Fucked Again by the Scrubs

Did you see that second half of the Washington Redskins-Cleveland Browns pre-season game?  It was shown tonight on Monday Night Football.

Well I, sure as shit, did.

And I took a telephone pole in the ass beast of an assfuck on a game I capped perfectly.

Listen to this.

I had the “UNDER 42” on a game where the score with a minute left in the second quarter was 3-0.

Three to fucking nothing!

Like I said — my capping was a work of art.  They should be building monuments.

I got the golden UNDER 42 where both teams had a combined 160 yards of offense in the entire first half.  And that was with the starters.  Grass field.  Humid night.  Perfect situation.  Second half — enter the scrubs.  If I could have quadrupled my bet at that point to get whatever I could down on the game to roll under.  This game wasn’t a lock.  It was a chastity belt on a 500-pound crazy bitch.

Locked money.

I didn’t even bother watching the second half, because that would have interfered with my consumption of Old Fashioneds (the best I’ve tasted in ten years here in New York) intermingled with Duvals, the wonderful lager from Belgium.  Might as well cel-e-brate.  Drinks on me, boys!

Monday night party time!

Well, wouldn’t you know it?  A bunch of scrubs from ballbuster U come in and gang bangs my money like a stale sweet roll tossed onto a starving anthill.

The second half gets underway.  Bang!  Bang!  Bang!  Bang!  Touchdown!  Touchdown!  Touchdown!  Touchdown!

What the fuck!  What the fuck!  What the fuck!  What the fuck!

Now, I’m sweating bullets. Quit worrying.  Still, about 9 minutes left in the game and I can still give up 10 and lock up the win.  The way this game is playing out, it should land right on 41.  Anyone who bets NFL totals will understand this.  The rest of you — you wouldn’t understand.  Perhaps three total possessions left.  That’s it.  I can give up a score or two, and still dance the tango all the way to the winners’ window.

I remind you again — a bunch of stragglers from free agent state and Mickey Mouse Tech is getting their last chance to wear an NFL uniform.  Most of them are going to be working in warehouses or doing crack on the graveyard shift at Whataburger a year from now.  They are not NFL-caliber players.  If they hike the ball and gain yardage, that’s progress.  Both coaches just want to get out of dodge and avoid injuries.

Of course, both teams suddenly turn into the 1984 San Diego Chargers on steroids.

Washington scores very late, making the game score 24-17.  Okay, I think to myself, so the money I won tonight wasn’t easy.  But some sweat does spice up and make cashing the ticket a little sweeter.

Three seconds left in the game.  Three prickly seconds.  Cleveland Browns have the ball at midfield.  Time for one more play.

I’m sitting there, charming my guests — not even paying attention.

Suddenly, Todd Anderson shrieks out an “oh shit” just as the television screen flashes to some scrub-ass clown of a wide receiver who probably screwed my money in college too, who miraculously tips the ball to a tight end who comes down with a shrapnel catch of the football that makes the final score 24-23….busting my UNDER in the ass with an unspoken “fuck you” to every UNDER ticket in America.

Just brutal.  So wrong.  Injustice.  Fuck me.

Gee, I can’t wait to get to the real pros.  Fuck these scrubs.  I’m ready for some real football.

That leaves me only one option.  Next week in NFL Pre-Season Week 3, I am betting EVERY SINGLE GAME UNDER THE TOTAL (O/U must be 37 or higher).  Trust me.  If you want to make money, you’ll listen.

There’s only one thing to remember:  Don’t blame me if the scrubs fuck it all up.

Postscript:  Yes, I am betting every single NFL game UNDER in Week 3 of the preseason.  Then, I shall double the bet on Week 4 if I somehow lose money in pre-season Week 3.  Quit sitting on the fence and listen.  I know what I’m doing.