Movie Review: Inception
WARNING !
WARNING !!
WARNING !!!
DO NOT SEE THIS FILM !!!
It’s now been 90 minutes since I got home and my hands are still shaking. I had difficulty driving home. A throbbing headache. I just went through 2 hours and 38 minutes of misery.
Blew $30 dollars on the IMAX version of Christopher Nolan’s (no relation) INCEPTION, starring Leonardo Di Caprio. Saw it at Red Rock Theatre. $15 a pop to watch it on the giant screen. With Marieta, that’s thirty bucks. Most we’ve ever blown on a movie.
Anyone who had anything to do with INCEPTION should be kicked in the ass, hog tied, and given a one-way Greyhound ticket out of Hollywood and be forced to clean the bathooms at a truckstop.
How could they blow $100 million on production and not get someone to write a fucking script? You know, a SCRIPT! Some pieces of white paper with some words written on them. A S-C-R-I-P-T. Something that has a FUCKING PLOT!!!!!!!!!!
Here’s how the movie goes. Don’t worry — there’s no SPOILER ALERT needed here…..SINCE I STILL DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE AS TO HOW THE STORY GOES!
Movie opens up with Leonard Di Caprio going into some big building on a beach in Japan and basically blowing a lot of shit up. Tons of Asians die. Lot of fire. Explosions. Gunfire. This goes on like 20 minutes. Boom. Fire. Boom. Gunfire. Boom. Boom. Boom. Imagine 20 minutes of that torture without having a clue as to what is going on. Chow Sun Fat, or whatever that guy’s name is who starred in the CRUISING DRAGONS movie (another horrid movie that got stale about 6 minutes into the film) dies. I think. But then, suddenly he’s alive a few scenes later.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, fuck.
Next scene, Di Caprio is somehow in Paris. Okay. Got it. He’s talking to Michael Caine, one of my favorite actors. SIDE NOTE: How Michael Caine got talked into this cameo is beyond me. You would think the Cockney would have learned something after making Jaws 3.
Caine and Di Caprio talk about dreams.
Di Caprio says he desperately needs an assistant who may be able to master things like telepathy and the subconscious — you know, some REALLY complex shit. So, somehow Caine introduces Di Caprio to the Juno girl.
Yeah, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Nice casting. By the way, I think the girl was Mickey Rourke’s daughter in The Wrestler, also. Not her fault. She is probably going after the fat paycheck and the chance to work with Di Caprio. So, I will give her a pass. But how in the holy hell is she going to figure in this story other than paying the girl next door pricktease?
So, the Juno girl becomes Di Caprio’s assistant.
On what project? Fuck if I know. Working for WHO? WHO KNOWS??? What’s the objective? Uhhhhhhhhhhh, let me get back to you on that one.
So, they go off to some place in Africa. I think it is Lagos, but it might be Rabat. Hell, it might be Brooklyn. This time, lots of dark people die. More shit blows up. Explosions. Gunfire. Boom. Fire. Boom. Gunfire. Boom. Boom. Boom. Ten more minutes and probably $10 million gone in production costs. Still — NO FUCKING PLOT.
It’s 45 minutes into the movie and Marieta and I look at each other like two porks stuck in a sausage factory barreling down the chute towards the sledgehammer.
STILL NO CLUE AS TO WHO DI CAPRIO WORKS FOR OR WHAT HE IS GOING. 45 minutes into the film!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Di Caprio then goes to New York and engages in several minutes of high speed chase scenes. Boom. Explosion. Boom. Gunfire. Boom. Boom. Boom. Ten more minutes and ten million more dollars into the Warner Studios shitter.
Of course, everyone in the movie is wearing $6,000 Armani suits and we have not got a clue as to who is paying the drying cleaning bills.
At some point, we are lead to believe all of this nonsense is a dream. So now, we realize most of what we have wasted one hour of our lives watching and $30 of our hard earned cash is not real. Which begs the broader question — if I if not give a flying rats ass before, WHY DO I FUCKING CARE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another scene comes where some rich kid is supposed to inherit a lot of money. I think this one is in New York. I saw a blue and white license plate. That’s about the only visual I got. Then, the young man is flying first class and gets drugged by Di Caprio. Then, they all try to make him have a dream. I guess this is what INCEPTION means. To force someone to have a certain dream. I’m too fucking lazy to Google it, right now. Watching a movie should not require the viewer to have a Blackberry with Wikipedia page opened for reference.
I know. If you think this review is disjoined, you should try and follow the actual movie.
