On Religion: What Would the Media Say?
What if the modern media were around in ancient times?
Let’s say CNN, the Associated Press, 60 Minutes, and the Chicago Tribune were around hundreds of years ago and did the same kinds of news features. How might today’s media have reported on important events in history, way back then?
Imagine what the news would have been like had the media been around to cover critical moments in history when Judaism, Christianity, and Islam first began? How about a news report on Galileo standing up to the Catholic Church in favor of science? How might the media have reported on the news of the day?
Let’s take a look:
Workers Strike Finally Ends, Egyptian Economy Faces Uncertainty
Cairo (1,251 B.C.) — Today the Egyptian economy was thrown into chaos when a majority of the nation’s labor force walked off their jobs. Many ex-workers vowed to depart the country immediately.
Thousands of well-organized union workers calling themselves the “Children of Abraham” gathered outside central Cairo on Monday in order to receive the latest instructions from the strike’s controversial leader, named Moses. The non-violent gathering, which turned into a celebration, marked the end of a long standoff between workers and the Egyptian government, led by Ramses II, otherwise known as “Pharaoh.”
“We’re outta’ here,” Moses told his cheering crowd supporters. “Pack up your stuff. We’ve got places to go and people to see.”
The revolt and mass exodus outraged several Egyptian leaders, including Ramses II. In a hastily-called press conference near Pyramid City, the Pharaoh made the following official statement:
“What do they want from us? We give them all room and board. Free food. Holidays off. I don’t know how we could have been more accommodating. As for thanks, Moses turned the Nile River into blood and killed off all the firstborn of Egypt. Hey, I realize it’s no picnic being a slave and all, but this is the gratitude we get?”
When asked where the “Children of Abraham” will all eventually end up, Moses answered confidently.
“Florida,” he said.
Deranged Man Claiming to be ‘Son of God’ Found Guilty
Jerusalem (32 A.D.) — A mentally-ill man was tried and sentenced today in municipal court. He was found guilty on one count of disturbing the peace and another count of treason against the Roman Occupational Authority. The charges stemmed from an incident on Saturday morning when the accused entered The Temple and created a near-riot at the weekly flea market. Several tables were overturned and merchants were accosted.
The 32-year-old man, named Jesus Christ, is originally from the town of Nazareth. According to official records, he’s unmarried and has no children. He’s believed to be homeless. Christ showed no remorse as he was led into court to face Gov. Pontius Pilate and a jury of other Roman officials.
“My kingdom is not from this world,” Christ said defiantly during testimony on his own behalf. “If my kingdom were from this world, my servants would fight to prevent me being handed over to the authorities. But now my kingdom is not from here.”
Remarks from the accused created confusion.
“What the hell is he saying?” Pilate asked those around him. “His kingdom? His servants? Wow, this man needs some serious help.”
Following the 15-minute trial, Christ was immediately led out of the courtroom. His fate remains uncertain. Moments afterward, another trial began with a man named Barabbas accused of thievery.
“No one will ever remember that Jesus guy,” Pilate said as he left the court building. “The Roman Empire will stand for thousands of years. Jesus, what’s-his-name again? See — I’ve forgotten his name already.”
Child Molester Hopes to Become Catalyst for World Peace
Mecca (630 A.D.) — Abu al-Qasim Muhammad, a community activist hoping to unite the peoples of the Arabian Peninsula, made an important proclamation today. He vowed to start a new religion dedicated to tolerance and world peace.
The former merchant and shepherd from Mecca claimed that he received a mysterious visit by an angel named “Gabriel” who instructed him to start his new movement and then travel throughout the Middle East and beyond to spread his version of the gospel, known as the Koran. Recent appearances have generated big crowds in towns and cities, leading some to believe his religion might catch on.
However, Muhammad does carry some personal baggage.
For one thing, it’s undetermined how Muhmmad managed to actually write the Koran. All indications are that Muhammad is illiterate, leading some critics to believe he made the whole thing up.
But things went from bad to worse for Muhammad when he was suspected of committing child molestation. Record show when Muhammad was 49, he asked permission to marry a 6-year-old girl when she came “of age.” Three years later, the couple married and the relationship was consummated. The girl was unavailable for comment because women are forbidden to speak in what’s known as “Islamic culture.”
The so-called “prophet” is rumored to have taken other young girls as wives, causing some to wonder if he can survive the scandal. When pressed in recent interviews, Muhammad has refused to answer questions about the controversy, calling it “a private matter.”
“We’re a movement of tolerance,” Muhammad said. “I can see our new religion creating world peace for the next two-thousand years.”
Respected Alchemist Goes Mad, Insists Earth Revolves Around the Sun
Milan (1640 A.D.) — A noted alchemist went certifiably insane today when he insisted the earth revolves around the sun.
Galileo Galilei, 72, made his bold pronouncement in front of the College of Cardinals, who were gathered for their popular spring conference at the Cathedral of Milano. Following the heavenly body’s ex-communication of 2,839 citizens of the Holy Roman Empire and pronouncement of the standard penalty that each is tortured and then burned at the stake, Galilei entered the conference hall and took a seat before the saintly Cardinals.
Despite all the clear evidence the sun rises and descends over the horizon, Galilei insisted it’s actually the reverse. He believes the earth rotates around the sun, a cycle that takes about 365 days, he says.
Virtually all who gathered remained unconvinced, even though the heretic’s presentation did seem to make a lot of sense at times, especially when actual science was cited rather than the Bible. Several of the men of science — who just so happen to also be church officials — were wildly amused by Galilei’s assertions.
“That crazy GG! When he’s on, he’s a riot,” howled Flaminoco Avellano, after watching the performance. “Next thing you know, he’ll be trying to tell us the world is round. The guy should have his own show at the Palladium. What a character!”
However, not everyone was as amused. Some of the Cardinals demanded that the award-winning alchemist be charged and tried immediately for the crime of sedition for challenging the high moral and scientific authority of the church. His fate remains yet undermined.
Following the hearings, the priests were entertained by a large boy’s choir. The festivities carried on late into the night.
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Christian Right and Free Speech
Galileo wasn’t an alchemist (to my knowledge.) I suspect you’re thinking of Isaac Newton, who was. Also, by the 1600s everyone, even the Church, accepted that the world was round, although heliocentrism was a tougher sell. (Actually, in the western scientific community, it was known that the Earth was round as early as the 6th century BCE. The bit about folks being worried that Columbus would sail off the edge was not a real concern. Only the contemporary equivalent of Fox News and the Wall Street Journal might have reported it that way.)
Actually, in many ways the press of today is a throwback to the reporting of years gone by. If Suetonius were alive today, I can totally believe him reporting in the “Lives of American Presidents” something like the following: “While no hard evidence of scandal touched his Presidency, some say that he was a secret Muslim, did not meet the citizenship requirements for the office of President, played a role in covering up the death of an American ambassador in Benghazi, and used the IRS to target conservative political groups, along with the stain of other scandals.” He’d fit right in with certain less scrupulous present-day agenda-driven media groups.