Some fucking maniac cut me off in traffic today and dammit, I didn’t have a chance to get even.
Not yet, anyway.
So, here’s what I’m going to do.
Here and now, I’m offering a $100 cash reward for anyone who can flip the bird and/or humiliate a local Las Vegas driver. The culprit can be best identified as follows:
Upside down and inside out
Covering poker, I’ve made a few mistakes over the years.
Just a few.
Okay, more like quite a few.
I’ve spelled gold bracelet champions’ names wrong. I’ve butchered their names in award ceremonies (you try pronouncing Athanasios Polychronopoulos‘ without notes in front of 2,000 people). I’ve insulted players without intention. I’ve listed people were much older than they actually were. I’ve thrown chip leaders off the stage during breaks and threatened to have them arrested. One time, I even sent out a photo of my pet cat to the global gaming press, instead of the real champion’s picture (the jpeg file was marked “Alex,” coincidentally both the name of my cat and the event winner). I even made a horrific typo once, using what’s sometimes referred to as the “N-Word.” The word “bigger” has an ugly cousin on the lower row of the keyboard, if you look at the layout of letters.
READ MORE HERE: MY MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS
Gather around, my children.
Today’s lesson underscores the fine art of executing a proper obscene gesture.
Here and now, you shall learn the most advanced techniques of shooting the middle finger. There will even be a bonus course on the virtuosity of “double-barreling.”
Obscene hand gestures are a basic necessity of modern life, especially while driving. The most common obscene hand gesture is called “flipping the bird” or “shooting the middle finger.” This is to be used indiscriminately as a reactionary tool in demonstrating one’s extreme displeasure, while humiliating the intended target to the greatest extent possible. However, this rule does not apply to Philadelphia, where shooting the middle finger is more common than waving.
“Double-barreling” is to be utilized when the single-finger blast is deemed inadequate, when additional fury is warranted. Note that one must use extreme caution if double-barreling while driving. The deployment of both hands fired simultaneously at an intended target could potentially put automobile passengers in grave danger. Accordingly, this excessive measure must be used only in extreme cases, such as when someone from the offending vehicle has already shot you the single finger, in which case a double dose of degradation becomes not only justified, but absolutely mandatory.
Pay attention, people. Otherwise, you’ll be left out. You won’t get invited to dinner.
Over the next few months, I shall frequently be dining in mixed company.
What’s “mixed company,” you ask?
This means company which varies widely, from A-Listers (the most ideal dinner companions) down to lowly D-Listers (who should both be muzzled and minimized). Note that certain classes of people are banned outright. The banned class shalt not enjoy the luxury of joining me under any circumstances.
To ensure harmony and fluidity throughout the dining room as well as inspirit a congenial atmosphere at my dinner table, the following seating arrangements shall strictly be enforced. You are hereby advised as follows:
Why do I chose to drink mineral water all the time?
Rather than ask why I drink mineral water mostly, the rightful question is — why do so many people willingly consume the legal poison known as soft drinks?
Even more appalling — why do so many parents pump their kids full of all so much syrupy garbage? Someone please explain this bizarre atrocity to me, because I sure can’t figure it out. It’s perfectly clear how dangerous soft drinks are to one’s health, especially when they’re the primary consumable of most people’s diets.