The New Smart Watch is a Rotten Apple

I’ve got nothing against trying new technology.  After all, I own a laptop that works.  Sometimes.  I’ve used Windows Vista for years now and once spent $350 for Microsoft Office.  I even maintain an active AOL e-mail account, for the bargain price of just $24.95 per month.  Trying finding a great deal like that on your own — bet you can’t.

A few years ago, I signed up on Twitter and then launched my very own Facebook page.  My blind leap into the murky jungle of social media has somehow led to multiple deeply personal and bitter political arguments every week and a half dozen marriage proposals from The Philippines.  It’s also exposed me to 27,692 cute cat videos, all of which I’ve watched and about half of which have been shared with my dwindling circle of “friends.”  I guess you could say, I’m pretty tech-savvy.

Like everyone else in the uncivilized world, I’ve become totally dependent upon my cell phone for all the latest news and information about the Kardashians and Bruce Jenner’s sex-change operation.  Over the years, I’ve listened to an iPod, bought an iPad, and done two different versions of the iPhone. Whenever my calls drop, I even become iRate.

But I have to draw the line somewhere and my last battalion of defense – if not my manhood — is most certainly my wrist.  How else would someone ward off an attacker?  I look at my wrist the same way Russia has always looked at Poland.  That’s a buffer zone just in case some serious shit happens.

No, my wrist is not for sale nor will it ever be used to tack on some trendy manifestation of artificial intelligence onto my body.  I refuse to become Mr. Spock unless someone is sick enough to offer me the movie part in the remake and offer me lots of money.  Then, feel free to tramp stamp me worse than Mike Tyson.

All of which brings up the new product soon to be released by Apple, which has to be one of the ugliest and most ridiculous gadgets ever invented since the Segway, and everybody fucking hates Segways, that is, except for mall cops.  And comedians.

This Thursday, the dreadful new Apple Watch comes out, which might as well be dubbed the iWatch, except some lawyers, won’t let that happen, I hear.  Anyway, this techno pet rock is going to sell insanely well over in Asia because, you know, none of those people have real lives or imaginations and they’ll buy any new shit they can get their hands on.  But the fad of wrist-bobbing for new apps will just as quickly crash and burn here in America because we pretty much already like our smartphones and are addicted to iPads.  We tolerated the weirdness of wearing Bluetooth for a while, that is until we finally realized that everybody wearing one of those ear devices is a royal jack-off, and the rest of us didn’t want to be like that.

It’s also about the money or lack of it on our part.  We resent being shaken down, yet again and again and again and again, for another $600 for what amounts to a computer screen the size of a quarter.  Just like the way we listened to music was a bait and switched on us several times over the years — first with records, then 8-track tapes, then cassettes, then CDs, and now downloadable music — make up your minds, will ya?  We’re getting tired of craning our necks and digging deep into our pockets and going into even deeper debt on our maxed-out credit cards every time someone in a turtleneck at Apple stands on a stage in front of a crowd of sycophants and blows a dog whistle.

No thanks.  Excuse me while I skip the latest high-tech party.

Still, want my review?  Okay then, here it is…

The Apple Watch:  Idiotic.  Self-indulgent.  Senseless.

Next, Apple is probably going to tell me using my iPhone 4 no longer makes me worthy of being a member of the human race.  I’ll be roused and then pressured to go out and buy something much newer and far more expensive.  Well, I won’t do it.  If AOL is still good enough as my mail service, then this smartphone that cost me $500 two years ago should be sufficiently powerful enough to keep up with all the latest news on the Kardashians.