My Secret Party Script

Here’s the reason I leave most parties without saying goodbye.

One thing I often do that many people may find unusual -or rude- is leaving parties without saying goodbye.

I bolt most parties discretely for a very simple reason — practicality. It’s practical. It’s also respectful to everyone in attendance. Hear me out.

Look at it this way — if everyone at the party spends several minutes making the rounds and saying their goodbyes, that’s ridiculously impractical. It’s also rude. It means hijacking everyone else at the party with conversation-killing interruptions announcing your looming departure, which totally dampens the moment just when the fun should be going full blast.

“Gee, that’s a great story, Joe….oh wait, Bob — you’re leaving?” What a joy killer.

Multiply that rude interrupting attention-grabber times as many people show up at the party, and it becomes more annoying than another Elton John “farewell tour.”

“Okay you’re leaving, Bob. That’s great….so, tell me — why did you walk over here to tell us that and interrupt our conversation — do you want applause?”

Here’s the typical script at most big parties:

HOUR 1: Everyone spends the first hour arriving, saying hi, exchanging greetings, shaking hands, making introductions, and hugging each other.
HOUR 2: Dinner is finally served, followed by entertainment, toasts, and speeches.
HOUR 3: Everyone spends the last hour navigating and plotting, then leaving, saying goodbyes, exchanging faux salutations to “drive carefully,” promising to “do lunch sometime” (which never happens), and of course — hugging each other.

My script is much easier to follow:

HOUR 1: Arrive. Grab a drink. Seek out the most interesting people.
HOUR 2: Eat the food. Enjoy the entertainment if it’s any good. Participate in the toast.
HOUR 3: Gravitate to the best conversations, exchange stories, and when bored — leave. [Note: Stay longer if the wine is excellent.]

Now, you know my party secrets. That’s the reason I leave most parties without saying goodbye.

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Note: If you have the misfortune to be the host, you’re pretty much fucked. You have to endure the hell of saying goodbye to everyone, including (usually) the most boring person in the room who is always the last one to leave.