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Posted by on Jan 25, 2019 in Blog, Essays, Personal | 6 comments

More Morsels of My Madness

 

 

More original snippets of crazy stuff that popped into my head:

[1]   It’s been announced Gladys Knight will sing the National Anthem at this year’s Super Bowl, to be played in Atlanta.  No word yet on if she’s taking the Midnight Train to Georgia.

[2]   How come a psychic has never won the Powerball jackpot?

[3]   If you can’t remember why you blocked someone on Facebook or Twitter, does that render the block null and void?

[4]   Why does the person who talks the most always have the least interesting shit to say?

[5]   I don’t want to come across as an elitist, but goddamnit I’m sick of the masses.

[6]   Can we please end all the senseless polls and rigged elections?  Just ask me what we should do, who we should kill, and who should get all the money.  I’ll be glad to handle the details.

[7]   The greatest product packaging in all of human history is that honey inside the little plastic bear.  Whoever invented that bear was a genius.  When I was a kid, I always used to lick the cap.  I still want to do that each time I see honey bear in the store.  But since there usually are people around, I can’t lick but a few.

[8]   I refuse to watch any sideline reporters at football games unless somehow Suzy Kolber interviews Joe Namath again.  Then, I want to be sure the record button is set.

[9]   Joe Namath once famously said, “I like my women-blond….and my Johnny Walker-Red.”  How insulting.  Seriously, what an insulting comment.  Anyone who knows anything whatsoever about scotch knows Johnny Walker-Black is much smoother than Red.

[10]   Thank goodness for drunkenness, adultery, and lots of broke people who are miserable.  Otherwise, there wouldn’t be any blues music.

[11]   I just watched The Godfather backwards.  SPOILER ALERT:  It’s a fairy tale story of a nice young Italian-American boy who saves several lives, brings his father back from the dead, and then attends his sister’s wedding at the end.

[12]   Living in Las Vegas really does alter one’s perceptions of space and time.  My goal now is to live long enough to see The Venetian get imploded.

[13]   Yeah, I know it’s the correct strategy, but I can’t stand those jerks on The Price is Right who go last and bid “$901” after the previous guy bid “$900.”  Fuck them.

[14]   Recently, I watched my dog bend down then and start wildly licking his balls.  Mildly curious about what the sensation might be like, I decided to see if I could do that.  Big mistake. Damn dog bit me.

[15]   Okay, so #14 isn’t true.  The dog didn’t really bite me.

[16]   Led Zepellin really should reunite and write a new song for atheists.  They could call it “Stairway to Worm Food.”

[17]   The unintended downside of removing Trump from office is that every other Republican afterward is going to seem remarkably sane and smart.

[18]  If Michael Moore approaches and then starts complimenting you on the clothes you’re wearing, should that really be taken as encouraging?

[19]   At least the people who tuck their life savings into a mattress have something of tangible value.  Cryptocurrencies are like blowing hot air into an empty mattress and then calling it money.

[20]   The dumbest, rudest, most incompetent bank manager in the entire world answers the phone at Wells Fargo Bank-Summerlin and his direct number is (702) 654-6860.  Should you doubt me on this, call (702) 654-6860 and tell him you want to cash a check for $20,000.  I’m willing to bet that he’ll snap-ass cold hang up on you, just like he did to me.  Gee, I’d hate to see the number (702) 654-6860 get all blown up, but if you do decide to call (702) 654-6860, ask for the jackass bank manager on the afternoon shift, to see if I’m right.  This has been bothering me for quite some time.  Oh, and just in case you forgot, the number is (702) 654-6860.

____________

 

6 Comments

  1. An article describing banking scandals at WF just since 2015:
    https://finance.yahoo.com/news/every-wells-fargo-consumer-scandal-since-2015-timeline-194946222.html

    This doesn’t even address the mortgage scandals in the 2000s or the First Interstate merger debacle in the 1990s, and this only scratches the surface. It’s hard for me to feel sorry for anyone who still has money in that cesspool when something doesn’t go well. Seriously, knowing what we know now, why would anyone do business with them if they have a choice in the matter?

  2. #13 The Price Is Right. More annoying to me is when the third person bids $901, leaving the last to bid $902. I’ve thought about this before. How about a $50 limit to the next bid? If someone bids $900 the next allowable bid is $950. Or everyone bids in secret. Not sure how to handle duplicate bids.

  3. This was hilarious! Makes me want to do one 🙂

  4. #14. Do u know why animals lick their crotches?
    Because they can.

  5. Re:7 We’ve raised several orphaned racoon kits up to the age they could survive on thier own. The formula we use while they are still nursing is a mixture of milk, honey and grahm crackers. The ideal nursing bottle is one of those honey bears.

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