XXX-Rated Curiosity — Who Writes the Smut?

 

 

It was an accident.

I swear.  An accident.

While sitting in my hotel room alone late at night with the remote control in hand, I must have punched the wrong number.

It can happen to anyone, right?

Instead of watching “Nazi UFO Conspiracy” a riveting one-hour documentary that I’d been anxiously staying up for most of the night, which was on channel “282,” I mistakenly pressed “582.”

I found it odd that The History Channel would be running a show titled, “She Can Take 13 Inches.”  For some odd reason, I don’t think this show was about a ruler.

I must admit, the graphics were jaw-dropping.  Oops.  Maybe that’s a bad visual.  Never mind.

I mean seriously, who writes this stuff?  Did someone actually go to college, work their way through school, earn a degree in English literature, and then end up in a career writing plot descriptions for porn movies?  What a career track.

Curiosity piqued, I really want to know — does the writer for Direct TV actually watch all these porno movies first, and then craft his clever narratives?  I would think in this case, the writer could wing the narrative, just a little.  How about a one-size-fits-all movie description, a sort of Huggie blanket for porn aficionados — “People fucking.”  That would pretty much cover all the bases, wouldn’t it?

Here, check out these literary masterpieces I snapped with my smartphone:

 

 

 

 

Imagine doing that job for a living.

After work conversation —

HUSBAND:  “Hi honey, I’m home!”

WIFE:  “Oh darling, how was your day at the office?  Tell me all about it.”

HUSBAND:  “Just a typical day, sweetheart.  Nothing special.  Watched 170 porno movies.  They also asked me to work a little overtime for the Cartoon Channel.  Harry is out sick all this week.  So, I’m covering for him on all his Top Cat shows.  I’ll get on that first thing in the morning after I tag the new Asian gangbang series.  So, what’s for dinner?”

This brings me to another question.

What happens during career day at the kid’s school?  You know, the special day when the kids proudly tell the other kids about all the cool jobs mommy and daddy do.  What does little junior say when it’s his turn to make the class presentation?

“My dad is really famous.  He’s a television writer.  He says he’s most proud of his work on “Super Suckfest 14.”

I have no idea how many porn movies play regularly on Direct TV.  Since there are about a dozen channels dedicated to this stuff, and they run 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, that’s a shitload of porn.  And that’s a ballbusting number of plot lines to write, trying somehow to make each and every movie seem original.  I mean, there are only so many ways in the English language one can employ to describe “the act.”  After using the limited lexicon of lingo hundreds if not thousands of times, coming up with something fresh on the next assignment must be about as challenging as crafting new political speeches for Mitt Romney.

The monotony.  The mind-numbing monotony of it all.

 

 

 

 

I once met a television cameraman.  He now works on major sporting events, including NFL games and the Olympics.  He once admitted to me that early in his career, he spent some time shooting porno movies in the San Fernando Valley, the epicenter of the porn industry.  This kind of thing isn’t spoken about openly, since just about anyone who used to work in the porno industry gets branded as undesirable and has almost no chance of breaking into mainstream movies or television.

But he was quite candid and honest about his experiences and what he observed.

The cameraman revealed that shooting porno movies day after day after day was the most boring job he’s ever done.  He likened it to working in a tollbooth, only with a movie camera on his shoulder.

If he’s to be believed —  I suppose then, the only thing duller than writing about pornography must be filming it.

Which now brings me to my final question:  What will porn titles look like in 50 years?

Think about it.

If you were to add up all the various combinations of words and phrases that could be used in a porno title, what would that number be?  5,000?  10,000?  50,000?  100,000?

Well eventually, we’re going to max out on every possible word combination and hit that number, and then we’re in for a real national crisis.  Year after year, as each and every filthy word and dirty phrase is slowly devoured, the writers of porn titles and smut movie plots are going to have one hell of a time coming up with original material.  Call it an impossible task.

So, what’s the toughest job in the world going to be in the year 2062?  Easy.  Writing porn plots for Direct TV.