Oh Look, I Have a Chance to Claim My Trump Legacy Membership!
Within the wild and wacky alternate bubble galaxy that is Planet Trump, he’s raising money for–holy shit, you’re not going to believe this–his legacy.
Once a grifter, always a grifter.
Donald Trump lost the election more than five months ago. He got wiped out by nearly 8,000,000 votes. Humiliated by the merciful conclusion of his first and only term, he departed office in disgrace as the only American president ever to lose the popular vote twice and be impeached twice. He isn’t just stained. He’s as toxic as nuclear waste. In the minds of a majority of Americans, Trump is a traitor and a criminal.
Nonetheless, within the alternate bubble galaxy that is Planet Trump, he’s raising money for–take a deep breath and hold your hats here, folks, because you are not going to believe this–his legacy.
Permit me to let the cackles subside before continuing.
And now, here’s where things really, really, really get batbumblefuck crazy. Believe it or not, I get to be a part of the effort to be a part of the Trump legacy. Yeah, me.
Each and every day, I’m pitched with perks and squeezed with scare tactics to donate to Trump. In fact, since Nov. 5th, more than 200 messages have flooded into my email box, all begging for money. Money for what exactly, umm, I don’t know. I didn’t have time to read most of the pitches. Money to pay his massive legal bills? To settle his personal debts and bank loans? To pay hush money to porn stars? To give Donnie Jr. electric shock therapy? To preserve his legacy? Who knows?
Here’s the latest email solicitation I received yesterday from Trump:
A few comments about this latest fundraising heist.
I’m offended to be addressed as “Fuck.” The Trump grifters should have exhibited more respect by addressing me as “Mr. You.” Since I registered as a donor under the name “FUCK YOU,” I wish they’d the common courtesy to issue a salutation with the last name. Using my first name, “FUCK,” just strikes me as being way too presumptuously familiar.
As to how exactly giving money will “defend President Trump’s America first policies ” isn’t exactly clear.
Obviously, they’re sending out these blasts for a reason — because they work. Deplorable dopes and dimwits DO send money. And Trump will keep shaking that ripe money tree until every last leaf gets grifted.
That, my friends, is Trump’s real legacy.
Over and out.
Lucky me, it’s not too late! My invite time has been extended! I got this email tonight!
Oh, joy me!