So, 715 New Planets Were Just Discovered (What’s the Big Deal?)

They just announced the discovery of 715 new planets.

This doesn’t mean the planets are actually new.  Only that we didn’t know about them before.  So, they’re new to us.  Here’s a direct link to the news story: CLICK HERE

Okay, I read it.  And frankly, I don’t understand what’s the big deal.  I could have told them there were a bunch of planets out there, totally for free.  Just look up in the sky.  Had they asked my opinion, they could have saved a ton of tax dollars and endowment money paying all those expensive people salaries who spend all their time looking up at the sky.  Some job, huh?  Those fancy scientists should have been doing other stuff with their time, like looking for UFOs.

Speaking of UFOs, I’ve figured out why aliens are here.  It’s obvious.  They’re looking for sandwiches.  A slice of pizza.  A bag of peanuts.  Anything — just so long as they can eat something.  You don’t believe me?  Check them out.  Look at their bodies.  Admit it.  Have you ever an alien that looked healthy?  You ever a fit and muscular alien?  Hell no!  Every one of those creatures has an 18-inch waist and pale skin.  They don’t eat well.  They don’t have suntans.  They look like shit.

You’d think that if these people were so scientifically advanced, at least they’d know how to grill a cheeseburger.  And we’re supposed to get guidance from them?  No, thanks.  After taking one look, I think I’ll stay here on planet earth and enjoy a greasy bucket of KFC — thank you very much.

So, now these scientists who all think they’re so smart to say they’ve discovered a total of 715 new planets.  How do they know?  Those lights up in the sky all look the same to me.  How would they know a star from a planet?  Half of those lights could be airplanes for all we know.  What I really suspect is happening is this — they’re throwing darts and making stuff up.  That’s because they know no one else is capable of challenging what they claim.  What’s someone going to say — the scientists are wrong, there are only 620 new planets?  Who can you believe?

The arrogance doesn’t end there.  They even claim the ability to predict how far away some of these stars are, and which galaxy they’re located in.  Sorry, but I’m calling bullshit here.  I can’t even get my GPS to work half the time.  There’s no way some nerd dressed in a white lab coat looking into a telescope a few minutes a day is going to tell me there are 715 new planets out there.  Besides, what have these scientists been doing for the last 45 years since they staged that fake moon landing?  Shouldn’t they have identified those planets a hell of a lot sooner?  What happened, did they just now all magically appear?  Somebody must be sleeping on the job.

You can guess what’s coming next after this major announcement was made.  These scientists want more money.  For what?  To hang out and drink coffee around the giant telescope in order to find more planets?  Why!  We can barely handle the planets we’ve already got.  Come to think of it, we can’t even handle one planet — our own.  Do we really want to be taking on more of the universe’s problems?  I mean — 715 planets or 715,000 planets?  What’s the difference?  How’s that going to put cheap gas in my car?  Or sack the quarterback of the team I bet against so I can cover the spread?

Hey, try this.  How about actually doing something useful — like creating a cure for a tequila hangover?  Or making it where my cell phone calls don’t get dropped in mid-sentence.  How about curing the stuff here on earth before tackling what’s going on with Mars and Venus?  At the very least scientists should be capturing UFOs and talking to the aliens, by now.

Someone needs to do a serious audit on these guys.  They spend years locked away inside observatories staring at stars and planets all day and night, and this is what we finally get after all that so-called “research?”  We learn there are 715 new planets that aren’t anywhere close to us, and no one cares about it?

I think planets are overrated.  Way overrated.  Just look at the eight right here in our solar system.  Some scientists still can’t even decide if Pluto is a planet, or not.  They’re nothing but balls of fire, gas, and rock — stuff no one needs.  They’re totally worthless.  If there’s no gold or diamonds on the planet, what’s the point of worrying about it?  Leave it alone.  It’s not going anywhere.

Prediction:  In a few more years, they’ll announce the discovery of another 500 planets.  Or a thousand.  Whatever.  So long a Spirit Airlines isn’t flying there, I don’t give a shit.

I don’t like planets.  I think we should stop wasting time worrying about them.