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Posted by on May 11, 2015 in Blog, Rants and Raves, Restaurant Reviews | 1 comment

How to Use Blockers and Buffers When Dining Out With Bores and Braggarts

 

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Even been out on one of those dinners from hell, a gathering you’re absolutely obligated to attend, that would otherwise be perfect in every way — except that there’s one prickly guest at your table who blathers on forever and basically ruins the meal for everyone?

Well, I’m here to help.  Today, I’ll be sharing one of my best-kept trade secrets.  The advice I’m about to give should be packaged and sold, in which case I’d probably make a fortune.  But you’re lucky, because it’s free.  Sometimes I can be so generous.

For the first time ever, I shall introduce the most effective method by which to counter the unwelcome company of our most dreaded dinner companions — including obnoxious in-laws, jerk-off co-workers, your former ex, boring strangers, and about half the world’s poker players.  The topic of discussion will be how to effectively use blockers and buffers to enhance one’s restaurant experience.

If you haven’t heard of “blockers” or “buffers” before, don’t worry, neither have I.  Hell, I’m making this stuff up as I go along.

When deployed for maximum effect, blockers and buffers are powerful tools which can rescue a night out and ensure a pleasurable meal for everyone, even in the cramped company of bores and braggarts.  Put into action, blockers and buffers effectively neutralize the pungency of irritating dinner guests in the same way amino acids attack bad cholesterol once that greasy cheeseburger enters the body.

Before listing my recommendations, first let’s examine this widespread problem more closely.  Take the following test:

— Ever been to dinner and gotten seated next to the ass joker who won’t shut up?

— Ever dined out with the blowhard who talks only about himself and his accomplishments during the entire evening?

— Ever attended one of those dreaded dinners which included never-ending conversation about trivial subjects which you had no interest in whatsoever?

— Ever been seated next to a hijacker, who constantly interrupts others and commandeers the table discussion?

If you’re normal, the correct answers are — yes, yes, yes, and yes.

What follows are the most effective countermeasures to stop these creeps:

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Posted by on May 8, 2015 in Blog, Essays, Politics, Rants and Raves, What's Left | 2 comments

America’s Age Restrictions and Consent Laws are Insane

 

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Right now, it’s perfectly legal in 30 states for a child as young as 12 to own a rifle or a shotgun.  In some states, there are no age requirements, which means an infant can legally hold a baby rattler in one hand and a loaded 12-gauge shotgun in the other and there’s not a damned thing that either you or law enforcement can do about it.  It’s also legal for Americans of all ages to fire deadly weapons — including handguns, shotguns, and assault rifles — at public ranges and other prescribed venues for gun enthusiasts.  Imagine your paper boy peddling his mountain bike with a private stash of Bushmasters a few hundred rounds of live ammo sitting at home inside a closet right next to a broken X-Box.  Oh, and about 10,000 children either die or are injured by guns every year in America.  [SEE FOOTNOTE 1]

Yet by law, in most states you must be at least 21-years-old by to play a hand of poker, or purchase a beer.

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Posted by on May 7, 2015 in Blog, Essays, Rants and Raves, Uncategorized | 0 comments

Desolation Angels: The Empty Churches of Ireland

 

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Are we finally splintering off from the evil epoch of organized religion’s incontrovertible power over vast populations, on the verge of entering of a new age of reason?

This certainly appears to be the case in many the world’s most advanced cultures and countries, and no where is this metaphysical revolution more blatantly obvious at the moment than what’s happening within the Republic of Ireland (and Northern Ireland, too — although the casualty here is Protestantism).

Once one of the most fiercely loyal Catholic societies on the planet, Ireland is now changing before our eyes, certainly by the day, and almost by the minute with every new birth certificate being inked.  Each new birth currently means it’s more likely that child will not be part of what used to be called the traditional religious order.  So severe has been the decline of conventional practices of faith and the collective national trust in organized religion within Ireland, that a whopping 25 percent of all former practicing Catholics (from just a generation ago) have since abandoned the church.  Two things — (1) rampant indifference to organized religion and (2) secular humanism — have stepped in and filled the void.  READ MORE HERE [SOURCE: THE GUARDIAN]

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Posted by on May 1, 2015 in Blog, Personal, Rants and Raves, Travel | 1 comment

Only in Philadelphia (The Story the 6-Year-Old Girl Who Shot Me the Middle Finger)

 

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Question:  What does a six-year-old girl making an obscene hand gesture have to do with an obnoxious sports fan getting thrown out of a ballpark in Philadelphia?  To find out, read on….

 

Just when I thought that perhaps, just maybe, I was being a bit too harsh in my brutal assessment of Philadelphia as the festering hemorrhoid on a rabid pit bull, earlier this week, an otherwise lovely flower of innocence plopped down in the rear seat of a family sedan, donning golden locks and pig tails, pressed her freckled nose upon the smeared window glass and proceeded to shoot me the dreaded middle finger.

My infraction?  Walking on the littered sidewalk at the precise spot where her beaut of a Mommy was apparently trying to make an illegal U-turn.

Fuck you!!!

Okay, I get the message.  Loud and clear.  When it comes to civility, they sure teach ’em young in Philly, don’t they?

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Posted by on Apr 20, 2015 in Blog, Rants and Raves, Uncategorized | 1 comment

The New Smart Watch is a Rotten Apple

 

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I’ve got nothing against trying out new technology.

After all, I own a laptop that works.  I’ve used Windows Vista for years now and once spent $350 for Microsoft Office.  I even maintain an active AOL e-mail account, for the bargain price of just $24.95 per month.  Trying finding a great deal like that on your own — bet you can’t.

A few years ago, I signed up at Twitter and then launched my very own Facebook page.  My blind leap into the murky jungle of social media has somehow led to multiple deeply personal and bitter political arguments every week and a half dozen marriage proposals from The Philippines.  It’s also exposed me to 27,692 cute cat videos, all of which I’ve watched and about half of which have been shared with my dwindling circle of “friends.”  I guess you could say, I’m pretty tech savvy.

Like everyone else in the uncivilized world, I’ve become totally dependent upon my cell phone for all the latest news and information about the Kardashians and Bruce Jenner’s sex-change operation.  Over the years, I’ve listened to an iPod, bought and iPad, and done two different versions of the iPhone. Whenever my calls drop, I even become iRate.

But I have to draw the line somewhere and my last battalion of defense – if not my manhood — is most certainly my wrist.  How else would someone ward off an attacker?  I look at my wrist the same way Russia has always looked at Poland.  That’s a buffer zone just in case some serious shit happens.

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