Where Should I Watch Monday Night Football?
I dislike sports bars.
Loud obnoxious pricks. Bimbo waitresses. Bad service. Shitty food. Lousy drinks. Constant noise. Fanboy fantasy football jokers fist-pumping every time some tight end catches a 6-yard pass completion. It’s fucking torture.
The trouble is, my friends are currently looking for a place here in Las Vegas to watch Monday Night Football games every week. While I’d much rather stay in my personal “man cave” and spew profanities in the comfort of my own cocoon, I also recognize the fact that it’s good to get out in public every once in a while and enjoy the things that normal people like to do — whatever the hell that means.
First, let me give you some history. Then, my personal demands. Finally, I’ll be asking for recommendations about the best places to watch MNF here in Las Vegas. Yes, I really am serious. Like a pirate ship at sea, I’m in search of a new port.
HISTORY
I don’t like watching pro football games with people around. I don’t enjoy that scene at all. However, Monday Night Football is slightly different because it’s just one game. instead of the full slate of multiple games played on Sundays. I categorically refuse to watch the Sunday games in public because there’s way too much going on. But with just one game on television for MNF (actually, two games tonight), I can make my wagers and then watch my ticket cash with friends, so long as they do not jabber constantly or badger me for a loan.
Here in Las Vegas, we have a steady group of about a dozen people who come out and watch the game together, off and on. A typical Monday night might have six people. In the past ten years, two have died. A few others moved out of town. Some thought the group was way too serious and dropped out. Others just came and went. If I did not like these people, there’s no way I would put up with all this bullshit of driving across town for the sake of being out in public.
Ten years ago, we started getting together during Monday Night Football. Here’s the legacy of lounges and sportsbooks where we made our regular hangout:
— Mandalay Bay Sportsbook: This place worked for a couple of seasons. Giant screen, cocktail lounge provided good service, convenient location. Unfortunately, invaders caught on and crashed in all the good seats. By the time we arrive, most of the good furniture is taken. I don’t fancy arriving an hour early to lock up a seat, because — you know — I merit special treatment. So, we went elsewhere.
— Various Bars: We tried a few bars around town. Trouble is, we preferred having live wagering on site. So, the typical sports bars did not work for us.
— M Casino Lounge: This was my favorite place, but everyone else vetoed it because the drinks were too expensive. Comfortable sofas, never crowded, plenty of televisions, sound turned up, with no distractions. Unfortunately, some of our people don’t like paying $6 for a beer (which is odd when they have hundreds of dollars riding on the game).
— Gold Coast Lounge: The Gold Coast is the perfect location, one reason why we’ve been going here the last few years. The lounge area used to work perfectly for us — located right off the main casino floor. Now, it’s been turned into a TGIFriday’s, which to me is basically the McDonalds of sit-down dining.
— Gold Coast Showroom: This is the large ballroom that holds several hundred people. This was tolerable for a while. Now, it’s a fuckhouse. They have pointless contests where key chains and t-shirts are given away during every commercial. There’s some clown on a microphone who never shuts up. “So who likes the Packers tonight? (followed by half the room cheering)…okay, so who likes the Bears? (followed by the other half of the room cheering.” I just want to vomit. Plus, the screens are blurry because they use the old projection TVs from the 1980s. This place basically sucks, but it’s easy to get to and the beers are complimentary if you show you’ve made a few wagers. I can’t take another season of going to this place.
MY DEMANDS
Now, here are my demands:
(1) Good televisions with clear pictures — enough said.
(2) Comfortable chairs — I refuse to sit in a metal chair for three fucking hours.
(3) Dark — a good bar should be sufficiently dark enough where everyone inside looks somewhat attractive.
(4) Attentive service — I should never have to hunt for the cocktail waitress. Ever.
(5) As Few Pom Pom Wavers as Possible — I don’t like being surrounding by casual fans of teams. They annoy me. I prefer the company of serious gamblers who respect my needs and sympathize with my severe mood swings.
(6) Sound Turned Up — As much as I don’t care for the announcers on MNF, I want to hear the live broadcast. Any place that pumps music into the room is an automatic rejection. I’m there to watch a football game, not listen to Nirvana.
(7) Decent Food — This isn’t a must, but it’s a nice bonus. Bar food normally sucks. I won’t eat it. But my friends sometimes snack and I want to make sure they are comfortable. Besides, if they’re eating that usually means their mouths are full and they talk less.
(8) No announcements or contests — this is the sure sign of a bullshit fest, which attracts the lowest element, which is freeloaders.
(9) Reasonably-priced drinks — It doesn’t have to be a wine bar, but I prefer a spot where the typical drink is something other than Bud Light. While the price of drinks isn’t my main concern, some of the other people in our group are more economical, so we have to take this into account.
(10) Convenient Location — Boulder City is out. Pahrump is out. Just about anything in Henderson is out. The Strip is out (too crowded). That limits the location too far fewer places, but the idea is to be central enough where everyone can get there within 20 minutes or so.
RECOMMENDATIONS PLEASE
There you have it! That’s what I’m looking for in a sports bar, starting tonight. If anyone has a recommendation, please let me know. However, don’t tell anyone else. We want it to stay our secret.
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