Taking Out My Twitter Trash
I like purges.
Sometimes, it’s necessary to clean out the closets and take out the trash. So, get out the garbage bags.
Last night, I posted several live updates on Twitter. I don’t do this but once a year perhaps, if that, and only when there’s a major event happening that might be fun to cover. Most of my comments last night were about the Republican Presidential Debate happening on CNN, which took place as I was tweeting out my commentary, flinging occasional barbs, and even cracking a few jokes at the candidates’ expense. Even people who don’t agree with my leftist politics are probably aware that I’m quite amiable. I love debates and discussions. And, I never take things personally, nor let politics affect my friendships. I’ve got witnesses to back me up on this. I mean, those I didn’t purge already.
As I was watching and typing, within a few hours of Wolf Blitzering the fuck out of my Twitter account, I somehow lost 19 Twitter followers. Nineteen! Put into perspective, that’s more victims than got Mickey Finned by Bill Cosby. That’s more horrified followers than abandon my sinking ship when I do tutorials on atheism or socialism or give out my weekly NFL football picks. I guess some people are either way too sensitive, or just enjoy living in the dark. Dammit, I never should have listened to Matt Savage and got on Twitter in the first place. See what it’s doing to me?
Well, I have a few very carefully-chosen words for those living in darkness who dropped me off of Twitter last night — assuming they’re still reading me, or might be a little curious and pop in accidentally on my “morning after” party. Here’s my message, perfectly loud and clear:
Good riddance! Get lost! And don’t come back!
That’s right. I do not want, nor do I respect noodle-necked, apolitical ass-baggers. Not here. Not in my web house. Surely, there are plenty of far more predictable bores to follow on Twitter who post dreck like their chip counts after the first tournament break (get a life!), or post photos of a greasy chicken salad they ordered at P.F. Changs (grow some fucking taste buds!). I no longer have any desire to welcome intellectual deadbeats and brainless lightweights here to my site. From now on, this page is reserved only for smart, funny, talented, amazing people! Like all of you!
All others — go away! Scram!
Hey, I don’t want to sound bitter or anything, but you fucks who deserted me like a dying dog left out in the desert panting for attention no longer qualify for visitation rights! You are hereby 86’ed from my world! YOU NO LONGER EXIST!
Fuckers!
Fact is, I should have a million Twitter followers, right now. Millions! Yet, I’m sitting here struggling to hang on to what I got, while some ass joker who luck boxed his way to some poker tournament victory at a casino in Indiana somewhere with nothing clever to say just increased his social profile tenfold. What the fuck? I should be as popular with readers as a Donald Trump pinata hung up at a Mexican birthday party.
Let the purge continue! Bring it on. Grab an aluminum baseball bat and start swinging like Joe Pesci’s skull is a grape.
If you’re not committed 100 percent and don’t come in here with an open mind, then please do me and yourselves a favor. Hit the bricks and take a walk, and don’t let the door slam you in the ass because my front door is expensive and I’m still paying off the Home Depot credit card. Some jack-jigging bastards out there are abandoning me like I’m Rick Perry asking for a campaign donation. And putting me on total tilt, besides.
Let this be my line in the quicksand. From time to time, from now on — infidels will be purged from the movement. Closets will be cleaned. Trash will be tossed and discarded. Rubbish be burned.
If you fall into any of the following categories, I want your ass….out! Gone! Leave! Now!
- Donald Trump supporters
- “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” viewers
- Rappers
- Anyone who owns a Confederate flag (unless it’s part of a Halloween costume)
- Duke basketball fans
- Birthers
- Morons who think Obama is a Muslim
- Hummer drivers
- Anyone who has ever ordered “bottle service” from a nightclub (unless I was invited)
- Poker players who play at The Venetian.
All of you — each one of you — are hereby banned for life!
That said and done, purges will now be done regularly, and without advance notice. Like drug testing. Now, let’s get back to our regular business, shall we….
Hello? It sure did get quiet all the sudden.
Is anyone still with me? Hello? Where the fuck did everybody run off to?
Keep on keepin on
I stand and deliver frequently on the Book of Face. Same result. People get all butt hurt and leave. A good dose of non political correctness just doesn’t go down very well. Keep it up Nolan I love what you write, it irritates the shit out of me, you delusional bastard.
And to think I missed your tweets having not known you’re a tweeter.
Well that shits about to change bucko.
Still here and wouldn’t miss a minute of it!
I fall into zero of your ten categories Nolan. So ya know, keep me around for a while.
Nolan Replies: You’re grandfathered in anyway, Scottro. Like the stubborn homeowner who won’t sell his property, while a new development is build around him. You’re an eyesore, but we have to live with you. 🙂
— ND
Sometimes it is just an unfollow because they don’t want their twitter timeline clogged with something they don’t care about. I adore Matt Taibbi, but I unfollowed him for last nights debate because his tweets during the debate are too numerous and are of no interest to me. I followed him again this am.
Nolan Replies: Fair enough. But some of these fuckers follow 800 people, and most of them are boring as shit. Wouldn’t 20 posts by me be far more riveting than riffling the the drudge of dozens of chip counts at some bullshit tournament at the first break or post pet photos (well, maybe a few are pretty cute)? Those are the dreck I’d unfollow.
— ND
I am still concerned that Jeb smoked Pot. Do you think he inhaled?
Oh crap Hit a couple of those 10 items but fuck you I’m staying.
Regarding your latest Twitter rant and this in particular – Poker players who play at The Venetian.
I am going to seriously miss you. Should I see your two box seats for Book of Mormon at Smith in a few weeks?
Seriously, I agree with all of the other comments but am not helping Sheldon at all by playing the V and would be hurting many poker friends/employees by not playing there. If he closes the cardroom because poker players are too whiny, who gets hurt? Not Shelly…
Again, my friend, agree to disagree?
Theater will be fun unless I’m on the banned list!
Jan