An Early Look at the Democratic Presidential Field
The 2020 presidential campaign started on November 9, 2016.
That’s the morning after the utterly unthinkable happened when an antediluvian mechanism known as the electoral college anointed an infantile reality television star to be the 45th President of the United States, this anomaly despite losing the popular vote to a pantsuited ragdoll by a whopping 2,915,391 ballots — all of which alleged to be cast by MS-13 gang members who usually hang out in the parking lot at Home Depot.
And now, here were are.
Elizabeth Warren was the first Democrat to announce her candidacy. She’s an ultra-liberal senator from Massachusetts. That makes her sort of like all the Kennedys — sans any of the charisma, the funny accents, and the car crashes. Warren is the darling of progressives. She’s right, err I mean “Left” on every major issue. Indeed, I love Warren’s politics. Hey, if we were electing someone the local PTA President, Warren would win in a landslide. Trouble is, she’s presumably running against Donald J. Trump, assuming that he’s not dragged out of the White House kicking and screaming while tweeting in handcuffs. Not that I’ve been to any dogfights recently, but that’s sort of like tossing a fresh-groomed poodle into the kill pit against a rabid Rottweiler. If somehow she gets the nomination, prepare to massively overdose on “Pocahontas” references. Yes, Liz Warren would make a terrific president. But she’s likely to be a terrible candidate. I hope she proves me wrong.
Kirsten Gillibrand announced her candidacy in front of millions of viewers watching on television and a packed auditorium full of screaming fans. Too bad all those were present to see a live performance by Blink 182. But hey, when your public profile is like 3 percent, your ride coattails where and when you find them. I don’t want to say Gillibrand lacks name identity, but I keep having to look up how in the hell to spell “G-I-L-L-I-B-R-A-N-D.” The junior New York senator took the seat once held by Hillary Clinton. Those aren’t exactly encouraging footsteps, sort of like following tracks in a snowstorm and seeing them lead off a giant cliff and into the abyss. In her favor, Sen. Gillibrand (I got it right this time without looking it up — it’s TWO “Ls”) may have some appeal to moderates, since she’s been accused of being way too conservative in the past. Her middle of the road (i.e. pro-Wall Street) sell-out act might work in a general election but won’t win much support in Democratic primaries where conservative positions on anything are about as welcome as Charles Murray speaking at Middlebury. Maybe if Gillibrand announces Blink 182 as her running mate early on, that’s her ticket to victory.
Julian Castro joined the race recently. Imagine if America actually elects someone with the last name “Castro.” Wouldn’t that be amazing? Viva la revolution! Hey, we already elected a guy with the middle name “Hussein.” Twice. So, perhaps we’re past all the prejudice stuff about incendiary names. So far, I’m impressed by what little I’ve seen from Castro, who was Hussein’s former Secretary of H.U.D. But let that sink in for a moment. Secretary of H.U.D. Wow. That sort of makes him into the Ben Carson of the Democratic Party, only without the crazy cuckoo’s nest and the Black Jesus portraits hanging in his living room. Seems like a premature jump for a former city mayor and unassuming cabinet secretary to be taken seriously as a major presidential candidate. Castro should feather his political nest first before making the big leap. Try starring in an unwatchable reality TV show, filing multiple bankruptcies, and paying off porn stars. Then, he’ll be all set to go — and win based on recent history.
Tulsi Gabbard became the third woman to announce her candidacy, which is a great thing. I say, let’s declare “affirmative action” on all forms of advancement, including the presidency. That means the next 45 presidents should be female. Sorry, old White guys — you had your shot and fucked it up. Time to move aside. Let someone else rule. I’m perfectly fine with this so long as there’s also a special Sarah Palin Amendment stating she doesn’t qualify. Sort of like an insurance policy rider when they bring up a pre-existing condition. Anyway, back to Rep. Tulsi Gabbard, the former combat veteran and current congresswoman from Hawaii. I’m not sure the country is ready yet for a president who claims to be born in Hawaii, which really shouldn’t be part of the United States. A president born in Hawaii? Puuuhleeeeze. I totally missed her “big” announcement since it was held in the city of Honolulu on a beach, which means it was like 3 am here in the real United States. There’s also the “Tulsi” thing. Are we really ready for a president named “Tulsi?”
Kamala Harris appears to be the rising rock star in the field of candidates who have announced, so far. She double clicks most of the key boxes on what Democrats want in a viable candidate. She’s sensitive — but tough. Left — but a little Right. Young — but old enough. Kinda’ Black — but not scary-ass Stokely Charmichael Black [if you’re offended by that, post hateful responses in the Comments section — thanks]. Harris will be the candidate to beat among the five currently in the race. A sitting U.S. Senator from the most populous state in the country, easily able to raise campaign money, boosted by what’s already a national profile — these factors provide obvious advantages. Her law and order background as California’s Attorney General could hurt her among the Democratic base, but would also be appealing to pro-law enforcement moderates and independents (all the indecisive idiots still somehow on the political fence). And one more thing: So long as “Tulsi” stays in the race, no one will make much fun of the name “Kamala.”
Coming Up: A look at the (undeclared) presumptive Democratic nominees.