Will Kenny Rogers Please Learn How to Play Hold’em?

Despite being the game’s most iconic marketeer, apparently, Kenny Rogers has no clue how to play Texas Hold’em.

After so many years, one would expect Kenny Rogers to knows how to play Texas Hold’em.

But the singer of “The Gambler” apparently still has no idea Hold’em is a poker game where each player holds two cards.

Not five cards.  Two.

Rogers appears in a Geico (auto insurance) commercial which is quite funny.  He sings the familiar chorus every poker player knows — “You got to know when to hold ’em, and when to fold’em….” — much to the annoyance of everyone else sitting at the table who has already heard this croner a thousand times.  Credit the creative writer of the spot, in which Rogers parodies himself for what’s probably a much-needed paycheck after countless divorces all whilst his chicken franchises ended up in the deep fryer.

What’s pull-your-hair-out disturbing about the TV commercial is that — yet once again — whoever filmed the advertisement obviously didn’t know jack shit about poker.  Couldn’t the producer hire a special consultant for a couple of hundred dollars off of Craig’s List to instruct the actors how to properly hold their cards?  Just look at them!  The way these clowns are holding their hands so casually, anyone in the room can peak at the cards and destroy the clueless victim.

Moreover, what’s with five cards being dealt out?  The only major game played in casual circles I can think of there players start with five cards is so far gone that it’s become the dinosaur of poker (I seriously doubt the boys here are playing Triple-Draw Lowball).  Please tell me, who in the hell plays Five-Card Draw these days?  If Rogers is going to sing about knowing “when to hold ’em,” shouldn’t that be the game that’s being dealt?

During this fiasco, what did Rogers do while on the set?  Apparently, nothing.  Instead, shouldn’t he have refused to go along with what amounts to a total fucking farce?  Why didn’t Rogers jump up and say, “Hey, my reputation is on the line here — let’s play Hold’em,” since that’s the game I’m singing about.  Not five-card draw which is about irrelevant as another book by Bill O’Reilly.

But that’s not the worst part of it.  Nothing screams FAKE!!! worse than seeing the clueless Rogers and the other player-actors competing for what amounts to absolutely nothing.  Except for pretzels, perhaps.  Did anyone notice something strange about this game?  Where’s the cash?  Where are the poker chips?  Couldn’t someone from the spoof run over to the nearest CVS before shooting, and buy a $15 set of poker chips?  Where is Rogers’ stack?  He doesn’t even have any chips.  He has pretzels.

“I’ll see your two pretzels, and raise you a Slim Jim.”

Obviously, poor Kenny Rogers apparently doesn’t know when to hold’em, nor when to fold’em.  Nevertheless, here’s some solid advice:  He should just walk away.  And, he should run.

Where are the chips?

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