Any religion that forbids enjoying life is a straight jacket. I mean — what kind of routine requires that you pray five times a day? Why doesn’t someone in that faith jump up and say,“how come we’re praying more than anyone else on earth, and we’re still the poorest motherfuckers on the planet?”
Defeating the scourge of Islamic terrorism will take some creative thinking.
What we’ve been doing so far, isn’t working.
So, let’s all quit pretending we’ve got the tiger by the tail, because we don’t. Drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’ve got what I believe is the perfect solution.
Open up a shitload of bars and nightclubs inside every Muslim country. Carpet bomb them with liquor. Do it. Forget about dropping humanitarian leaflets and care packages and trying to reason with fanatics. Instead, ship in bar stools, announce it’s happy hour, and let the free-pouring begin. Then, crank up the music and make it loud.
Take a look at the faces of the terrorists. Who are they? They’re almost always young men in their late teens or early 20’s. Given our biology and genetics, what do most young me in their late teens and early 20’s want?
Answer: Beer and ass (not necessarily in that order).
Imagine what it must be like living inside a hard-core Muslim society. It’s brutal. They’re basically living inside giant prison camps. You’d go mad. Every sphere of daily life is suffocated by religion. Since drinking alcohol is strictly forbidden by the Koran, most of these countries don’t have a single bar or nightclub where people can go and hang out. Look at the nations which engage in terrorism, and you won’t find any bars.
That’s the problem.
So, what do these young people do instead? They sit around in frustration and feel sorry for themselves. They look around at the rest of the world and observe other young people having a blast. Drinking. Dancing. Partying. Fucking. And some of these Muslim fundamentalists decide, “Well fuck that! If we can’t have it, they can’t either. So, let’s go blow their shit up!”
Pretty much sums up the situation, doesn’t it?
Think deeper. The problem is far more serious than just the lack of booze. Contemplate a society where young men can’t mix and mingle with young women, without supervision. A culture where the simple act of a man talking to a woman openly on the street might lead to arrest. Really, think about what a psychological cluster fuck that creates for a populace. You really want to know why some of these radicals go bat shit crazy and decide to blow themselves up? It’s because they aren’t getting any beer or ass.
Go ahead, think about that. I’m right.
Look at the Muslim societies which produce the most terrorists. Where are they? Saudi Arabia. Yemen. Syria. Libya. The U.A.E. Always the strictest societies. Places where God’s crazy capos walk around with billy clubs and act as the morality police. Places where there are no bars and the women don’t show any flesh. Countries where women are forced to cover their faces. Places where there’s no pornography. Where adultery can get the offender the death penalty. Do the simple math: No beer + no ass = terrorism.
No, this isn’t just a Muslim thing. Not at all, Contrast this with the Republic of Turkey, a modern secular democracy that’s 99 percent Muslim. They have more bars than mosques in that country. More bartenders than imams. Nightclubs that rival what you would see in London or New York. Check out Turkish newspapers — nude women plastered all over the pages. In Turkey, they even have nude beaches. Notice anything unusual about Turkey when contrasted with its neighbors? No terrorists. Except for the Kurds of course — but they don’t count since they’re fighting a separatist movement. Besides, the Kurds aren’t getting any beer and ass either, so that pretty much makes my point.
So, we see that banning booze and shackling the shorts seriously mind fucks with people’s heads. Even the terrorists responsible for the 9-11 attacks were so messed up psychologically by the time they finally made it to America that they tipped off what for them was the essential frustration of their lives. What did they all do the nights leading up to committing suicide attacks and killing thousands?
That’s right. They went to strip clubs and hired hookers. In other words, they went all out for the beer and ass.
Look at this miserable fuck.
You think if this poor guy drank a couple of Budweisers every night after work and got some fresh ass on the weekends he’d mastermind blowing our shit up? Sigmund Freud could have a field day with this guy’s mental charts. He’s a fruitcake factory, all because he didn’t grow up like the rest of us. He didn’t get smashed every now and then while in high school, or spend most of his youth hunting for shaggable tail.
Too bad he missed out. He might been the life of the party. Come to think of it, he does look a little bit like Ron Jeremy.
So I’m thinking the solution to the world’s terrorism problem goes something like this:
(1) First, get them to ditch that bullshit religion of theirs. Any religion that forbids enjoying life is a straight jacket. I mean, what kind of routine requires that you pray five times a day? Why doesn’t someone jump up and say, “how come we’re praying more than anyone else on earth, and we’re still the poorest motherfuckers on the planet?” Wake up, people!
(2) Lend them a shitload of IMF money with only one stipulation. The loan must be used to build bars and nightclubs. Not dams and roads and bridges. Fuck that. Bars. Clubs. Places where people can hang out and have fun.
(3) Bombard them with Lady Gaga music or whatever else they might listen to that makes everyone take their clothes off and start fornicating. Once they start the national bang fest, they won’t give a flying rats ass how to detonate a C-12 plastic explosive. They’ll all be too busy screwing each others brains out to join ISIS.
(4) Forget those failed advertising campaigns trying to sell “freedom” and “democracy” to the people. Not working. Instead, hammer them over the head with silly commercials and billboards of different kinds of beer, showing an oasis of ice cold brew in the hot desert. Freedom doesn’t sell. Fun sells. Sin sells.
Here’s a final thought. Let’s look at history. Look at what worked in the past.
The Cold War wasn’t won with guns and bombs. It was won with rock n’ roll and blue jeans.
The West never fired a single shot over the Berlin Wall. We never had to. We let the natural advantages and attributes of our society overwhelm our adversaries, until the time when they became just like us — wanting the exact same things. Ronald Reagan and John F. Kennedy weren’t the heroes. The Beatles and Levi Strauss were. When everything came crashing down, the Soviets and Eastern Europeans weren’t quoting politicians. They were singing to the music of Pink Floyd.
There’s a lesson to be learned here. A generation ago it was popular music and cool clothes. Now, it’s cold beer and ass.
That’s the solution to the global terrorism problem.
To borrow a line from Hendrix Marley O’Unzo, “happy people don’t want to die.”