The Simple Demographics of Texas Universities

 

UNIVERSITIES IN TEXAS — PLEASE EDUCATE ME
IF YOU GREW UP IN TEXAS, THIS WILL INTEREST YOU

Most of you who know me know my background, and know that I have deep roots in Texas. I’ve confessed that I wasn’t smart enough to get into Rice, wasn’t rich enough to attend SMU, so instead as an undergraduate I went to state schools with much cheaper tuition, including UT-Arlington and UT-Austin.

Last night, I finished up watching the documentary on football flop partyboy Johnny Manziel. He was a Heisman Trophy winner at Texas A&M. When describing the prevailing culture at TAMU, the documentary noted that university is *the school* of “rural Texas.” Hmm. I’d never thought of this before. But, I’ve never been to College Station, nor visited the TAMU campus.

It should be noted that TAMU is UT’s main rival, but I just never thought much about the demographic of that school and how “different* it is from other schools in Texas. I was also ASTOUNDED that TAMU is so wealthy (they really do have fuck you money) and has money equal to all the top schools in the country, like Notre Dame, Harvard, Cal, etc.. As I said, I wasn’t smart enough to get into Rice, so there.

Since this revelation, I’ve been pondering the demographics of the biggest universities in Texas. I think I’m right about this. Tell me if you disagree:

— If you are from rural Texas, you go to TEXAS A&M.

— If you are a liberal from the big Texas cities-or from the Northeast-or overseas, you go to TEXAS.

— If you are super smart, you go to RICE (that is, if you can get accepted-smallest enrollment of any Div. I university in America)

— If you are rich and only care about money, you go to S.M.U. (I hate SMU).

— If you are a Christian (and Protestant), you go to BAYLOR.

— If you are rich and Christian and Protestant, you go to T.C.U. (note-but not from Dallas, no one from Dallas would ever go to TCU)

— If you are Catholic, you go to UNIVERSITY OF DALLAS (yes, that’s a Catholic school).

— If you are smart and Black, you go to HOUSTON (might sound racist, but it’s true).

— If you are from someplace where it never rains, you go to TEXAS TECH.

— If you know how to speak Spanish, you go to UTEP.

— If you are a good football player, you go to TAMU, UT, or TCU.

— If you are a great football player, you go to OKLAHOMA or L.S.U.

 

Tell me I’m wrong.