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Posted by on May 26, 2013 in Blog, Travel | 4 comments

New Orleans Short Stories (5): Junk Science




New Orleans Short Story #5:  Junk Science

As I was typing up these stories on a Southwest Airlines flight from New Orleans to Las Vegas, something else happened.  Call it a bonus.  Or, call it payback for being rude to the deaf kid.

So of course, I have to write about it.

For unknown reasons, this flight is absolutely packed with children and infants.  A couple of dozen.  You’d think a flight between New Orleans and Las Vegas – the two most hedonistic cities in America – wouldn’t have many kids.  But this one does.

But what’s driving me up a wall right now aren’t the cries of wailing infants.  No.

It’s having junk shoved against my shoulder.

Junk.  If you don’t know the slang, then read on.  You’ll figure it out.

I selected an aisle seat because I want all the room I can get.  Trouble is, it’s next to the toilet.  So, each time someone flushes and comes out, another pisser is en route.  My arm sticks out into the aisle a bit because it’s a full flight.  Two flights that you can always count on to be packed are those with a connection to either New Orleans or Las Vegas.

The first time “the incident” happened, I didn’t really notice it.  Not too much.  It was just one of those “little accidents.”  As two grown men were passing each other in the aisle, one of them turned sideways and proceeded to pound me with his junk on the shoulder.

Sorry, I don’t like another guy’s junk touching me.  Its just not cool.  And the junk sure better not be aroused.

I blew it off the first time.  Scratch that.  What I mean is, I forgot the incident.

But five minutes later — it happened again!  This time I was quite annoyed.  And if I may say so, the second incident involved a man who seemed to be more endowed than the previous interloper.  I can say that now, since I’m gradually becoming an expert on this subject.

Right now, I’m flying in terror.  Call it my shoulder’s “gag reflex.”  Each time a big guy wallows down the aisle, I lean inward towards the middle seat.  The poor old woman sitting next to me right now is probably convinced I’m making a pass at her.  Sorry, older woman with glasses reading People Magazine.  I’m tired of getting junk pressing against me.

I would also like to decry what I believe to be sex discrimination.  This flight is about 50-50 male versus female.  It’s nearly summertime.  So many of the girls on the flight are wearing shorts.

How come the girl in the hot pants never accidentally bumps into me?  Why can’t that happen?  How come I don’t get a close up of some sweet hot ass?

Huh?  Answer me that.

Instead, all I get is junk.


COMING NEXT:  My Favorite Memories of New Orleans


  1. Hey, you could always take the bus next time. 🙂

  2. In fairness to the airline, they usually state clearly that packages may shift during the flight! 🙂

  3. how about if i send the plane for you next time??! LOL

  4. Perhaps a new maxim should be coined: “Don’t ever be a dick; sooner or later it rubs off on you.”

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