I know. I shouldn’t have used Craig’s List. Been burned before.
But the asking price of the MacBook Pro supposedly in “like new condition” reduced down to just $600 under the bold headline “Must Sell Today” in the computers section appeared to be a bargain. In good shape, MacBook Pros usually fetch around $1,000. Brand new, they can run a couple of grand — which I don’t have laying around right now since it’s near the end of football season. Playoffs are coming up and money is my tool.
If and when the chronicle of capitalism’s decline and ultimate demise gets written, the ideal starting point as to why the fall happened would be today’s grotesque gargoyle of greed — better known as “Black Friday.”
Nothing so acutely illustrates the twisted paradox of our collective values than humbly folding out hands together, bowing our heads, and giving thanks for the blessings we have on one day….and the very next morning (or increasingly, later that same night!) storming out of the house and diving hysterically, clutching credit card in hand, into the national mosh pit of bargain-hunting mass madness. The hypocrisy goes beyond epidemic.
Many of you know I set and maintain the highest standards possible. I have strict rules for social engagements — including dining out with other people, being served in restaurants, and engaging in casual conversation.
Now, with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve right around the corner, it occurred to me that most of my dedicated readers and followers might not be aware of my rigorous holiday protocols. Should you invite me to grace your merry occasion make it truly special for you and your guests, that means certain qualifications must be met. Note that depending on how important you are, and the prospects that you can either help me financially or with my career, some of these conditions may be flexible. However, the rest of you will be required to meet my demands in full and without question, or risk me blowing you off. Should you wish for me attend, adding significantly to the chances of your holiday gathering being successful, listen up and take careful notes.
Here are my ten demands for attending public holiday festivities:
I like purges.
Sometimes, it’s necessary to clean out the closets and take out the trash. So, get out the garbage bags.
Last night, I posted several live updates on Twitter. I don’t do this but once a year perhaps, if that, and only when there’s a major event happening that might be fun to cover. Most of my comments last night were about the Republican Presidential Debate happening on CNN, which took place as I was tweeting out my commentary, flinging occasional barbs, and even cracking a few jokes at the candidates’ expense. Even people who don’t agree with my leftist politics are probably aware that I’m quite amiable. I love debates and discussion. And, I never take things personally, nor let politics affect my friendships. I’ve got witnesses to back me up on this. I mean, those I didn’t purge already.
I’m an ice cream addict.
Trouble is, there’s a lot of shitty ice creams out there polluting the markets loaded with garbage ingredients like high-fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners and phony flavors, and worst of all chemical preservatives that makes ice cream addiction one of the unhealthiest vices around, aside from smoking. Dairy products aren’t particularly good for you, anyway. Plus, they make you fat. Well, they make me fat. Okay, fatter.
But up until now, that’s a price I’ve been willing to pay. I just have to get my regular ice cream fix. It doesn’t matter where I’m visiting, or what the temperature is outside, I want a triple scoop of whatever I can get my hands on, and then I devour it within only a couple of minutes because — I CAN’T STAND SOFT ICE CREAM!
I want my ice cream rock hard. Otherwise, I will not eat it. I have a soft ice cream phobia.