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Posted by on Jan 28, 2015 in Blog, Restaurant Reviews | 6 comments

I Refuse to Eat Ghetto Burgers

 

krystals

 

White Castle opened its first fast-food location on the Las Vegas Strip.  No thanks.  I’ll pass.  Now, would you kindly point me in the direction of the closest In and Out Burger?  All this talk of burgers is bringing out the animal in me.

 

White Castle is known for serving square mini- “hamburgers” about the size of a hockey puck, with about the same nutritional value.  It’s ghetto food.  Heart attack heaven.  White Castle is to hamburgers what Milwaukee’s Best is to beer.  You know — garbage.

Of course, White Castle will make a fortune at their new location, which tells you everything you need to know about the taste buds of the average tourist walking The Strip at night.  Even though the burgers taste pretty much like shit doused in butter, expect plenty of long lines, especially around 3 in the morning.  Although a culinary abomination, these little sliders are perfect comfort food after a long night of drinking, especially when everything else is either closed or a coffee shop.

Indeed, that’s what makes White Castle so wickedly genius for what’s clearly a niche market, as dastardly awful as these little hamburgers taste.  No one in their right mind would eat at this greasy spoon during regular daytime hours, would they?  But when all that remains in your pocket is a few crumpled up dollars and it’s a warm soggy slider off the grill, versus a trip to the 7/11 and a bag of stale potato chips, well then, you cram as many hockey pucks into a bag as $5.17 will buy.

White Castle first came out about the same time as two other “square burger with onions” places.  Little Tavern used to be open all over the Washington, D.C. area.  They were these tiny little diners about the size of a bedroom with perhaps a dozen bar stools and a single counter which could seat no more than a few customers at a time.  The cook waited on people.  Little Taverns were open 24/7 and did a rocking business.  I have no idea why most of them are gone now.  Probably because D.C. real estate got way too expensive.  Or, all the customers had heart attacks and died.

Krystal’s is the southern version of White Castle.  I first became aware of Krystals as most people do — which was in the heart of New Orleans.  Someone who’s brilliant (and now worth millions, no doubt) leased out the corner at the end of Bourbon Street, which is the narrow avenue just about all partiers take on their way back to the big hotels over on Canal Street.  Basically, 40,000 people pass by here each night between 2 am and 5 am, and a fair percentage of stop in for a ghetto burger on the way back to the room.  I did this one time and threw up an hour later.  I’m not sure if it was the six hurricanes I consumed or the five ghetto burgers from Krystal’s.  Anyway, I sure as shit am not giving up on Hurricanes.

Look for the same thing to happen here in Las Vegas.  No, not me vomiting hurricanes.  I mean long lines snaking towards a tiny slither of “beef” that gets hammered between two thick buns, laced with diced onions and perhaps some ketchup (which should be a federal crime to put on a hamburger).  Then, the abomination is stuffed into a little box, bagged up, and well on its way to cholesterol the shit out of your arteries like sludge moving through a pipe.  Total food cost = probably $.09 each.

I don’t like White Castle.  Nope.  Not at all.  I’m giving it a bad review.  I urge all of my readers not to give them any business.

6 Comments

  1. It should be a federal crime to put ketchup on a burger?

    I’ll grant you that a perfectly made burger requires no condiments of any kind… and that’s how you can tell when I’m eating a perfect burger, because I’ve tried it and gone without adding anything to it at all… but a regular, bog-standard cheeseburger? Of course it should have ketchup, or ketchup and mustard, or Heinz 57, or whatever… why not?

  2. I was about to ask te same question I use less ketchup than most I’m sure, but I do like it on a burger. Any burger, except maybe those specialty burgers where ketchup would ruin the whole taste theme.

    So why the hatred of ketchup?

  3. I feel sorry for you. Self important sick puppy. You’re wrong as wrong can be.

  4. Gosh, you gave White Castle a bad review and never actually tried them? I am from the East Coast originally and actually had it after watching the original Star Wars movie as a kid. I thought they were wonderful burgers. I moved out to the West recently and got to try the hallowed In N Out that people in this part of the country keep raving about, have to say that it was nothing special, although they do a pretty good job of copying McDonald’s special sauce. I thought In N Out burgers are super greasy, did not think they were bad but not the wonderful burgers everyone keeps saying that they are in this part of the world. A good burger, just not the amazing experience everyone raves about when they mention In N Out.
    White Castle is the place that actually invented the American burger by the way, however there is place in Connecticut, Louis Lunch that also claims to have invented it, but White Castle actually pre-dated chains like McDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Burger King by several decades. White Castle did invent hamburger buns. They never became a national name because the family that owned the company chose not to franchise, the same as In N Out.
    Both chains have a cult like following.

    • Nolan Replies:

      I don’t recall having a White Castle before, but I did have a Little Tavern burger many times (that chain was based in Washington DC and Baltimore, and dates back to the 1920’s). Also tried Krystal’s in New Orleans, which is an identical concept that began in the 1930’s. I get junk food for convenience sake, but why anyone would STAND IN LINE or get excited about these awful burgers is beyond my comprehension.

      — ND

      • my wife feels the same way about white castles as u do nolan. and i guess i feel the same way as all the people in their line. although u are correct. i have to be about 14 beers into the night/morning to be able to eat one

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