taking on more of the universe’s problems?  I mean — 715 planets or 715,000 planets?  What’s the difference?  How’s that going to put cheap gas in my car?  Or sack the quarterback of the team I bet against so I can cover the spread?

Hey, try this.  How about actually doing something useful — like creating a cure for a tequila hangover?  Or making it where my cell phone calls don’t get dropped in mid-sentence.  How about curing the stuff here on earth before tackling what’s going on with Mars and Venus?  At the very least scientists should be capturing UFOs and talking to the aliens, by now.

Someone needs to do a serious audit on these guys.  They spend years locked away inside observatories staring at stars and planets all day and night, and this is what we finally get after all that so-called “research?”  We learn there are 715 new planets that aren’t anywhere close to us, and no one cares about it?

I think planets are overrated.  Way overrated.  Just look at the eight right here in our solar system.  Some scientists still can’t even decide if Pluto is a planet, or not.  They’re nothing but balls of fire, gas, and rock — stuff no one needs.  They’re totally worthless.  If there’s no gold or diamonds on the planet, what’s the point of worrying about it?  Leave it alone.  It’s not going anywhere.

Prediction:  In a few more years, they’ll announce the discovery of another 500 planets.  Or a thousand.  Whatever.  So long a Spirit Airlines isn’t flying there, I don’t give a shit.

I don’t like planets.  I think we should stop wasting time worrying about them.

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A Few Words About My Dear Friend Neil Channing

Posted by on Feb 26, 2014 in Blog, General Poker, World Series of Poker | 2 comments

 

CHANNING

 

Life is full of ups and downs.

The peaks and valleys are amplified even more so for professional poker players.

At times, poker can be an exhilarating profession.  However, more often the game is a lonely and dispiriting pursuit, riled with frustration.

Neil Channing knows this perhaps better than anyone.  

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Breaking News: Nevada and Delaware Create First Interstate Online Poker Pact

Posted by on Feb 25, 2014 in Blog, General Poker | 1 comment

shaking-hands

 

Poker players woke up to more good news this morning with the announcement the nation’s first interstate poker pact is currently in the works.

Nevada and Delaware, the first two U.S. states to legalize online poker, agreed to form a partnership that is expected to allow poker players in those two respective states to play and compete together in online games.  This pact applies only to poker.

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Mutts and Purebreds

Posted by on Feb 23, 2014 in Blog | 0 comments

 

sochi-dog

 

Our treatment of animals doesn’t reveal so much about what they are, as who we are.

This is especially true for dogs.

On one hand, dogs purportedly are “mans’ best friend.”  Yet, the appellation “dog” is often used as an insult hurled at those deemed to be less than human.  “He’s a dog,” or “She’s a dog” — we know exactly what’s meant by these derisive expressions, don’t we?

So, which is it?  Are dogs our most adored companions, or the typification of filth?

Well, they’re both.  And precisely which side of the fence of human perception any particular dog falls into has virtually nothing to do with them.  After all, canine DNA is basically the same from animal to animal.  Rather, what makes us value one dog more than another are the twisted peculiarities of selective breeding, which are used to accentuate and exaggerate physical characteristics and behavioral traits.

These common breeding practices have turned some dog varieties into freaks.  We’ve drifted so far away from the process of natural selection, that some breed-types are no longer able to breathe normally, or see well, or have trouble walking — all because of the specific characteristics we desire in some of our pets.  This is a disgrace.  It’s nothing to be proud of.  It’s nothing to celebrate.

Indeed, we’ve collectively reached a new low, and it’s reflected in how we treat and look upon dogs.  We discriminate based on a common vanity one might associate with Marie Antionette, rather than a shared virtue of true “animal lovers.”  This utter shallowness ultimately ends up determining which dogs live versus which dogs die.  We afford royal treatment to the lucky few that are chosen, while the far less fortunate are rounded up and euthanized by the millions.

Dogs have been in the news a lot lately.

