The Free Cremation Dinner
COME TO THE FREE CREMATION DINNER SEMINAR!
If you’re of a certain age and live in a desirable zip code, you probably receive unsolicited VIP invites in the mail. These companies apparently know more about my health and finances than I do because they always seem to temp me with an offer that does have extraordinary appeal.
Free dinner! At Flemings Steakhouse! All you have to do is call the number, sign up, show up, and then sit through a 90-minute power point presentation. I wasn’t particularly interested in discussing my cremation planning with a complete stranger, that is, not until I heard they’re free pouring the 2019 oak-aged Orin Swift Papillon from Napa which accompanies a miso-glazed Chilean Sea Bass. I was tempted to ask if being cremated twice entitled me to a double pouring. Fuck it, I’m dead anyway. Burn me twice. Toss in the upgrade to Caymus and a slice of cheesecake and we’ve got a deal.
When I was in my 30s and 40s, it was timeshares. Talk about the biggest heap of bullshit on the planet! It was scene straight out of Glengarry Glen Ross. I went to a timeshare presentation in Atlantic City once, because they offered me a free stay at the Ocean Club, with meals. I’m still on medication.
In my 50s, it was investment seminars. Show up at the fancy restaurant, and some capitalist-on-steroids-pseudo-Bernie-Madoff-swindler tries to fast talk you into managing your investment portfolio. When the guy asked me the amount of my retirement portfolio I told him that all depends on if the Buffalo Bills-Pittsburgh Steelers game goes over 44.5 points tonight.
In my 60s, now it’s funeral planning they try to pitch. Yeah, sure. Like I’m going to park 10 grand into your account to lock up a plot in a cemetery and a grave that nobody’s going to visit. Nah, I’m good. Just dump my corpse out on trash day.
Now, the offers are coming in from cremation services. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Look at that succulent beef tenderloin! Oh, and make mine medium rare. The steak I mean. Not me. You can do me well done.
If I find out this cremation invite pours Caymus, reserve that table for 2! And don’t forget the cheesecake!
