Video Poker Vasectomy
You can find video poker machines at some mighty strange places here in Las Vegas.
Video poker can be played at local bars and restaurants. You can also try your luck at grocery stores and even gas stations. Only in Las Vegas might a loaf of bread and gallon of milk end up costing $500.
Now, add hospitals to the list of predators.
Not content with bankrupting sick patients, overcharging insurance companies, and ripping off the government, at least one major Las Vegas hospital is about to plunge full steam ahead into the casino business.
Oh shit, I missed my straight flush draw. Code Blue in the waiting room!
The hospital even paraded out a mental health “expert” to the curious media, who defended the unusual practice of installing video poker machines inside the facility’s rehab center. Despite video poker having all the health benefits of watching television while scarfing down a bag of Ruffles, the “expert” professed that playing video poker stimulates the brain’s prefrontal cortex.
See you later — I’m off to get my prefrontal cortex stimulated.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m all for legalized gambling. I even support some forms of so-called convenience gambling, which means offering easier public access to various forms of wagering — particularly live poker and sports wagering.
However, shouldn’t we be drawing the lines somewhere? What next — craps tables at the funeral parlor? Come to think of it, those padded wooden caskets might serve a remarkable duel function. Seven out! Line away!
At a time when just about every big casino on the Las Vegas Strip is grabbing gamblers by the ankles, turning us upside down, and shaking us like wilted rag dolls until every last nickel has spilled out onto the floor, the very last thing this town needs is another rigged game with a 10 percent house advantage. Everyone’s involved in larceny now. Even the Mormons, who own many of the supermarket chains with the worst video poker payouts on the planet, are in on the heist. Why would we expect anything less from greedy hospitals who basically wrote the “how to” book on fleecing?
So, how did your annual physical go? Well, there’s bad news and good news: I just got diagnosed with herpes. But I hit a royal flush!
With all the talk about Trumpcare recently, the notion of video poker machines flashing and ringing inside hospitals does give an entirely new meaning to reaching one’s deductible. Gee, I wonder if I go on tilt and blow a grand in the Deuces Wild machine — will that apply to my annual out-of-pocket? Can I get my 80-20 co-pay reimbursement on that brutal session of Double-Double Bonus?
That machine next to the urology center doesn’t pay out worth a damn!
Unfazed by criticism, one therapist at the local hospital which is scheduled to introduce Clark County’s first video poker machine offered up a novel idea as to how gamblers might multi-task during a playing session. By the way, my dear readers — I’m not making this up. The therapist really suggested this. And I quote:
“We can also have them put wrist weights on, and they’re playing for a whole 15 minutes (a session),” she said. “It can get you tired after doing it for 15 minutes.”
What? Huh? Seriously? Weights on wrists while playing video poker? Those hospital patients are going to come out of therapy looking like The Rock on steroids.
Since the cat’s now out of the money bag when it comes to unbridled greed, pretty soon hospitals are likely be looking for even more creative ways to expand their video poker profits. Just think of the possibilities: Hospital rooms. Diagnostic centers. Ambulances.
[Siren at traffic intersection] Watch out for that ambulance with the flashing red and blue lights! Ahh, everything’s fine — the guy in back on the stretcher just hit a progressive.
Paging Dr. Bob Dancer. Paging Dr. Bob Dancer. Please pick up the white courtesy phone. Your services are needed in the waiting room immediately! We need to know — should the patient hold Jacks and Tens on a 9/6 machine?
Update and Correction: At least two articles have appeared on the local press on this subject. The article in the Las Vegas Sun noted that the video poker machines will not be for cash play, but for amusement only.