How did this happen?
Look at this mattress!
The photo above shows the king-sized bed in my hotel room, in Cannes, France.
Here’s a closer look:
I know what you’re thinking. You’re horrified. You find me repulsive.
Well, it’s not what you think.
There’s a story here, and if you’ve read this far, you’re going to hear every sleazy detail.
I got out of bed this morning at 9 am sharp. As I was getting dressed, I looked back at the bed and saw this appalling sight.
Imagine the horror.
But the odor wasn’t quite what I expected. In fact, the odor was quite pleasant.
Has your revulsion meter hit overdrive yet? I’ll pause a moment and give you a chance to run to the bathroom and vomit.
I had smelled this familiar odor before. Many times. And, it wasn’t just coming from the sheets. I looked down. It was also all over my body, especially my backside. I was covered in brown.
What was this odd brown substance?
You guessed it.
Reminiscent to the famous scene in The Godfather where the evil movie producer wakes up with what appears to be a bloody nose, only to find his prize mare’s head splattered all over his silk sheets, my worst possible fears turned out to be little more than a mangled and molested confectionary treat.
But now, there’s an even bigger mystery. I don’t remember eating chocolate in bed last night. So, how did it get there?
The only logical explanation seems to be that the maid somehow left some chocolates on the bed when she cleaned my room the previous day. Was she munching on a candy bar? Did she set the chocolate down and then forget about it? Or, were there chocolates on the pillow as some fancy hotels do — and did I stumble in at 3 am last night, rumble under the sheets, and proceed to pulverize a couple of pieces of chocolate candy?
I don’t know.
What I do know, however, is that with no help from the useless “shower” in my bathroom, it took me ten minutes to wash the chocolate out of my ass.