The only thing worse than flying, is flying during the holiday season.
Seriously, could air travel be any less glamorous?
When I was a kid, I remember people used to get dressed up when they traveled by air. Fliers were polite. No one ever seemed to be in a rush. The seats were comfortable. There was plenty of leg room. The airlines served you a hot meal and it tasted good. Alcoholic beverages were free. You never paid additional charges and your luggage arrived on time. When there was a flight delay, the airline apologized and even put you up in a first-class hotel, when necessary.
Now, boarding a plane is pretty much like getting on a Greyhound bus — only with wings.
Flying is constant battle. You battle to find a decent fare. You battle to get a good seat assignment. You battle to get to the airport on time — at least two hours early. You battle to run the gauntlet through TSA screening without being strip searched. You battle to get into the right boarding group. You battle for precious overhead bin space. You battle for the armrest. You battle for peace and quiet during the flight. You battle to depart your row so as to exit the aircraft. You battle to claim your luggage. Then, once you’re out of the airport, you battle to get a taxi or a rental car.
Indeed, if flying has become a serious of battles, then I’m hereby declaring war!
NOLAN DALLA’S FLYING ENEMIES LIST
1. BIN HOGS — I realize the airlines now try to pork you for $30 per checked bag each way. But carry on abuse has become intolerable. Now, jackasses are hauling 50-pound suitcases down the aisles. Then, they heave the bone crushers into a tiny overhead bin space intended to be a storage area for purses and coats. I’m so sick of seeing these selfish pricks usurping every inch of storage space with bags the size of a Great Dane. It’s time for airlines to start enforcing carry-on size rules.
2. ARM REST THUGS — I paid the same $389 fare you did. So, move your fucking body part off my half of the arm rest. You’re not sitting at home in a Lazy Boy parked in front of the television. You’re in public. Try to act like a responsible adult.
3. BORING CONVERSATIONALISTS — I don’t want to hear your life story. I don’t want to hear your personal problems. I don’t give a rat’s ass what happened to you last week in Cleveland. I don’t care what your opinion is of the Redskins-Cowboys game. You’re on a cheap Southwest Airline flight just like me, pal. You’re not a guest on The David Letterman Show. Zip it.
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