Movie Madness — Do’s and Don’ts at the Movie Theater
You probably heard about a bizarre incident recently (which one?), where a man was shot and killed for texting inside a movie theater.
That’s right — texting.
The irony of all ironies, the name of the movie being shown was “Lone Survivor.”
The poor victim didn’t even make the final credits.
The shooting occurred at a matinee in Tampa, Florida. According to reports, a man was texting while the previews were being shown.
Initially, I was sympathetic to the gunman, until I learned this terrible tragedy happened during the previews. I mean, have you been to the movies lately? Every movie now has eight previews! The movie you paid to see ends up starting 25 minutes later than advertised!
I’ve had enough of this. Where’s my gun?
Back to the story. Another man, sitting in the row behind the offender, was sufficiently annoyed that he stood up and asked the person texting to shut off his phone — immediately. An altercation erupted and an entire bucket of hot buttered popcorn was spilled. A few minutes later, a man was dead.
Such a needless waste and a terrible tragedy. I mean, have you noted the price of a large popcorn at the movies lately?
Fact is, movie audiences are out of control. Everyone seems to have misplaced their manners. No one understands proper etiquette anymore. So, I’m here to provide a crash course on exactly what to do and how to behave.
What follows are the do’s and don’t’s of going out to the movies:
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Are you sick and tired of late coming, popcorn-munching, non-stop talkers, and texters wrecking your movie experience? Me too!
Note to Self: Next time you go to the movies here’s a checklist — car keys (check), wallet (check), movie discount club card (check), handgun (check). Got it? Good, let’s go.
Here are the ways we can all get the most out of our movie experience:
ARRIVE ON TIME –– Get your ass in a seat on time before the previews start rolling. Theaters should treat movies like horse races. Once the movie starts, the doors should be shut and padlocked. All windows down. Betting is now closed. No one should be allowed into the auditorium once the lights go dark. If the movie is scheduled to start at 5:30, then stop selling tickets at 5:30 and get the movie up on the screen by 5:31.
BAN ALL FOOD AND DRINK (EXCEPT WATER)— Who the fuck goes to the movies to eat? Seriously? The food is terrible. Everything is bad for you. It costs four times what you’d pay anywhere else. It’s messy. And it’s annoying as hell! Crunching popcorn and slurping a soda that makes that gurgling sound is at least worth a punch in the face if not a swift kick in the ass. And if some dolt starts twisting those noisy cellophane candy wrappers midway through the movie, which basically sounds like a jet engine while you’re trying to watch the show, then it’s time to pull out the heat you’ve been packing.
DIG THROUGH YOUR PURSE/POCKETS BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTS — Why is it some idiot woman always starts rumbling through her purse 40 minutes into the movie? It sounds like she’s cleaning out a fucking shoe closet. Of course, this also requires using some lighting device to find the needed item, which only makes things more distracting for those around the offender. What does the woman need anyway? Her lipstick? What is so important halfway into a movie that she has to start digging through her purse? This is definitely worth at least a warning shot fired into the air. Disclaimer: If the woman is fumbling through her purse looking for her piece, this is okay.
ATTEND MATINEES — Afternoon movies are ideal. First, they’re cheaper than the price of a regular movie ticket at night time. Second, the audiences are much better behaved, usually made up of retirees and veteran moviegoers. Third and most important, there are no kids at matinees since they’re either in school or at your home rummaging through the liquor cabinet replacing the vodka with tap water, or smoking dope. Moreover, should you need to engage your weapon, older people tend to pose the least resistance.
SIT ON THE BACK ROW — Try to sit in the back row. This is because no one can possibly sit behind you, which eliminates the chance of annoying chatter, candy wrappers, texts, etc. driving you totally insane just a few feet from the back of your neck. But there’s also a better reason to sit high and behind — if you need to get off a shot while the movie is playing, it’s much easier to take aim from up higher while facing your target directly. The guilty will be like sitting ducks. So, take an ideal position inside the theater, which is up high. Think eagle’s nest. Bam! Bam! Bam!
DEALING WITH TALKERS — Plain and simple, don’t talk. Put another way, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Seriously, no one cares what you think or what you’re saying. The movie theater is not your living room. It’s a public space where others have paid good money to hear the actors drop 300 F-bombs. When it comes to movie talkers, a handgun is often insufficient given the weight of the crime. Assault rifles with multiple clips are highly recommended.
TURN OFF ALL CELL PHONES — Turn off your cell phone! I mean, how difficult is this rule to follow? Despite the warnings before the movie starts, too many morons totally ignore this. You hear phones ringing and flashing all the time. And if you dare to answer that call or send a text during the movie, you better be on the waiting list for a liver transplant and the hospital is now calling. Anyone who takes a cell phone call and then DOES NOT LEAVE means it wasn’t an emergency. At that point, all guns should be drawn by members of the audience, and every slug should be emptied into the guilty party. No exceptions.
BRING A SILENCER — One final point and a helpful bit of advice. When taking a handgun into a movie theater, always try and use a silencer. That way, the gunfire will be only a minimal distraction to those sitting around you. We really do appreciate it.
NOTIFY THEATER MANAGEMENT — Once the movie ends, exit the theater. If any shots were fired and bodies hit the floor during the flick, be sure and notify management. That way, a cleaning crew can bring in a fresh mop. Don’t you hate it when you walk in and the bottom of your shoes stick to the floor?
Now, enjoy the show!
Nolan on the money again.
I’d add that you should try to fire your gun at the
same time as gun fire on the movie screen.
When I lived in Florida recently,I frequent ed the theater a lot where the shooting occurred. .sheesh
theaters make no money on ticket, only concessions
Nolan – You missed a couple key points
– the (now dead) texter was replying to a message from his daughter (problems with the sitter?)
– he became enraged and threw a bucket of hot popcorn at the retired police officer that was telling him to turn off his phone.
– the RPO clearly had reason to fear that his life could be in danger, so pretty clear the shooting was self defense – stand your ground could apply here.
Movie theater shootings killing dozens of people? 7 comments
Car accidents killing thousands? 1 comment
Seattle Seahawks guy trash talking? 80 comments
Heh.
This post explains my love of Netflix
Well, here in Austin, TX we have a little theatre chain that doesn’t allow children under a certain age for most evening movies, doesn’t allow latecomers to be seated, doesn’t allow ANY cell phone use, doesn’t allow ANY talking, but does show great movies with cartoons (the old ones) and also serves beer, wine and really GOOD food at only slightly higher prices than a mid priced restaurant. It is the Alamo Drafthouse. This is a pretty funny video on youtube about a fucking bitch who got kicked out in 2011. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs
Thanks. All of my juvenile howling apparently woke up my sleeping baby, and Mama has sent me back to the end of the ‘gratuitous sex for husbands of 10 years or more’ line. Nothing left to lose now….guess I’ll keep reading posts. Besides, my 18-pack abs needed some work anyway.