The Proper Way to Engage Me in Conversation

I’m busy.

I don’t have time for small talk.

When you approach me, get straight to the point and wrap it up within a reasonable amount of time.  Is that too much to ask?  

This goes for every form of communication — telephone conversations, e-mails, texts, and most certainly our face-to-face exchanges.  I can choose to ignore your phone chatter and texts if they start to bore me.  But direct conversation carries with it a unique obligation to be pertinent and precise.  So, do as I say!

What follows is a handy checklist on the ways and means to properly engage me in meaningful conversation.  By following these simple rules and guidelines you will significantly improve your chances that I will both listen to what you have to say, and perhaps even care.  There’s no guarantee of this, of course.  You better shine like the hope diamond.  And you’ve got about ten seconds to do it, otherwise, my busy mind leaves the station.  So, come loaded with your best comments and questions, and be prepared to fire them at me when I’m ready.

Here it goes:

• DON’T INTERRUPT! — Many people compete for my time and attention.  So, if I’m giving it to someone else, do not approach me and interrupt someone else’s moment of glory.  I may be making a valuable point and your rude interference could be utterly heartbreaking to someone hanging on my every word.  You wouldn’t want your time with me to be hijacked.  So, extend the same courtesy to others.

• IDENTIFY YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY — First of all, tell me who you are.  Don’t presume that I know already.  Chances are, I don’t.  I see and meet a lot of people and there’s a damn good chance you didn’t make much of an impression on me the first time we met.  A first and last name would be nice, followed by why you are taking up my precious time by calling for my attention.  A business card is even better (large print preferred), that way I can glance down on it for reference and pretend to remember who you are while we’re talking.  By the way, there’s nothing more torturous for me than standing there and trying to figure out who you are while you ramble on for ten minutes about something that’s completely foreign to me.  That’s a sure-fire way to be excommunicated from my wheelhouse.

• EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE HERE — Tell me why we’re talking because I probably have no idea.  I presume you want something, or are merely eager to be in my company.  I can appreciate that.  If you simply want to meet me so you can tell your friends back home, I will indulge in such requests for 60 seconds.  Ninety seconds if you’re a progressive.  And two full minutes if you’re either a socialist or a wine connoisseur.  If you’re both a socialist and a wine connoisseur, you get 15 minutes.  If you seek something else from me then identify that need as quickly as possible so I might either provide it to you or figure out a way to waffle out of the discussion and leave.  If you are seeking money, don’t even bother.  I’m always broke, that is, unless I need money for gambling or drinking.

• GET RIGHT TO THE POINT — Get to the point.  A highly recommended approach might go as follows:  “Hello, Mr. Dalla.  My name is John Smith.  I am doing a front-page story on you for “Politico.”  May I have 15 minutes of your precious time at your earliest possible convenience?”

• WHAT NOT TO DISCUSS — I have no interest whatsoever in discussing the following subjects:  the weather, bad beat stories, your personal problems, your financial troubles, pop culture fads, baseball, hand histories, Gareth Edwards, timeshares, investment opportunities, or how much money you lost following my football picks.  Go badger someone else with that bullshit.

• ALLOW ME TIME TO RESPOND — If you’re lucky and you make a positive impression on me, I may choose to bestow my wisdom and depths of experience upon you.  So, shut up and listen.  Don’t wax on for ten minutes of the conversation blabbering about something which meandered off the trail long ago and then leave me with 20 seconds to white knight your problems.  Traffic cone some space for me amid your gibberish which will allow me the opportunity to respond.

• LEAVE ME WITH AN EXIT — From the moment you begin to engage me in conversation, the meter is running.  Tick-tock, tick-tock.  Don’t expect me to invest a lot of personal attention nor time into what you’re discussing unless there’s either something significant in it for me, or it’s damn interesting or funny.  Once you veer off on a tangent or begin going stale, I’m looking for the equivalent of a conversational ejection seat.

Finally, when I cue you that I’ve got to make a phone call or have an important meeting to attend, that’s probably not the case.  I’m lying.  It just means that I’ve heard enough.  The meter ran out on your conversation and it’s time to leave.  So get lost and don’t bother me again unless you’ve got some better discussion material.

Thanks, everyone.  So now, bring it on!

Feel free to engage me in conversation anytime!

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