The Westminster Kennel Club held its big show at Madison Square Garden recently.  Dogs have been “competing” in this annual event for more than 130 years.  I find it interesting that these dogs are never judged based on their intelligence, bravery, their loyalty, or any of the other natural attributes that make most dogs so lovable.  Instead, they’re judged purely upon their appearance.  That’s it.  It’s nothing but a beauty contest.  Only, the traits determining winners from losers aren’t just shiny coats and pretty eyes.  They’re the twisted, freakish anomalies that have been created by multiple generations of selective breeding.  The winner ends up being the best Frankenstein.

Over in Sochi, the site of the Winter Olympic Games, dogs have made some very different headlines.  Before the games started, local officials tried desperately to remove all the homeless dogs from the streets.  They figured images of stray dogs running all over the place would bother a lot of visitors and look really bad.  So, thousands of stray mutts were rounded up and put to death.  The terrible irony of this tragedy is that many of these dogs were initially brought to Sochi and were used to provide security during the eight-year-long construction phase.  However, once the buildings and arenas were completed, these dogs were turned loose and began interbreeding.  For some, there’s a happy ending to their story, since a small number of dogs are now getting rescued.  It seems that once the world’s press found out about the mass killing of dogs and visiting athletes began interacting with the friendly canines throughout the village, interest in adoptions soared.  Some Sochi dogs are going to be saved and will end up finding homes for the first time.

Here in Las Vegas, dogs were also in the news, not so much for what they did, but for what their cruel owner attempted to do to them.  A despicable woman tried to set her pet shop on fire in order to collect insurance money.  Nearly 30 small dogs, all trapped in cramped cages, would have been burned alive had the arsonist she hired not been so incompetent.  Fortunately, the woman was caught, charged with a crime, and will hopefully be spending many years locked away in prison.

Think of the role of innocent dogs in each of these three stories, which goes beyond anything they can control.  In the Westminster Kennel Club story, dogs were judged based solely on breeding and appearances.  Inexplicably, we value these purebred dogs the most.  In the Sochi story, dogs that initially served a useful purpose (security) became expendable and eventually came to be viewed as pests.  It took the world’s outrage to reverse local policy which had been rounding up and killing the strays.  Finally, in the Las Vegas story, dogs were just a few minutes away from certain death, which likely would have triggered an outpouring of sympathy for the woman had she gotten away with her crime.  Imagine the woman crying on the evening news about her pet shop going up in flames and all the dogs being killed.  In this case, dogs were pawns in a vicious crime that fortunately did not succeed.

I’d like to think our treatment of animals, including dogs, is constantly improving.  Perhaps conditions overall for our furry friends are better now given the harsh and inhumane way many of these creatures were treated centuries ago.  I’d like to believe we’re making progress and things are more humane.  Then again, anyone who is familiar with the process of modern food production might have a hard time buying this argument.  Purely on a scale of gross inhumanity and mass killing, it’s probably worse now than ever, and will only deteriorate given the world’s growing population and scarcity of resources.

That said, we like to think of dogs as the exception.  A symbol of man’s inherent kindness.  But are they really?  I do wonder if a society that values pure breeds far greater than mutts can really ever be considered humane.

Here’s an unusual thought:  What if we applied the same standards we use for dogs to ourselves?  What if we looked upon humans in the same way we perceive dogs?  What would that mean?

In this case, the United States of America would be the Heinz-57 of nations.  We’re the world’s largest dog pound of different colors and ethnicities.  We’re half this, and a quarter that.  Some of us don’t even know what we are.  Judged as dog life, most of us Americans would be out wandering the streets in places like Sochi — homeless, starving, unloved, and unwanted.  We’re mutts.

By contrast, which nation on earth would win all the awards at a “People’s Version” of the Westminster Kennel Club?  Which nation has the most homogenous population on earth due to virtually no infusion of foreign influence?  What country has the purest gene pool?  Chew on this bone if you can digest it — the People’s Republic of North Korea.  There’s your blue ribbon winner if we judged humans as dogs.

So, something’s very wrong here.  Either we’ve got to start looking at dogs differently, or think of ourselves in different ways.

Probably both.

READ: My Cat is Smarter than Your Baby

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