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Posted by on Jan 6, 2014 in Blog, Essays, Politics, What's Left | 5 comments

Stopping Terrorism with Beer and Pussy




Any religion that forbids enjoying life is a fucking straightjacket.  I mean, what kind of routine requires that you pray five times a day?  Why doesn’t someone jump up and say,“how come we’re praying more than anyone else on earth, and we’re still the poorest motherfuckers on the planet?”


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It’s time to get serious about ending global terrorism.

Let’s quit pretending we’ve got the tiger by the tail, because we don’t.  Drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’ve got the perfect solution.

Open up a shitload of bars and nightclubs inside every Muslim country.  Carpet bomb them with liquor.  Just do it.  Forget about dropping humanitarian leaflets and care packages.  Ship in bar stools, announce it’s happy hour, and let the free-pouring begin.  Then, turn up the music.  Loud.  Political extremism and acts of terror would dry up faster than the Cincinnati Bengals’ Super Bowl hopes.

Imagine what it must be like living inside a hard-core Muslim society.  They’re basically giant prison camps.  You’d go mad.  Every sphere of daily life is suffocated by religion.  Since drinking alcohol is strictly forbidden by the Koran, most of these countries don’t have a single bar or nightclub where people can go and hang out.

And that’s the problem.

So what do many young people do instead?  They sit around in frustration and feel sorry for themselves.  They look around at the rest of the world and observe other young people having a blast.  Drinking.  Dancing.  Partying.  Fucking.  And some of these Muslim fundamentalists decide, “Well fuck that!  If we can’t have it, they can’t either.  So, let’s go blow their shit up!”

Pretty much sums up the situation, doesn’t it?

Think harder.  The problem is far more serious than the lack of booze.  Contemplate a society where young men can’t mix and mingle with young women, without supervision.  A culture where the simple act of a man talking to a woman openly on the street might lead to arrest.  Really, think about what a psychological clusterfuck that creates for a populace.  You really want to know why some of these radicals go batshit crazy and decide to blow themselves up?  It’s because they aren’t getting any beer and pussy.

Go ahead, think about that.

Look at the Muslim societies which produce the most terrorists.  Where are they?  Saudi Arabia.  Yemen.  Syria.  Libya.  The U.A.E.  Pakistan.  Iran, I suppose.  Always the strictest societies.  Places where God’s capos walk around with billy clubs.  Places where there are no bars and the women don’t show any tits and ass.  Places where there’s no pornography.  Where adultery can get the offender the death penalty.  Do the simple math:  No beer + no pussy = terrorism.

No, this isn’t just a Muslim thing.  Contrast this with the Republic of Turkey, a modern secular democracy that’s 99 percent Muslim.  They have more bars than mosques.  More bartenders than imams.  Nightclubs that rival what you would see in London or New York.  Check out Turkish newspapers — nude women plastered all over the pages.  In Turkey, they even have nude beaches.  Notice anything unusual about Turkey when contrasted with its neighbors?  No terrorists.  Except for the Kurds of course — but they don’t count since they’re fighting a separatist movement.  Besides, the Kurds aren’t getting any beer and pussy, so that pretty much makes my point.

So, we see that banning booze and shackling the shorts seriously fucks with people’s heads.  Even the terrorists responsible for the 9-11 attacks were so messed up psychologically by the time they finally made it to America that they tipped off what for them was the essential frustration of their lives.  What did they all do the nights leading up to committing suicide attacks and killing thousands?

That’s right.  They went to strip clubs and hired hookers.  In other words, they went all out for the beer and pussy.


Look at this miserable fuck.

You think if this poor guy drank a couple of Budweisers every night after work and got some fresh ass on the weekends he’d mastermind blowing our shit up?  Sigmund Freud could have a field day with this guy’s mental charts.  He’s a fucking fruitcake factory, all beause he didn’t grow up like the rest of us.  He didn’t get smashed every now and then while in high school, or spend most of his youth hunting for shaggable tail.

Too bad he missed out.  He might been the life of the party.  Come to think of it, he does look a little bit like Ron Jeremy, doesn’t he?

So I’m thinking the solution to the world’s terrorism problem goes something like this:

(1)  First, get them to ditch that bullshit religion of theirs.  Any religion that forbids enjoying life is a fucking straightjacket.  I mean, what kind of routine requires that you pray five times a day?  Why doesn’t someone jump up and say, “how come we’re praying more than anyone else on earth, and we’re still the poorest motherfuckers on the planet?”  Wake up, people!

(2)  Lend them a shitload of IMF money with only one stipulation.  The loan must be used to build bars and nightclubs.  Not dams and roads and bridges.  Fuck that.  Bars.  Clubs.  Places where people can hang out and have fun.

(3)  Bombard them with Britney Spears music or whatever else they might listen to that makes everyone take their clothes off and start fornicating.  Once they start the national bangfest, they won’t give a flying rats ass how to detonate a C-12 plastic explosive.  They’ll all be too busy screwing each others brains out to join Al Queda.

(4)  Forget those failed advertising campaigns trying to sell “freedom” and “democracy” to the people.  Fuck it.  Instead, hammer them over the head with silly commercials and billboards of different kinds of beer, showing an oasis of ice cold brew in the hot desert.  Freedom doesn’t sell.  Fun sells.  Sin sells.

Here’s a final thought.  Look at history.

Remember, the Cold War wasn’t won with guns and bombs.  It was won with rock n’ roll and blue jeans.

The West never fired a single shot over the Berlin Wall.  We never had to.  We let the natural advantages and attributes of our society overwhelm our adversaries, until the time when they became just like us — wanting the exact same things.  Ronald Reagan and John F. Kennedy weren’t the heroes.  The Beatles and Levi Strauss were.  When everything came crashing down, the Soviets and Eastern Europeans weren’t quoting politicians.  They were singing to the music of Pink Floyd.

There’s a lesson to be learned here.  A generation ago it was popular music and cool clothes.  Now, it’s cold beer and hot pussy.  That’s the solution to the global terrorism problem.




  1. Pretty much agree with everything Nolan says.
    Well, as much as I like Britney Spears, maybe Beyonce,
    Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Bruno Mars would be better choices.

    I would add that we should bombard them with laptops
    and free internet. Get these guys on the WWW.
    Let them see what they are missing out on.

  2. We haven’t even begun to discuss the tens of thousands of traffic deaths and ruined lives resulting each year from drunk driving…

  3. Well, there are hooch bars, hookahs and world’s best opium growing place. Pussy wise they are legally allowed multiple plus many more in other names, not working, sorry. This is like – I smoked and fcuk so much, now what? Go kill?

  4. Nolan,

    It might be a good idea for you to go to the Middle East, and talk to the people you meet there before penning silly articles like this.

    Frankly I expected better from an intelligent, atheist and proud freethinker such as yourself.

    Unless of course, you were trying to be funny, in which case. Sorry, you failed. Dismally.

  5. Nolan,


    I live in the middle east and having being saying the same thing for the last two years.

    You are a visionary!

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