Look at this hideous piece of shit. Not me. I mean, look at the painting.
After leaving a bar in downtown Fort Lauderdale last night at around 2 am, I stumbled by an art gallery with my poker pals Jason Neuman, Charlie Ciresi, and Kurt Dau. That’s when we spotted this horrendous painting hanging near the front door.
You deceptive lying-ass shits!
I just opened up my Visa bill this month and caught you motherfuckers red-handed again. Cold blooded thieves! That’s what you are! And for this, you are going to pay. Dearly! Just wait til you hear what I have in mind next time I pay you a visit. Already, I’ve got my revenge planned.
You, the villainous Hilton Corporation, with thousands of money-sucking hotels worldwide, enabler of the planet’s most obnoxious golden-haired waif, jerked me off on this month’s bill for an extra $500. That’s right — fiiiiiive huuuuundred dooooooollars. You thought I wouldn’t notice, didn’t you? Well, I did notice! Indeed, I might not have caught your “honest mistake,” except that $500 is basically a sports bet for me, and no one is going to break my balls and bash me in the ass for five bills unless it’s some shortstop in Cleveland I’ve never heard of making a throwing error to first base. Then, I can live with losing the $500 after spewing off a load of F-bombs.
Which brings up to today’s hot topic: If it’s really an “honest mistake,” why do we always seem to get charged TOO MUCH? Why never TOO LITTLE? Shouldn’t the mistakes balance out?
I’m loaded with evil conspiracy theories, and my latest is that Hilton consciously does this all the time. My reasoning: I’ve gotten hotel bill gang-banged three times over the last 18 months for extra charges I didn’t make when staying at Hilton properties. Just a coincidence, you ask? Am I the most unlucky customer in the world? How come Hilton never forgets to charge me for the extra $9 can of Pringles out of the room fridge? Huh? Answer me that.
Question: What does a six-year-old girl making an obscene hand gesture have to do with an obnoxious sports fan getting thrown out of a ballpark in Philadelphia? To find out, read on….
Just when I thought that perhaps, just maybe, I was being a bit too harsh in my brutal assessment of Philadelphia as the festering hemorrhoid on a rabid pit bull, earlier this week, an otherwise lovely flower of innocence plopped down in the rear seat of a family sedan, donning golden locks and pig tails, pressed her freckled nose upon the smeared window glass and proceeded to shoot me the dreaded middle finger.
My infraction? Walking on the littered sidewalk at the precise spot where her beaut of a Mommy was apparently trying to make an illegal U-turn.
Okay, I get the message. Loud and clear. When it comes to civility, they sure teach ’em young in Philly, don’t they?
Most people have at least heard of Waterford Crystal. It’s the best crystal in the world and the ultimate symbol of both excellence and craftsmanship.
Excuse me while I Americanize my remarks here, but remember that glittery piece of glass held up by the college football national champion every year? That’s Waterford Crystal. Recall the Peoples’ Choice Awards? That’s Waterford Crystal. Visualize the winner of the Santa Anita Derby hoisting a trophy? That’s Waterford Crystal.
That doesn’t even begin to note all the awards and sporting competitions in Europe and the rest of the world which include a special-made prize crafted at the original factory of the Waterford name, located in (where else?) — Waterford, Ireland.
Today’s highlight included a visit to the Cliffs of Moher, located along Ireland’s western coast, facing the Atlantic Ocean. If you were to scale the cliffs, dive into the ocean, and then begin swimming due southwest, well — the fall would most certainly kill you. But if you’re Superman and the fall didn’t instantly turn your torso into a life raft, then Atlantic City would be 3,200 miles across the water.
The Cliffs of Moher are one of Ireland’s most visited attractions, and it’s easy to see why. There are two ways to see the towering rocky ridge — either by sea or from high above overlooking the sea. We opted for the sea journey.
A ferry ride took us out, which lasted about 90 minutes. The total cost was 20 euros per person. I’d say the trip was well worth it.
Here are a few snapshots from the ocean, looking upward towards the cliffs.