The Washington Redskins Team Name Should Be Changed

A satirical piece I wrote on the NFL’s Washington Redskins team name controversy.

BISON FLINT, SD (Nov. 26) — Calls for the Washington Redskins to change their team name grew considerably more vocal this week, as several Native-American Indian tribes put aside centuries of bitter hostilities for the first time and bonded together, demanding that the National Football League franchise immediately replace the team’s controversial mascot.

Organized by the Black Cliff Indian Nation Chief “Donnie” Whitefeather, who works the graveyard shift as a pit boss at the Dry River Casino, several tribes issued what they call an “emergency resolution” hoping to get the team to change their name.

“We’re absolutely fed up with being associated with this team,” Whitefeather fumed.  “The Redskins are an absolute embarrassment to the heritage and tradition of our proud people.  I mean, did you see that fucking fiasco last Monday night?

Whitefeather alluded to a horrific performance by the dreadful last-place team, a humiliating 27-6 loss at home to the San Francisco 49ers.  In that game, the Redskins compiled just 147 total net offensive yards, their worst output in 12 years.

“I tried to watch the whole game on TV, but I couldn’t make it all the way to the end,” Whitefeather added.  “I had to shut it off in disgust in the fourth quarter because I couldn’t take the pain anymore.  You’d think those miserable shits could at least cover the six-point spread, especially given the 49er’s injury situation.  Hell, they even blew my parlay with the under by three touchdowns!”

The Redskins have called the Washington, D.C.-area home since being founded back in 1932.  For many years, American Indian tribes across the country relished the association of having a team named in their honor, especially one based in the nation’s capital.  Indeed, when the Redskins were a winning franchise, team memorabilia enjoyed its strongest sales in areas populated by citizens of American Indian descent.  But ever since bombastic boy owner Daniel Snyder took over the team in 1993, popularity has steadily declined everywhere as the Redskins have floundered at the bottom of the NFC East, disappointing anyone idiotic enough to root for the gutless team, from mayors to crack addicts (sometimes one and the same in D.C.).

Meanwhile, a similar movement is underway elsewhere to change the team name of yet another NFL franchise.  On Monday, residents of the nation’s second-most populous state took to the streets and rioted, insisting that the dismal performance of the 2-9 team bearing their name had brought “deep shame” to the 26 million residents of the Lone Star State.

Officials with the Houston Texans were unavailable for comment.