How to Tell When the Republicans Are Coming to Las Vegas
The elephant has left the room. But at least it didn’t leave behind a pile of dung.
Talk of the 2016 Republican National Convention taking place here in Las Vegas was precisely that — talk.
Yap. Yap. Yap.
Yada. Yada. Yada.
Given their penchant for Judeo-Christian inspired fantasy, the notion of GOP delegates making pilgrims of themselves and wandering off into the desert might seem appropriate, at least until one considers the factual prescribed destination, which might as well be the 21st Century’s reincarnation of Sodom and Gomorrah. Yet while Las Vegas remains the capital of so-called vice and sin, it’s also become the ultimate hangout for those who value the actual practice of individual freedom. Which is precisely why this city never stood a fighting chance to host the national convention. Because the party that talks all the time about freedoms really isn’t in favor of those things at all.
To the contrary, Republican thinking remains a musty ideology tethered to the bygone morals of a past civilization. Whether it’s the vast majority of its membership denying that evolution exists or convincing themselves within the loony echo chamber that global warming is a leftist hoax, these aren’t the kinds of people Las Vegas really wants flooding into our city for an entire week. So, good riddance to all.
I’ve got two words for you, Republicans. Enjoy Cleveland.
Yesterday, came the announcement that Las Vegas is no longer under consideration for the Republican love fest. Chalk up yet another devastating political blow to the fanatic billionaire who was so eager to showcase his casino castle for the serfs. Poor Sheldon Adelson. Even though poor isn’t typically the word one would chose to describe the eighth-richest man in the world, you almost take pity on him. Sheldon wanted to throw a party, but nobody came. Worse, there was no party. Between backing the Newtster in 2012, begging America to drop a nuclear weapon on Iran, and his latest losing effort on behalf of Las Vegas tourism, Sheldon’s currently on the anti-roll of a lifetime. What’s his record now, something like 0 for 16? His billions be damned, he’s mutated into a political version of “the cooler.” He’s the fucking Chicago Cubs.
But we can still dream, can’t we? We’re allowed to fantasize about what might have been. Indeed, you have to wonder what the summer of 2016 might have been like had all those pesky Republicans flooded into town. So, allow me to now prepare a few helpful hints.
In typical David Letterman fashion, here’s how to tell the Republican National Convention is taking place in Las Vegas. Let me count the “21” ways:
(1) All television sets located inside sportsbooks are tuned-in to FOX NEWS. When Bill O’Reilly appears onscreen, the crowd goes bat shit crazy and erupts like they hold a winning Super Bowl ticket.
(2) The biggest poker game in town is $1-2 Limit Razz, with no rake.
(3) The city runs out of Coors and Coors Light.
(4) Dealers count up their tokes at the end of the shift and need coin wrappers.
(5) Hotel beds are already self-made by the time housekeeping arrives each morning at 7 am.
(6) All the hookers start dressing like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman.
(7) Delegates mistakenly think that a “craps pit” means a public restroom.
(8) Elton John performs in front of a completely empty auditorium.
(9) You can’t get a tee time at any golf course in town, other than a public course in North Las Vegas because no one goes into that neighborhood.
(10) House Speaker John Boehner actually manages to get a real tan.
(11) Sen. Mitch McConnell stays up late one night, which means past 8 pm.
(12) Delegates become all excited to see a new performer on the Las Vegas Strip. His name is Wayne Newton.
(13) In anticipation of thousands of Republicans coming to town who are against just about everything, the Cirque du Soleil show at the Mirage called “Love” temporarily changes its name to “Hate.”
(14) Sen. John McCain plays online poker for real money on his iPhone — but this time it’s legal.
(15) Deadbeat rancher outlaw Cliven Bundy shows up at the convention as the keynote speaker. His speech begins as follows — “Now, let me tell you the problem with the Negro….”
(16) Acceptable dinner conversation includes why everyone is pro-life, but supports the death penalty.
(17) The entire table holds hands and prays together before each hand of blackjack.
(18) Taxi drivers, bellhops, waiters, and other key service people are lectured about how bad “socialized medicine” is while constantly being reminded they’re lucky enough to live in the greatest country in the world.
(19) Rand Paul sounds like the most sane person in the group.
(20) Delegates elect to officially boycott New York, New York (casino) because it always votes Democratic. Meanwhile, the party favors the Luxor because the pyramids were the ideal economic model for America.
(21) Sheldon Adelson looks normal in a crowd.
Well, that’s it.
Somehow, Las Vegas will have to manage to survive without the GOP. We’ll all have to shoehorn a hundred-thousand visitors from someplace else into the city’s casinos, hotels, and restaurants during that week.
We probably dodged a bullet — especially since so many Republicans love their guns and are armed.