My Pet Bed Review

Our oldest cat needs a new pet bed.

At age 13, Alex is a senior now.  So, he has special needs.  He’s what we call a special needs cat.

Unfortunately, we can’t ask Alex his opinion about which type of pet bed he prefers.  Soft or firm?  Cotton or foam?  Circle or square?

The only sound he makes is “meow,” which in cat language basically means one of three things:

(1)  I’m hungry.

(2)  I’m sleepy.

(3)  Leave me the fuck alone.

That leaves us only one option.  I get to serve as the cat proxy.

I wonder — does this mean I get to sleep 16 hours a day and vomit on the rug each morning?

Time for a trip to the local PetsMart.

PRODUCT #1 — GEL MEMORY FOAM PET BED

Human or cat, the “gel memory foam” feature certainly does seem appealing.  Don’t you just hate it when the mattress can’t remember your last sleeping position?

Indeed, it troubles me terribly that Alex might have to reconfigure his mattress each time he naps.  What torture!  Animal abuse!

Trouble is — his mattress is a really tight fit for me.  But Alex should fit nicely in the gentle curvature.  Looks like we have an early leader in the best pet bed contest.

PRODUCT #2 — ORTHOPEDIC FOAM PET BED

The second choice appears to be large enough for Alex and me both.  Snuggle heaven.

The orthopedic foam pet bed is much more comfortable than the first bed.  Judging by its name, this bed is specially designed for pets with musculoskeletal disorders.  Hmm — maybe this could help me with my recurring back problems.  I might steal this from Alex.  Screw the cat — let him sleep on the floor.

We have a new leader in the pet bed contest.

PRODUCT #3 — MARTHA STEWART PET BED

Finally, against my personal ethics, I tried out the “Martha Stewart Pets” bed.

This is obviously the Cadillac of pet beds.  Not bad for a convicted felon who once served federal time for insider trading.  Maybe Martha spent her months locked away in a minimum-security prison contemplating the sleeping comforts of our pets.  Who knew she was a woman of so many talents?

According to the label — it comes with a cooling gel.

According to the label — it also provides supreme comfort.

And — it’s on sale!

AND THE WINNER IS…

The Martha Stewart pet bed gets my recommendation and my money.

However, this now creates a totally new problem.

How in the hell can I keep that damned cat off my new bed while I relax and try to watch the ball game?

READ: How to Tell if You’re Owned by Your Cat

READ: My Cat is Smarter Than Your Stupid Baby