Dear England: “We apologize.” — Signed, America
You deserve much better than this. You really do.
You once gave America greatness. You shipped us your icons. You gave us the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and the Who. We returned the favor by sending you the Miami Dolphins, Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders, and Jacksonville Jaguars.
Talk about getting shafted! Somebody in this exchange got screwed royally, and it has nothing to do with your old blue-haired Queen. By the way, is she still alive?
Today, we shipped you the dregs of the National Football League — Jacksonville and Buffalo. I know. It’s mind boggling. Unforgivable, even. Hopefully, the NFL prepared you for this awful occasion. Barf bags should be attached to the back of every seat at Wembley Stadium, you know, just like on discount airlines. Given the way Bills’ quarterback E.J. Manuel is playing this season, they’re going to be filled up by halftime. Last time I checked, Buffalo was losing 27-3. It’s worse than Riverdance. Call it a double-bagger.
I know — you’ve been tortured enough, already. Today’s game comes on the brink of the previous NFL match up in London just a few weeks ago when the NY Jets defeated Miami by double digits in a snooze fest. Thank goodness the betting total was up in the air until the final closing minute. Otherwise, there would have been a stampede for the exits by end of the third quarter. The Dolphins played so badly the head coach was fired immediately after the game. Rumor has it he was given a bus ticket back to the United States.
Last year, the games we shipped over to you were these two gems — Oakland vs. Miami and Atlanta vs. Detroit. Speaking of barf bags, whoever’s got the contract must be making a killing with the “NFL in London” program.
Oh, one more thing. You’re misery isn’t quite over yet. The torture shall continue. America is about to send you yet another king clunker. Next week, you get persecuted with Detroit playing Kansas City, which are two horrid teams with combined win-loss records of 2-10. Wow. Way to go, NFL! Give these poor people in England a break!
Despite its institutionalized greed and shadiness, in spite of its ceaseless lies and grotesque hypocrisies, the NFL as a packaged product, is actually much better than this. It’s better in America that you are seeing in England. But you certainly wouldn’t know it by the residue toxic waste we’re sending you labeled as “professional football.”
We’re so sorry. Please forgive us.
The American People