Review: The Out-Laws is a Crime Scene (Netflix)
REVIEW: THE OUT-LAWS (ON NETFLIX)
The Out-Laws is an astonishing movie. In fact, it’s hard to know which is more astonishing — that someone actually had the guts to walk into a major Hollywood studio and pitch this script; Or, that a major Hollywood studio green-lighted the project and agreed to make the movie. Either way, as one of the unfortunate victims forced to endure its grueling final punishment, this experience had to be the most irritating 93 minutes of my life since standing in line years ago at a hopelessly understaffed Spirit Airlines check-in counter in Ft. Lauderdale.
I can’t say there wasn’t advance warning. “Produced by Adam Sandler.” Well, that explains everything. Stop right there. It’s all we need to know.
Seriously. “Produced by Adam Sandler” is used for advertising fodder on the Netflix trailer. Oh yes, that golden Sandler touch, always baiting one’s morbid curiosity titillating the wonderlust of cringe. That production header tells me The Out-Laws is so bad Sandler himself wouldn’t even agree to star in it. Let’s give the man some credit — at least he has his standards, as an actor at least; as a producer, not so much. Which all brings me to wondering what’s inside the office wastebaskets at Sandler Productions? Imagine that fucking dreck. How bad can the scripts be that were TURNED DOWN? What giant swarm of locusts infested the Sandler Productions office and ate the pages of any scrap of a funny line or laughable moment? Holy mother of the comedy gods, please call an exterminator. Or, the CDC. Anyone know a reliable arsonist who can do a job in Burbank on short notice?
We tuned in to The Out-Laws on Netflix late last night. Personal Note: Sympathy cards can be either mailed or sent electronically. From the opening credits, the movie triggered a gambit of emotional reactions — displeasure, disbelief, disgust, disappointment, and finally bone-crushing boredom. What could have possibly motivated Pierce Brosnon to appear willingly in this wreckage? Wasn’t he James Bond at one time? On the funny scale of 1 to 10, Brosnon is a .007.
Ellen Barkin, who hasn’t made a good movie since the downfall of the Soviet Union, plays the female suspect in this bank robbery caper-comedy. Brosnon & Barkin, which sounds more like law firm than a suburban crime duo, are thought to be the notorious masked robbers pulling off bank heists throughout Los Angeles. Meanwhile, Adam Devine is getting married to Nina Dobrev, and one set of parents is….take a wild guess….Brosnon & Barkin. Think of Meet the Parents crossbred with Fun With Dick and Jane, only with every breadth of a fragment that could masquerade as either funny or believable leech-bled out of the script.
Not that any of the inane plot matters. Rather, we’re supposedly here for the laughs and the joys of an appealing cast that should have known better than to take the call. This storyline is about as fresh as a hardened piece of chewing gum at the bottom of a steel bench in a bus station.
Stop. Hold the phone. Before we hire the arsonist, first let’s check the wastebaskets once more. Dig deeper. There must be something hidden in there better than The Out-Laws.