Should I Run For Las Vegas City Council?

Would you trust this man with your tax dollars?

I’m thinking of doing something really crazy.

I am considering running for a seat on the Las Vegas City Council.

I assure you this is no grandstanding gesture.  I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about publicity or getting my name in the paper.  I don’t even like fame and have no desire to be famous.  For what?

But I do care about debating ideas and I do care about my local community and its future.  And I’m sick and fucking tired of the way this city and state — and its citizens — are getting ass jammed by the leeches in power.

I wouldn’t just be a dog to win.  I’d be a mutt with rabies.  I even might foam at the mouth.  I’m the rabid dog no one wants to adopt.  A runt.  But I sure as shit have one hell of a bite.

My candidacy would scare a lot of people.  Who knows, they might even try to assassinate me.  I must admit, that would be one hell of a grand exit.  I’d tell the establishment to pretty much go fuck themselves and then BAM!  Brains would splatter over the microphone the color of cheese and broccoli soup.  One thing’s for sure.  I’d be advised to refuse accepting campaign contributions, especially since no one would be insane enough to give me money anyway knowing that I’d probably blow it inside the sportsbook.

Oh, but those fucking debates would be a performance for the ages, I promise you.  Masterpiece.  Fucking.  Theater.

I’ve got just enough intelligence and balls to beat the hell out of any challenger I face (at least in a debate format).  I’ve got just enough charm to look and sound the part of a community leader, even though I’m hopelessly twisted at heart.  And, I’d say whatever in the hell popped into my head which might make for some interesting theater and a train wreck of a campaign.  Imagine the policies of Ralph Nader gift wrapped up in the delivery of Network’s “Howard Beale.”

At one time, I actually did want to run for Congress.  Seriously.  Had I pursued that route and stayed in the mainstream philosophically, I’m convinced I could have achieved that, which isn’t so much a reflection of my appeal as the utter void of leadership which seems to have become a national promulgation.  Trouble was, my ideas gradually became so radical that I’d have no shot of being nominated in a primary.  Of course, I could probably run on the Green Party or Socialist ticket, but those candidates are pretty much crackpots living in trailer parks who read science fiction and listen to AM radio.

Truth is, I’m carrying some serious baggage.  More like lead suitcases.  Read this blog or do a Google search, and there’s plenty there to piss off just about everybody.  Surely, no one at the Venetian would vote for me.  I can’t stand babies and therefore won’t ever kiss one.  I’m a Socialist, which pretty much groups me with child molesters.  I’m an Atheist, which means I start my campaign with 80 percent of voters hating me.  And, I don’t believe in Israel’s right to exist, which pretty much fucks me out of that 2 percent of the radical Marxist-Jews who might have given my candidacy some consideration.

My own mother wouldn’t vote for me.  And my father, who was once actually a member of the John Birch Society, would probably donate money to opponents’ campaigns.  Hell, I’m not even sure I’d vote for myself.

Yeah, I’m fucked.

But then so are elections, the government, the country, and just about everything that has to do with what masquerades as leadership.  I wonder — could a straight-talking madman actually garner enough votes to win an election?  If anywhere this might actually be possible, it’s probably Las Vegas.  After all, Bob Stupak once ran for mayor here and nearly won.  If an egocentric dope fiend could get within a few thousand votes of the mayor’s office, wouldn’t I at least stand a chance?  At least they’ve got no sex or drug stuff to pin on me.  No Spitzergate or Weinergate here.  I’ve never smoked a joint or hired a prostitute.  However, I have used the N-word, the F-word, the C-word, and if it ends in “…i-n-g” I’ve likely done it.

In fact, that would be the way I’d announce my candidacy.  Step right up to the microphone and announce “I’m broke, I drink, I gamble, and I even masturbated once.”  Where’s the potential for scandal?  Hell, I’d be inoculated for life.

As for support, I think I could get the votes of most minorities, gays, gamblers, atheists, hard-line leftists, bartenders, pornographers, bookies, scumbags, and everyone who knows Lisa Tenner.  Holy shit — that’s probably a plurality in Las Vegas.

What do you think?  Should I run?

I’ve got about six months to decide.

Today, Las Vegas.  Tomorrow, the world.