Bunch more scenes of car chases. Gunfire. Explosions. Fire. People we do not know — die. Lots of people die. Boom! Boom! Boom!
Enjoying the movie yet?
If I was not stuck sitting in center aisle and simply baffled beyond batshit that this movie had to end up going somewhere, I mean ANYWHERE, I would have crawled over broken glass and across Kyrgistan to get out of that fucking theatre. I would also have demanded to speak to the manager to voice a complaint.
But I must admit, my morbid curiosity now had the best of me. I’ve seen two drunks in a barfight spew better dialogue that appeared in this film.
So, where were we?
Oh yeah, the 18th car crash and 892nd dead body of someone we don’t give a shit about.
Next scene, jumps from Manhattan to the Swiss Alps.
Why?
Uhhhhhh, let me get back to you on that one, once I figure out what’s going on. Motherfucking editor must have been doing triple mushrooms when he should have been doing his fucking job.
I also have no idea who is bankrolling this entire operation. He must have one hell of a credit line at Citi.
So, Di Caprio and Juno and some English guys are all in the Alps storming a fortress. All with high powered scopes and sniper rifles. Imagine an updated 20 minutes of “Where Eagles Dare.” Machine guns. Explosions. Lots of security guys and army personnel blown away.
Di Caprio and Juno storm the snowmassed fortress, and the rich kid is suddenly there too. Remember the rich kid? He’s the one character that is supposedly going to tie this train wreck of a charade all together. His daddy did not love him it seems (and passed away), but is still going to leave him with like $100 billion and the family empire. But blueblood sonny boy wants more than that. He wants daddy’s love.
Oh brother.
Wait. There’s more madness.
Chow Fat Sun is there too, in a white alpine outfit, shooting a machine gun. Shooting at the bad guys. What bad guys? Uhhhhhhhhh, I guess they are bad guys. After all, Di Caprio is the good guy, right? He must be the good guy. He’s with Juno.
So, the fortress falls and there’s a giant safe inside. Imagine a James Bond scene with no fucking plot and a scenario that is actually NOT believable, that this pretty much sums up the last stages of the movie.
Next scene is a white van crashing off the side of the Tappan Zee bridge and going into the river. Di Caprio and Juno are in the van also. Pretty amazing. They were in the alps killing bad buys, and now they are in an upside down white passenger van tumbling off a bridge plunging to certain death.
Not sure what happened next. I blinked. Maybe that’s where the entire story came together.
Then, we see Fat Chow Sun sitting at a table as an old man. He’s like 80. Di Caprio has not aged.
Cliffnotes, please?
Next scene shows Di Caprio getting off a plane in Los Angeles. He gets met at the airport by his father (stepfather? — who the fuck knows) — which is Michael Caine. They go to Di Caprio’s home where there are two children playing in the yard.
Di Caprio spins a tiny toy top on the dining room table. Fade out. Screen black. END OF MOVIE.
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT
THHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK
I know what happened. Everyone thinks Chris Nolan is a genius. Memento was indeed a good movie, but now everyone thinks the motherfucker can tango across Niagara Falls. Fucker can’t do shit. He especially can’t write a script.
How on the fuck can they budget $100 million, get Di Caprio to star, get the best special effects people on the planet and CAN’T GET A SINGLE UNDERSTANDABLE PAGE OF SCRIPT??????
The only violence I would have liked to have seen after nearly three hours of pointless gunfire, explosions, and absolute mayhem in the form of induced dreams, would have been someone in the theatre taking a baseball bat to the film projector.
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK.
That would have been something to celebrate. I would have given that five stars and a standing ovation.
What an awful film.
RATING: ZERO STARS (OUT OF FIVE)
To quote the great Jim Morrison….. “Leonardo eats more chicken than any man ever seen. “( And quality too, that lucky SOB)
Thank you for making a point that the vacuous cretins in Hollywood apparently are incapable of understanding, namely that not everything a person directs will be awe-inspiring simply because one of his/her projects was worthy of note.
Terrence Malick is a classic example. The superficial movie industry swine nominated his Tree of Life — TREE OF LIFE! — for a Best Picture Oscar. This “film” makes Inception look like a masterwork. Malick should be required to pay punitive damages to anyone who sat through more than 15 minutes of the movie, yet Hollywood nominated it for an Academy Award. It is proof that the members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences are not only sycophantic zeroes but sycophantic zeroes who are not opposed to ingesting industrial strength psychotropic drugs prior to inserting their noses directly into their messiahs’ asses.
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